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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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grobbelski
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/thread

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 5:39 pm

Thanks for the feedback.
Last edited by grobbelski on Tue Jun 22, 2010 6:20 pm, edited 6 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Critique This

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jun 21, 2010 5:56 pm

After a quick read my impression is that your personal statement is well written, predictable & a bit sappy. This personal statement might help your application primarily due to the quality & clarity of the writing as opposed to the content.

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ozarkhack
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Re: Critique This

Postby ozarkhack » Mon Jun 21, 2010 5:58 pm

Overall, I like. Not least b/c I'm a runner too and rely on the discipline it can teach you and got more serious about law school after training for marathon. And you've got the makings of a PS that explains you and your motivations and all that.

But I think it's too long. Or maybe that the narrative kind of is harder to follow? I don't know at first where you're going. Traffic? The hospital? Church? The intro is a little off. Like, the phone call from X's dad is certainly of zero value and sore-thumbs as an attempt to dramatize the situation.

Also, no need to mention the church or its brick pavers. If it meant something to the overall story, I couldn't tell.

Might as well get right to it: X nearly died in a mugging etc. It was terrifying. As a lifelong friend shaken by the near-death thing, I knew I wanted to help him recover and etc.. Crazy idea: Let's run 13.1. That good deed had other ramifications for me. Etc.

Or, maybe even better and more arresting would be something along the very general lines of: I'm a runner etc. And it all started after my lifelong friend nearly died in a mugging. ...

EDIT: To clarify that it's probably not length that is problem, but structure and too many unnecessary intrusions that bog the reader down.
Last edited by ozarkhack on Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Critique This

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:00 pm

Different readers form different impressions; I loved the beginning of your personal statement since it drew me right into your world.

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grobbelski
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Re: Critique This

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:11 pm

ozarkhack wrote:Overall, I like. Not least b/c I'm a runner too and rely on the discipline it can teach you and got more serious about law school after training for marathon. And you've got the makings of a PS that explains you and your motivations and all that.

But I think it's too long. Or maybe that the narrative kind of is harder to follow? I don't know at first where you're going. Traffic? The hospital? Church? The intro is a little off. Like, the phone call from X's dad is certainly of zero value and sore-thumbs as an attempt to dramatize the situation.


I guess the narrative is me explaining what happened, how I found out and how I dealt with that immediately afterwords. This has gone through multiple revisions and maybe that got lost somewhere along the way

Also, no need to mention the church or its brick pavers. If it meant something to the overall story, I couldn't tell.

Credited. I was trying to put the reader in my shoes but that's out.

[quote[Might as well get right to it: X nearly died in a mugging etc. It was terrifying. As a lifelong friend shaken by the near-death thing, I knew I wanted to help him recover and etc.. Crazy idea: Let's run 13.1. That good deed had other ramifications for me. Etc.

Or, maybe even better and more arresting would be something along the very general lines of: I'm a runner etc. And it all started after my lifelong friend nearly died in a mugging. ...

EDIT: To clarify that it's probably not length that is problem, but structure and too many unnecessary intrusions that bog the reader down.[/quote]

Don't know about this.

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grobbelski
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Re: Critique This

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:13 pm

.
Last edited by grobbelski on Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

modestsquirrel
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Re: Critique This

Postby modestsquirrel » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:17 pm

A bit long. You may need to shorten and make it more concise. You did a good job with the flow of the paper. However, you should probably dial back some of the sappiness. My biggest recommendation is to remove some of the clichés in the paper. It makes it sound contrived. For instance: “That’s why it struck me at my very core”, “In the face of adversity”, “greatest reward,” etc. If you removed those types of sayings/ phrases the paper would sound far more polished IMHO. Good job.

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grobbelski
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Re: Critique This

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:31 pm

.
Last edited by grobbelski on Wed Jul 14, 2010 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

modestsquirrel
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Re: Critique This

Postby modestsquirrel » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:47 pm

Yes, sounds good. I think I would remove mission and replace with endeavor or something else- I think it looks funny there, but it could work. Also, I would take a break from the paper for a day or two. It helps significantly and will give you a better ability to edit the paper, because you will be more emotionally detached from it. I thought I had written the Ulysses of Personal Statements, until I read it a week later. But, it did give me good perspective and I ended up with a much better second draft.

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grobbelski
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Re: Critique This

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:48 pm

.
Last edited by grobbelski on Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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grobbelski
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Re: Time to Play a Game

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:14 pm

.
Last edited by grobbelski on Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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grobbelski
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Re: Time to Play a Game

Postby grobbelski » Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:11 pm

.




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