scholarship essay

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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daesonesb
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scholarship essay

Postby daesonesb » Thu Apr 01, 2010 7:46 pm

essay further down page
Last edited by daesonesb on Tue Apr 06, 2010 9:40 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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daesonesb
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby daesonesb » Thu Apr 01, 2010 10:57 pm

bump!
someone talk to me about this one.

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soullesswonder
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby soullesswonder » Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:22 pm

my initial impression: this paper has too much of a "grand tour" component to it. I would focus on Grand Pre OR Pikeville OR Bellingham and not try to cover all three. It's not that this piece is necessarily bad, but it feels a bit like a checklist of places and experiences.

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daesonesb
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby daesonesb » Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:27 pm

nope
Last edited by daesonesb on Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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daesonesb
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby daesonesb » Tue Apr 06, 2010 9:39 pm

OK final bump. I edited more. If anyone reads this in the next hour, gimme some feedback (even if you just read it like "oh what's this then?")
After that, I send er in.

OmbreGracieuse
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby OmbreGracieuse » Tue Apr 06, 2010 10:45 pm

daesonesb wrote:OK final bump. I edited more. If anyone reads this in the next hour, gimme some feedback (even if you just read it like "oh what's this then?")
After that, I send er in.


I liked it. I plan to use some of your techniques (tying things like chopping firewood into other qualities for instance) in my own personal statement (er... just not about firewood). I think it is a strong PS, and I wish you the absolute very best of luck. I am no admissions person, but I think it is great. :)

Geist13
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby Geist13 » Tue Apr 06, 2010 10:54 pm

The one paragraph about what you learned from your father and grandparents is quite good. I'd just expand that into the whole essay. The intro paragraph seems superfluous (but then again, I hate what is generally considered the purpose of an introductory paragraph). And after that second awesome paragraph, nothing compelling really comes across.

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daesonesb
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby daesonesb » Tue Apr 06, 2010 11:32 pm

Geist13 wrote:The one paragraph about what you learned from your father and grandparents is quite good. I'd just expand that into the whole essay. The intro paragraph seems superfluous (but then again, I hate what is generally considered the purpose of an introductory paragraph). And after that second awesome paragraph, nothing compelling really comes across.


Thanks for the compliment, I suppose? :P

I'd would have expanded that to my whole essay, but I feared that it would be at the cost of not talking about extracurriculars and volunteer stuff. While that stuff isn't as compelling imagery-wise, I figured the scholarship committee would like to hear it. Maybe that was a mistake, but I already submitted, so oh well.

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jcl2
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Re: scholarship essay

Postby jcl2 » Wed Apr 07, 2010 5:22 pm

daesonesb wrote:
Geist13 wrote:The one paragraph about what you learned from your father and grandparents is quite good. I'd just expand that into the whole essay. The intro paragraph seems superfluous (but then again, I hate what is generally considered the purpose of an introductory paragraph). And after that second awesome paragraph, nothing compelling really comes across.


Thanks for the compliment, I suppose? :P

I'd would have expanded that to my whole essay, but I feared that it would be at the cost of not talking about extracurriculars and volunteer stuff. While that stuff isn't as compelling imagery-wise, I figured the scholarship committee would like to hear it. Maybe that was a mistake, but I already submitted, so oh well.


That was pretty good, I think you addressed what it seemed like they were looking for in the financial need statement pretty well. I won't give you any advice since you already submitted.

BTW, when did you live in Bham? I went to high school there too, moved there when I was 14 in 1998.




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