PS or diversity statement...hmmm

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
NaijaLaw
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 6:01 am

PS or diversity statement...hmmm

Postby NaijaLaw » Mon Jun 14, 2010 12:37 pm

I'd like a clean eye to look over a PS i'm drafting, let me know if it's worth moving forward with or just trash...lol PM me ;)

NaijaLaw
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 6:01 am

Re: PS or diversity statement..hmm: REVISED, Take a look & Help!

Postby NaijaLaw » Thu Jul 08, 2010 11:23 pm

Growing up as the youngest in the household, it was easy for my opinions to be eclipsed by older family members during discussions, so I learned how to do two things very quickly: plan and prepare. I was raised in a family that encouraged my elders to speak ahead of me, and instead of whining about what I secretly considered ageism, I used the moments awaiting my turn to listen and choose my words wisely to form a sharp response. Fortunately, being prepared to declaratively voice my opinions became a tactic that worked in my favor when my siblings and I were vying for a trip to our paternal home in Nigeria.


After reveling in the success of having my voice heard and achieving the chance to travel abroad, I realized this celebration was to be short-lived. Travelling to a country that I had not visited since I was a toddler would really put my planning and preparing skills to the test, so I made a list. I wrote down topics to discuss and ways in which I would make the trip most enjoyable, but ultimately the joke was on me. My cousins welcomed me and spoke openly about personal and social issues that encouraged me to do the same. The more I learn that we shared similar experiences regarding racism, gender-specific ideologies, and peer pressure, the less I found the need for my list. Listening to how they addressed issues from a more communal point of view instead of taking an individualistic approach motivated me to return to the United States with a bigger plan in tow.


I wanted to see the effect an open dialogue would have on the campus community if given the opportunity to discuss our different cultures, so I decided to host a forum at my university. Surprisingly, many of the students relayed similar issues and concerns faced within their Jewish, Indian, and Hispanic communities and we were able to draw from one another a connection that was more than just attending the same university. I would like to broaden this forum to a national level through public televised programming, and be prepared to address that conversation with the professional prowess of a legal education.


Much like the kid sister who just wanted my voice to be heard above the older siblings, I must further develop my oratory and research skills in order to create programming that addresses issues in a manner that benefits a broader audience. By being in an environment that places significant emphasis on scholarship and public speaking, I can position myself in a more proactive role to affect change. I wish to lay the ground work for achieving my goals, and as an attorney I have the advantage of knowing the legal ramifications of contracts and other limitations that may affect the way in which I produce programming.


Perhaps I could attain my goals by pursuing a Masters in Social Work or working several years in the production/media industry, but I wish to maximize the time in which I will sustain an impact on the community, specifically in the YOUR SCHOOL'S area. From A TO B, the opportunity to broadcast vital information to such a diverse community is a challenge I find enticing. Attending YOUR LAW SCHOOL will grant me access to living in the community and interacting with citizens through clinics and other advocacy programs so that I can gain an understanding of how to best relay pertinent information.


When different cultures exist within the same community it is important to find mediums in which all can relate. Since television is one of the primary mediums in which individuals gather information about one another, programs featuring issues that directly affect the general population is crucial to the public programming being a success. A legal education as the foundation in which I plan to prepare for such an endeavor allows me to bridge the gap for people from different cultural backgrounds while building social advocacy through media.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS or diversity statement...hmmm

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Jul 09, 2010 5:49 am

I think you mean "effect change" (to bring about change), not "affect change" (to alter change which has occurred already).
This is a good first draft, although it leaves the reader curious as to why you think that law school is the best option to further your goals as even your own statements suggest confusion as to whether a Master's in Social Work or other endeavors would better facilitate accomplishing your goals. Perhaps you might want to focus on the necessity of working within the the legal system in a society controlled by the rule of law in order to help others.

Scott4LLM
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:51 pm

Re: PS or diversity statement...hmmm

Postby Scott4LLM » Sat Jul 10, 2010 3:08 pm

pretty interesting story, especially the beginning. I did have to stop and think are "plan" and "prepare" 2 different things; upon reflection, I did see a nuance of distinction, but these are generally though to be synonyms, so either I would say that you learned one thing, or else make one of the words more different from the other.

You were vying for a trip? because some of your siblings would go while others weren't? sounds odd and requires further explanation. It also sounds a bit odd that you made a list of conversational topics (maybe if you were conducting a chat show!). "the joke was on me" usually requires that you had attempted to joke someone else but the reverse occured. Here, the list was merely unnecessary.

NaijaLaw
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Jun 01, 2010 6:01 am

Re: PS or diversity statement...hmmm

Postby NaijaLaw » Mon Jul 12, 2010 10:33 pm

thanks so much for the tips!!

@ Scott4LLM: I really want to use plan/prepare the way you described, so I'm glad you were able to get it. I may re-write that portion just to clarify. Also, I'm considering changing the conversation to the law-related work I did in Nigeria...after re-reading it, the list part is up in the air...hmmm

@Canadianwolf: Thanks! I was thinking about that phrase too, and yet I still haven't decided how exactly I intend on wording affect/effect, because I may change the draft entirely...

Did any of you notice places where I could possibly trim the fat? I want to make it as concise as possible, but I can't see many places to cut without changing the entire statement...




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