Personal Statement First Try

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
salveamicus
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Personal Statement First Try

Postby salveamicus » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:14 am

edited
Last edited by salveamicus on Tue Jun 22, 2010 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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djjf39
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby djjf39 » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:24 am

OP, I don't mean to sound harsh, but...

I would go ahead and grab a copy of a book like The Law School Admission Game: Play Like An Expert. The book has an adequate section on what to avoid in your essay.

I think that most of your essay's content should be on a résumé, which you should be planning on submitting. If your goal is to tell a story, as your essay begins, then I would really consider abandoning the chronology of your achievement/experiences.

**Although to qualify my advice I am a 0L just going off book theory.

salveamicus
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby salveamicus » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:26 am

Thanks very much! Good thing I started early then. I'll take down the name of that book and keep looking here for more responses. Hopefully, with my next paycheck, I can buy it.

Thanks again!

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:27 am

I would re-work much of the opening paragraph, the metaphor and cliche' is just saturating it. The fact that you did it, is interesting, and you can certainly use it as a jumping off point but the way you have used it now is pretty tasteless.

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:28 am

OP forget the book. TLS has an excellent article on how to write a PS. Combine that with a few peer reviews off here and have an LOR prof look over it. Save the cash.

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:30 am

Paragraph #2:

AVOID YOUR FAULTS: Yo, dude. Saw your trascript thought you sucked pretty hard, went to read your ps to see if there was any sort of redemption--and you talked about how you sucked pretty hard.

NO EXCUSES: Talking about how you suffered through the death of a loved one or etc, etc, indirectly justifies poor academic performance. Straight up saying, "however it wasn't because I'm not intellectually curious" is you making an excuse. Again, poor taste.

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MrKappus
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby MrKappus » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:31 am

'Graph 1: You hiked the AT, or you hiked one ridge? All I could think was "He's too dumb to follow a trail?" Abandon the metaphor. It's super-trite.

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:32 am

The whole elementary school section was mindblowingly terrible.

1. You are talking about how awesome you are at 9, do anything worthwhile lately? Remember regardless of where you go with your PS, this is what I'm reading first and I have already judged you now. Just like a resume, start strong.

2. Damn you sound like a pretentious jerk. "Prestigious law school" "Oh they all watched cartoons, what plebians, I'm gonna go be better than them with my discovery channel."

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:33 am

" And I have remained in one job for four years through college"

sentence fragment.

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:34 am

Talking about video games in a PS is bad. Talking about how you recognize tallking about video games is bad, then talking about them anyway, is not only a waste of word-count, but a slap in the face to the adcomms who you have now notified that you are wasting their time.




P.S. Is this PS a joke? I think this is a flame.

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:36 am

"This is due to a variety of reasons, including my need to work at home during the summers and the lack of means of transportation to and from any internship from my residential community."

SEE NO EXCUSES comment above

And, yes english majors, I know there is no blanket prohibition for starting a sentence with also or but....but for you, I'm going to say go ahead and impose it.

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Cupidity
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby Cupidity » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:38 am

Way to not tie in your actual PS content with the theme you set-up. I saw no evidence of an overcoming difficulties ala peak-scaling motif suggested. cheap trick.

I hope you have enjoyed my comments. They are as valuable and sincere as they are rude and blunt. Send me an updated PS if you'd like future feedback. Or PM me if you need advice on how to actually write one.

xyzzzzzzzz
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby xyzzzzzzzz » Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:46 am

.
Last edited by xyzzzzzzzz on Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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philosoraptor
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby philosoraptor » Mon Jun 21, 2010 1:01 am

lol @ "salveamicus"

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MrKappus
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Re: Personal Statement First Try

Postby MrKappus » Mon Jun 21, 2010 1:14 am

Vocative FTW.




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