PS First Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: PS First Draft

Postby JustDude » Sat Apr 03, 2010 1:17 am

Let me know when you're done embarrassing yourself:)




If I were you I would avoid using the word "embarrassing"

Btw I'd learn how to spell so I don't sound like a bumbling buffoon yelling at someone incoherently, through text.


If you would, the you probably should.


BTW, the fact that this hygene product picture comes from strippersonline kinda confirms my fears regarding your conviction.


Anyway, Good Luck dear douche

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TTTennis
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2009 1:12 pm

Re: PS First Draft

Postby TTTennis » Sat Apr 03, 2010 5:36 am

haha, the sad part is that as big of a dick as JustDude was, you deserved every single part of it. Way to make fun of public defenders..that's sure to win you some brownie points. Why did my UG take 7 years to complete? Well, because I was so vigorously studying the law, of course. Wait adcomm, so you're telling me that I could've graduated law school and known absolutely everything I spent so much time studying in the same amount of time it took me to get my UG degree? Get the fuck outta here!

Scrap it. All of it. The whole idea. It sucks.

Sorry, I'm not usually a dick, but you came off as the biggest douche ever. I've never disliked someone so much after reading their PS. And, no, spending 30 minutes on something is not an excuse for writing the douchiest PS ever. If I submitted my PS to tls after 30 minutes of writing, it would have undoubtedly sucked, but people wouldn't have wanted to punch me in the balls for it.

Good luck.

Dave
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:31 pm

Re: PS First Draft

Postby Dave » Sat Apr 03, 2010 7:51 am

JustDude wrote:
Let me know when you're done embarrassing yourself:)




If I were you I would avoid using the word "embarrassing"

Btw I'd learn how to spell so I don't sound like a bumbling buffoon yelling at someone incoherently, through text.


If you would, the you probably should.


BTW, the fact that this hygene product picture comes from strippersonline kinda confirms my fears regarding your conviction.


Anyway, Good Luck dear douche


Gotta love the "I know you are but what am I" logic:) Listen son, please take your medication before you decide to post and make a fool out of yourself.

As for Tennis, yes I realize it was a stupid PS, I just needed confirmation. And I'm sorry for making Public Defenders look retarded but the sad thing is, they are. That's why they're public defenders.

OmbreGracieuse
Posts: 254
Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:39 pm

Re: PS First Draft

Postby OmbreGracieuse » Wed Apr 07, 2010 7:01 pm

There is nothing strange or unusual about my life, circumstances, or socioeconomic status, that would excuse my behavior in committing a crime. Then why commit one? I came to America in 1990 with my parents from where?, and two weeks later my dad had a job. Both of my parents are well educated engineers and every year each year? we moved up the ladder. I had everything I could ever want in my life; friends, family, material goods, etc. [strike]In terms of my psychological condition, the only thing I had growing up was a mild case of A.D.D which increased in severity every year. By the time I was in high school, I became antisocial and mildly bipolar.[/strike] As a result, I spent more and more time on the computer and the life I was living on the internet became my real life. When I began doing questionable things with a computer, I was well aware that they were wrong, yet this did not dissuade me from continuing various activities because I thought I wouldn’t get caught. Never say you did it because you didn’t think you’d get caught; it suggests you’d do something else if you didn’t think you’d get caught. Perhaps you could suggest that you did it, but weren’t in a frame of mind to comprehend the consequences it would have on you and the lives of those around you. That belief was eventually proven wrong in the form of an indictment, and court proceedings for 6 months. Here I would suggest saying something like “I never would have guessed when I began my XXX (act) that I would eventually have to spend six months in a courtroom defending my own behaviors. I held back nothing as I told the prosecution everything I had done, and I took responsibility for those acts. In seeing the error of my ways, I turned to the truth in hopes that this would bring some form of closure to the lives of those around me. Because of my continued honesty and potential, they decided to spare me and give me a lenient sentence. I would just say “I was given a lenient sentence” you can’t know exactly why they gave it to you. This really my family up and the worst day of my life was the day I would begin serving my sentence. Never say this- I am assuming there is an implied f-bomb here which is inappropriate. You could simply say that the six months of trial led to the worst day of your life, to date. My dad stayed home and drove me to the jail. As we said our goodbyes, I couldn’t think of a worse feeling. I remember the last thing my dad told me before I walked inside of the building, “learn everything you can about the system because you’re in a privileged position.” I decided to take his advice and use this as a positive learning experience. I don’t know if I would add diologue here, just say your father suggested you use this as a positive learning experience.

I would suggest rephrasing this entire paragraph. I would suggest starting with “I could have everything I could want in life: friends, family, material goods….” And lead that into the idea that even then something felt lacking so you increasingly turned to your computer for the answers.



