Draft PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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goodmank
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 10:59 pm

Draft PS

Postby goodmank » Wed May 05, 2010 11:21 pm

Although I have been a regular reader of the forum for some time now, this is my first post. Any criticism would be appreciated. Thanks.

I sat in the court house waiting room reviewing the case that I would soon be presenting to the Judge. As I think back to what brought me to this waiting room, I am certain that one day I will be a skillful and successful attorney.

I began my current career as a residential refuse truck driver. Although there is nothing shameful about being a “garbage” man, I knew that I wanted something more out of life. With a little hard work and determination I began to consistently outperform my coworkers and was promoted into a first level supervisory position. My new responsibilities included supervising about 30 employees and ensuring that over 25,000 city residents received refuse collection. It was during this time that I taught myself basic computer skills and was able to redesign collection routes to ensure that the residents of the city received their solid waste collection in an efficient and timely manner. I next enrolled at the University of North Texas and began work on my bachelor degree in business and was able to gain enough knowledge, education, and experience to promote into middle management. With my new promotion came a large enough salary that I decided to purchase a new home. During the home buying process I reviewed copies of my credit reports and discovered some accounts that were damaging to my credit score. I immediately contacted the credit bureaus and disputed the accounts as inaccurate. The credit bureaus performed an “investigation” into the accounts and “verified” that they were being reported accurately. Frustrated, I researched Federal and State consumer protection laws and discovered that I could request debt validation from the collection agencies that placed the negative accounts on my credit report. Nonetheless, the collection agencies refused to respond to my multiple requests for debt validation and I was forced to seek the assistance of an attorney. I quickly learned that hiring an attorney would be cost prohibitive for me and that the only logical choice was to represent myself in court.

After studying the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure and the Texas Finance code, I filed suit against one of the collection agencies. Interestingly enough, although the collection agency ignored my previous requests for debt validation, they did not ignore the notice of suit that I sent to them and I quickly found myself up against an experienced attorney. The attorney filed a counterclaim to my lawsuit and the battle began. I filed interrogatories, requests for production, requests for admission, and requests for disclosure to aid in establishing my case. It was during this time that I realized that I really enjoyed the legal process and that I wanted to become an attorney.

The long hours of research eventually paid off and after what seemed like an eternity sitting in that waiting room, the Bailiff called “My Name vs. Collection Agency”. I took my place at the Plaintiff’s table and began to present my case to the Judge. While presenting my case I discovered that Judges are not familiar with all laws. Fortunately, I was well prepared and able to provide the Judge with the appropriate laws that govern collection agencies. My attention to detail, being well prepared long before entering the court room, and my ability to verbally present my case, enabled me to be victorious in the end.

This experience led me to the realization that I have a passion for law and that I would like to one day become an attorney. I have researched the law schools in my area and have determined that (Enter law School Here) offers everything that I will need to become a skillful and successful attorney. I am interested in cases that involve people who have been falsely accused of a crime and I can further pursue that interest through the (Enter Schools Program Here). In addition, by being located close to my home and offering an evening program, (Enter School Here) will enable me to obtain a law degree while I attend to both my family and work responsibilities. I believe that my personal experience in successfully representing myself in court, raising a family, and having nearly 15 years of experience in management will aid in diversifying my class.

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rmansoor
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 3:38 am

Re: Draft PS

Postby rmansoor » Thu May 06, 2010 2:13 am

Although I am no expert by any means on PS, here are my thoughts:
(please, don't take offence! I swear, I'm really trying to help!)

- BORING. The topic isn't anything interesting... if I was the guy in the admissions room, I would read the first tiny paragraph, the last paragraph and shake my head and put it in the 'reject' pile.

- For some reason, though I didn't read all of it (I know, how can you critique when you haven't read the whole thing?), the parts I did read read a little awkwardly. Maybe it's just me. I'm up late and I doubt this post will even make sense or have good grammar.

- I didn't get to know you as a person - your thoughts, feelings, etc. etc. It's a PERSONAL statement about you, right?

[Goes back and reads the entire PS]

- Definitely trash the first paragraph. Total turn off. WAY better if you just jump straight into your career story, that'd be good.

- Get rid of all that law crap. It should be your journey as a person, not your journey as a wanna be lawyer. I feel like the whole garbage man thing, which I find interesting, plays a back seat to all the wanna be law stuff you did.



I could be spewing crap, but these are my thoughts! I hope I was remotely helpful & sorry if I caused any offence =)

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goodmank
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed May 05, 2010 10:59 pm

Re: Draft PS

Postby goodmank » Thu May 06, 2010 3:22 am

Thanks. No offense taken. This is the honost feedback that I am looking for. Actually, I have begun to work on another PS that focuses on the garbage man job. I will post it as I get the rough draft completed.




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