Important, Badly NEED FEEDBACK and Critiuque of PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
abillah
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 7:18 pm

Important, Badly NEED FEEDBACK and Critiuque of PS

Postby abillah » Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:28 pm

Law School Application Essay


I think this essay badly needs work, Its just a first draft, I think its too long, and may get boring, I need to figure out what are the
parts that I want to keep and put in a better "reading" order


I have a 2.4 undergrad GPA and 148 LSAT
just applying to four law schools in Southern California
LA Verne, Whittier, Western State , Thomas Jefferson and a Glendale College of Law- California Bar Accredited School
I think I have a shot at a few of these schools, but I probably will need to improve my personal statement for a good shot to these schools.


thanks please help
Ayman



It has been seven years since graduating from Bucknell University and after years of working in the education profession, I have decided that I want to study the law and become a lawyer, but I do not want to study law, just to be a lawyer, in that I want to continue making differences in people’s lives. I have been in the education field, mainly teaching high school students’ biology, and the passion for learning and critical thinking in the sciences. While working as a high school teacher, I have asked myself many times, what do I like about teaching, after realizing that my passion is about making a difference in people’s lives but my personality just did not seem to fit the ideals of the high school classroom, and because of this I have made this important decision in the junction of my life, and make that step I have been so interested in since, my undergraduate years and start law school this upcoming Fall of 2010.

One of my mentors as an educator has been one of my principals in my first year of teaching, Mr. Vazquez, and he had told me, “You have a great knowledge for teaching subject matter, but told me you should think about looking into the field of Law,” since he had known my undergraduate degree was in political science. I listened to his advice, but I had decided from the theory that teachers take 3 years to develop and succeed. My decision was to try teaching for another two years full time, but last year after finishing the year at Chino High School, I realized that I just did not have that passion for teaching. So now I am 30 years old, seven years since my undergraduate years, and realize now that this is the best time for me to start law school, as I have matured and realized that I enjoy working with young people, administration, and parents from all walks of life and decided that I should follow my own advice and look into a new field, which is something I already have a passion for which was law. I had majored in Political Science back at Bucknell University, but at that time I felt academically ill prepared to start law school. Now after years of experience working in education, life insurance, graduate studies, I have realized that my true passion has lied in law all along these past years.

I love reading about law, history, and philosophy, but I find myself passionate in discussing, debating, and talking about issues of law and history even more. This passion of discussion and debating about politics, history and social sciences has been an interest of mine since my high school days of studying history. I do need to address my layover from higher education, lackluster undergraduate performance, and taking science courses during my undergraduate years with poor grades may not seem like ideal qualities for an aspiring law student. But my transcript does not tell the whole story. As a student, I did have some academic difficulties, and had discovered I was dealing with ADD, (Attention Deficit Disorder) this was a tough obstacle for me to get over, as I was taking some difficult chemistry classes, and realized that my mind could not tackle the difficulties of inorganic chemistry. But as I got older, and had become more mature and a few years after college, I realized my problems and symptoms I had with Attention Deficit Disorder had just slowly disappeared as I learned how to get myself more organized.
I have always found that I have always had that passion and motivation for learning about law and had been also drawn to making a difference in education when I was teaching high school. I have found that teaching and law has shown common aspects that I have a strong motivation for, and that is dealing with the interactions of human beings and the understanding of humans in all their passion and complexity. Each of the classrooms I taught in, had 30 or so different personalities, different home-lives, different talents, and my job as their teacher was to bring about their own passions and talents to the classroom. I have found that through teaching I was able to relate to different situations that were both familiar and unfamiliar to me, and relating those situations and ultimately presenting those concepts to others, this is something I will definitely have to face in law school and this is something I have been very passionate about when I was teaching and feel I can carry this passion to the world of law.

After jumping into the world of education and all the different intricacies that unfold onto the high school setting. I have discovered that teaching has deeply affected and influenced me but has – ironically- made me surer than ever that law is where my skills, interests and values lie within. On the surface of the classroom setting, I dealt with dealing with parents, interacting with fellow teachers, students, creating daily lesson plans, developing classroom management policies, and doing labs with students, but suddenly new questions arose within me. Where should my interests lie more within, dealing with how to improve student test scores, Whether keeping my top students intellectually challenged or helping the English Language learners become more fluent in the academic language of science?, and whether my own philosophy of education matches that of my principal? While working at an urban setting in South Los Angeles, at Heritage Charter High School, that year of teaching was the most eye opening experience as a teacher I have ever had, and realized how to deal with different disputes and develop a strong discipline plan for students to follow, and how to bring students of different cultures to work together and succeed in my classroom. That year in South Los Angeles, I had found a deep respect for dealing with inner city school children, I had realized that they not only needed a good role model, but also someone who truly cared about their well being and success in school. After that school year completed, I found that the different personalities of the students in my classrooms, their parents, and the administration, all had different personalities, morality, and values but everyone at that school had common goals.

