Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
stripedbanana10
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Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:38 pm

redacted. :)
Last edited by stripedbanana10 on Fri Jun 18, 2010 1:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Canarsie
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby Canarsie » Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:43 pm

stripedbanana10 wrote:Many women didn't know what homo- or bisexuality was, I explained to the misinformed women that it is not contagious nor contracted through spoiled turkey.


Rewrite this. Not sure if it's supposed to be funny or quirky or what, but it's just weird. You can explain some of them believed extraordinary misconceptions such as... spoiled turkey... and you helped educate and inform. But don't just throw that out there haha

stripedbanana10
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:11 pm

Ok, thanks. Anyone else? Anything else?

GossipGirl2002
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby GossipGirl2002 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:37 am

You need to work on sentence structure. This is just my opinion, but you use a lot of commas when you write. Try re-wording sentences to use less commas and make it easier to read.

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Canarsie
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby Canarsie » Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:50 am

Some tips:
Read it outloud to make sure it sounds good and to catch errors.
Don't start sentences with words like because.
I personally would omit contractions but the consensus seems to be up in the air about this. It should not break or make your PS with the adcomm at any rate.
Try to write more about how and why'd you make a good lawyer, succeed in law school, and bring something to their class. I can see you were leaders of various organizations-- maybe write a little more about them. Write about how rewarding you found teaching the community about sexuality and how they reacted. Do you plan on continuing this work and outreach? Why do you like X law school? Simply plugging in different names at the end is obvious and insincere. Try to tailor it a little to each school-- you don't need to write a new PS for each one, but write about their stunning LGBT resources or their world class X professor/program/etc. Make it clear you researched this school, it's the only school for you to achieve what you need to achieve, it's perfect, you want to go there, etc.

ALL suggestions. A lot of great info is on the TLS site in the PS articles, I'd check them out. Also I'd have an editor (maybe at your college) look this over. The ones at my school are AMAZING and completely underutilized. I was in a Humanities/Writing program in high school and pride myself on structure, etc. but I am not perfect and it was already a long time ago.
Seriously, the best suggestion: run it by your university's English department and have as many people read it as possible-- especially those who know what a PS is supposed to entail.

Good luck!

stripedbanana10
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Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 2:06 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:36 pm

Thanks Ashnicole.

Just so you know, it's a diversity statement, not a personal one, so I'll be writing about why i want that specific school and how my life relates to law, etc. in that one.

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Canarsie
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby Canarsie » Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:49 pm

stripedbanana10 wrote:Thanks Ashnicole.

Just so you know, it's a diversity statement, not a personal one, so I'll be writing about why i want that specific school and how my life relates to law, etc. in that one.


Whoops, that note got lost on me somehow. In that case, I don't think you need to really add anything about the school. I still think your sentence seems insincere and last minute. I will stand by my suggestion to talk about how you'd enhance diverse organizations on campus (LGBTQA, Jewish students, etc.)

stripedbanana10
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:52 pm

Good idea. Thanks.

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3|ink
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Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby 3|ink » Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:26 am

I think you could do more with your conflict. You were raised Jewish. At some point, you may have been convinced yourself that homosexuality was wrong. Build an argument for both sides and explain how you reconciled that using principles that both sides rest on. Say how this experience has taught you how to use your principles to resovle your moral conflict. That way, you're not only unique because of your sexual orientation, but your perspective.

I can see that you attempted to do this to some extent, but I personally think it should be your primary objective. Stay focused. Save the volunteer work for your PS. Keep this focused. It's supposed to be short, right?

My suggestion on structure:

1.) Brief summary of your religious upbrining. End the paragraph by declaring your sexuality.

'I grew up leaning on a pillar of faith.' (something less corny) 'That faith was shaken when I discovered I was gay.'

2.) Argument for the anti-gay Jewish community - Use more than quotes from scripture. Some people truly believe that homosexuality takes for granted the gifts that God has handed us.

3.) Argument for homosexuality - Is homosexuality necessarily incompatible with your faith?

4.) Reconcile the two arguments - 'Perhaps human morality is too complicated to capture in five chapters' (the pentatuk).

5.) Cute summary - 'I'm still committed to that pillar of faith whenever it permits. But when that support is shaken, I have no problem bearing my own weight until things work out.'
Last edited by 3|ink on Thu Jun 17, 2010 9:37 am, edited 2 times in total.

stripedbanana10
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Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 2:06 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Thu Jun 17, 2010 3:53 am

.
Last edited by stripedbanana10 on Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

stripedbanana10
Posts: 33
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 2:06 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Thu Jun 17, 2010 3:53 am

PPS: homosexuality IS incompatible w the orthodox faith, yes. don't believe anyone who tells u different.

stripedbanana10
Posts: 33
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 2:06 pm

Re: Diversity Statement. Feel free to comment.

Postby stripedbanana10 » Thu Jun 17, 2010 1:51 pm

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