From the very first full day I was in the system, I could sense something wrong. It was all around me, yet I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was like coming home to an awkward smell; you know it’s there but you can’t describe it. I would say here just that you could sense something wrong but couldn’t pinpoint where the idea was. You could even go as far as to say you were disillusioned. It was when I went to court some 25 days later for a review of my community service supervision, that I noticed it. I have always loved this country and as a result, I know I was naïve and ignorant about things I wasn’t involved in. Now I was in a position to look at the reality of one of those things. Rather than talk about what you could sense without naming it (which is as awkward as talking about the giant elephant in the room without using the word elephant), I would say exactly what you mean here- point out what you had eluded to as being wrong in your previous sentences. As I was sitting on the cold floor and listening to defendants talking to their lawyers behind the glass door, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I think you mean ears here; you were listening to them. I could immediately tell who the high priced lawyers were, and who the public defenders were, not by charisma or style, but by attitude. Things that I considered myths turned out to be more true than I could imagine. I would talk about what t hose myths are, rather than just saying you had them. For those that say you can’t buy a verdict, imagine being the guy on the other side of that window as a spectator. I was flabbergasted with the temerity and carelessness of the public defenders’ handling of the defendants’ cases, just so they could move the process along and earn their wages for that particular case, only to demonstrate the same ineptitude in the next case. NEVER point out the mistakes a lawyer makes. You do not have a degree to know they are doing anything wrong. Rather than surmise that they simply want to float to the next person or are doing it solely for a steady paycheck, think again. Many defense lawyers do it for love of the job (to some extent). I would say here something more positive that you were flabbergasted by the carelessness of the defense attorneys. End case. Then I watched the defendants with the paid lawyers and the beauty of their tactics and overall attitude. I could tell how much smarter they were than the prosecutors in that court room, and that their clients would be going home soon on some technicality. Then and there, it became as clear as day, yet I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Our Judicial System was broken. And at that precise moment, I had the urge to be part of it, to help try and fix it to the best of my abilities. Say something more positive “It became apparent to me that our system is on the verge of breaking. It shaped the idea within me that rather than just being a bystander, I could be an integral part of the solution.” I also knew that if I was to have a chance at being part of this process, I would have to straighten my life out and be nearly perfect from this point on. I don’t know if I would say this sentence at all.

From that momentous day to the minute I was released, I watched all of my surroundings. I watched the treatment of the inmates, and saw many injustices, while the actions were justified in other situations. I watched the treatment of inmates… and perceived many double standards. What is allowed in one situation is not always the same for another. I watched the guards tease inmates without justification. I made a vow that when I became a lawyer, I would be fully aware of what goes on behind those walls, and I would have the power to either make changes, or be involved with someone that can . Current tense- I made a vow that when I BECOME a lawyer… When I got out of jail, I made it it what? Education? my biggest priority to go to court as much as I could. I received the trial schedule from my felony court, and attended as many trials as I could. I took notes during the trials. I studied case law and historical constitutional law religiously. I somehow knew this was something that I not only wanted to do, but I was born to do. I taught myself the art of debate and logic, as those things eluded me throughout my entire life. The only negative aspect of my obsession came in the form of postponing my undergraduate studies to further my knowledge of the law. Logically, I knew I would have to complete undergraduate college to be able to attend law school. However, I was unable to attempt both, and so my undergraduate career became an extended undergraduate career.
I wouldn’t say this here. I would suggest writing about taking a year off to assess the direction of your life and use it as a plug to your confidence in knowing you want to go into law.

My life completely changed on that special day where I had my epiphany. I bettered myself in many aspects and I became a different person. My self awareness increased as well as my intelligence. I’ve spent years dedicated to personal and character development so that one day I could stand in front of a judge, and defend my client with all the zeal and vigor a defense attorney should possess.
Never use the word epiphany. It is overused and adcomms don’t enjoy reading it. Rather than just list how you’ve changed (your self awareness increased, ect, ect) you should list what you did with that (were you part of clubs, tutor groups?). It is hard to imagine there is not a part of your life that this did not effect; I would elaborate a little on the positive things this experience has done for you.

I hope this helps!

OmbreGracieuse
Posts: 254
Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:39 pm

Re: PS First Draft

Postby OmbreGracieuse » Wed Apr 07, 2010 7:03 pm

I apologize, when I get so low on my typing bar here on TLS, it does this weird funky thing and won't let me edit. I wrote everything out in Microsoft word though, so if you need I can try to PM it to you bolded where I had things to say and crossed out where I think ideas are not needed. I wish you the best of luck; if this is truly what you want to write about I feel you can do it. I think you need to polish it a lot, but think it can be done. Once again, good luck!

KG_CalGuy
Posts: 142
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2010 2:18 am

Re: PS First Draft

Postby KG_CalGuy » Wed Apr 07, 2010 7:04 pm

It's a PS...don't make it out to more than it needs to be

Dave
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:31 pm

Re: PS First Draft

Postby Dave » Wed Apr 07, 2010 9:01 pm

OmbreGracieuse wrote:I apologize, when I get so low on my typing bar here on TLS, it does this weird funky thing and won't let me edit. I wrote everything out in Microsoft word though, so if you need I can try to PM it to you bolded where I had things to say and crossed out where I think ideas are not needed. I wish you the best of luck; if this is truly what you want to write about I feel you can do it. I think you need to polish it a lot, but think it can be done. Once again, good luck!


Thanks man I really appreciate it.




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