Law is the common language that unites us all. It is these rules of human behavior, the rules that been codified into laws for generations; that helps us to live together and work for the common goal even though as humans we have overwhelming differences. Not only do I find the concepts of law to be exciting, but I also saw in my own life, the need for social change on a broad scale. After working with many immigrant families as an educator, I have found that many Americans have limited understanding of the complexities of the protections that are afforded to them by our set of laws. My own personal goals in being an attorney are to help those that need an advocate on their own side, especially to help those that have confronted difficulties and require legal expertise.

Most of us spend the majority o four lives seeking meaning and hoping to affect others’ lives in a way that matters. In my experience, I have engaged with people and their stories as an educator, with parents, young people and teachers. I feel that Law School is my natural next step to continue to making differences to people and their lives. I appreciate this quote said by Ellen Goodman "I have never been especially impressed by the heroics of people convinced they are about to change the world. I am more awed by those who struggle to make one small difference." I think Lawyers and Educators do this every day, making a small difference, whether it is one lawyer helping a client go through a rough situation, or one teacher helping that student through a rough time in their difficult home lives. Making that small difference counts, and this is the ideal that I want to continue as I start the legal profession.

In conclusion in my search for an institution where I can continue to engage my passion for the love for learning and my interest in law, (this university) stood out. I feel “Your University” will allow me to maximize my abilities. I have a unique combination of talents that can be an asset to “this university” as well as the legal profession. I have demonstrated an ability to teach myself, assimilate information quickly and balance my time among several competing interests to get the most out of opportunities. The composite GPA and LSAT score on my folder may not be the typical stats of “your university”, but I believe that I have what it takes to succeed.
Last edited by abillah on Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ConMan345
Posts: 577
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:08 pm

Re: Important, Badly NEED FEEDBACK and Critiuque of PS

Postby ConMan345 » Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:29 pm

First feedback: edit out your real name.

lcw
Posts: 22
Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 7:15 pm

Re: Important, Badly NEED FEEDBACK and Critiuque of PS

Postby lcw » Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:48 pm

It has been seven years since graduating from Bucknell University and after years of working in the education profession, I have decided that I want to study the law and become a lawyer, but I do not want to study law,(omit comma) just to be a lawyer[strike], in that I want to continue making differences in people’s lives[/strike]. I have been in the education field, mainly teaching high school students’ biology, and the passion for learning and critical thinking in the sciences. I have asked myself many times while working as a high school teacher, what do I like about teaching, (Period, new sentence) After realizing that my passion is about making a difference in people’s lives but my personality just did not seem to fit the ideals of the high school classroom, [strike]and because of this[/strike]I have decided to [strike]made this important decision in the junction of my life, and make that step I have been so interested in since, my undergraduate years and start[/strike] pursue law school this upcoming Fall[strike]of 2010[/strike].

One of my mentors [strike]as an educator[/strike]has been my first principal [strike]one of my principal in my first year of teaching[/strike], Mr. Vazquez, (Period, new sentence) [strike]and[/strike] He had told me, “You have a great knowledge for teaching subject matter, but told me you (this is confusing, did he say "told me you"?) should think about looking into the field of Law,” since he had known my undergraduate degree was in political science. I listened to his advice at the time, but was not ready for a career change so early into my career. [strike]decided from the theory that teachers take 3 years to develop and succeed. My decision was to try teaching for another two years full time, but last year after finishing the year at Chino High School, I realized that I just did not have that passion for teaching. So[/strike] Now I am 30 years old, seven years since my undergraduate years[strike], and[/strike] I realize now that this is the best time for me to start law school, as I have matured (to a point where I can...) [strike]and realized that I enjoy working with young people, administration, and parents from all walks of life and decided that I should follow my own advice and look into a new field, which is something I already have a passion for which was law. I had majored in Political Science back at Bucknell University, but at that time I felt academically ill prepared to start law school. Now after years of experience working in education, life insurance, graduate studies, I have realized that my true passion has lied in law all along these past years.[/strike]

***
My apologies for not commenting in detail on the rest of your PS, but I think you get the basic idea of what edits need to be made in the rest of your text. Here are a few observations in general:

- You write in the present perfect tense throughout this PS. Ex. "I have decided," "I have discovered," "He had told me." You could tighten up the statement by changing your tense into the more active tenses. Ex. "I decided," "I discovered," "He told me."

- There are a lot of instances where you redundantly repeat yourself. Ex "this upcoming fall of 2010." There is only one fall that is upcoming this year. Here is another example. "I have always found that I have always had that passion..." Instead, just say "I am passionate about..." You say the same thing in a more active voice in far fewer words.

- Many of your sentences tend to become run-on sentences. The period is your friend. Make sure you limit each sentence to one main point. When editing, go through and do two things. First, read the sentence out loud and ask yourself if the comma is even necessary in the first place. Second, if it is necessary, ask yourself if the PS would benefit from that sentence being split into two sentences.

- You sound like you're trying to tell a number of stories here including your experience in teaching, your reason for a lower GPA, your interest in law as a field of study, and your desire to assist in immigration and advocacy issues. These stories get muddled a bit and sometimes its difficult to discern the point/purpose of a paragraph. Try to really emphasize one story. Focus on your goal of becoming an advocate, show how being a teacher reinforced this goal, and demonstrate how the law would help you accomplish that goal in a practical manner.

Good luck.




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