Urgent, I need your help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
babyflower
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:57 pm

Urgent, I need your help!

Postby babyflower » Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:05 pm

Hello guys/gals. I'm brand new to this site. I'm having trouble with my personal statement... could anyone help out a fellow prospective law student and give me some guidance? (this is a first draft, and not completed yet). TIA.

As I packed my belonging to attend college, my grandmother Mami gave me a kiss and wished me the best. I was excited to leave home, and experience a life on my own. At the same time, I was fortunate to know exactly what I wanted do with my life; to become an attorney. As a young child the law impacted my life in numerous ways. Unfortunately, my parents went through a divorce, my mother lost her house, and my grandmother Mami struggled to gain her American citizenship. These tumultuous incidents, though difficult, inspired me to pursue a career in the field of law.

When I was six years old I saw my grandmother doing something I had never seen her do before; she was crying. I wondered why the person who meant the world to me was so sad. This was my second mother, and she was the woman who raised me while my mother worked late into the evenings. Nonetheless, I asked my grandmother what was wrong. My mother shushed me, but then reluctantly whispered to me, “Mami’s citizenship was denied”. My mom explained the consequences of Mami’s failed test as best she could to a six year old. I lost a little bit of my childhood innocence that day. If Mami went back to Costa Rica my entire world would have been in disarray.

Fortunately, through hard work and perseverance Mami was able to overcome her language barrier, and pass her citizenship test. When I grew a bit older I was able to conceptualize what Mami accomplished, and I was inspired by Mami’s tenacity. Consequently, I began to develop an appreciation for the roles that government, justice, and the law had in affecting the societal mores in the United States. I became fascinated in the legislative process. I wanted to know the reasoning behind the immigration laws in the United States, and how the laws affected certain societal demographics more so than others. These newfound interests of mine led me to pursue my undergraduate studies in Political Science.

As I completed my undergraduate courses I learned about many different laws, the legislative processes, and how such attributes of the American system affect the citizens in this country. When I learned about America’s public policy, and the legislative process, I began to think retrospectively about my life; for example, my parents’ divorce, and my mother and I losing the house in which we lived. I thought about how the law entered my family’s lives, and how it could act as a blessing, and a curse. I learned that life is not always easy, and typically lawyers meet people when they are experiencing some of the worst times of their lives. I have confidence that my past experiences have afforded me empathy and compassion for others. As an attorney, I will have a unique perspective in the court room when assisting non-native Americans, because I understand how difficult it is to survive when one is out of their element.

My passion in life resides in international, and immigration law. The political parties of the United States appear divided on immigration policies. I would like nothing more than to the ensure immigrants who possess the American dream be afforded an ample opportunity to achieve their goal of citizenship. As a fluent Spanish speaking attorney, I know that I could make an important impact in the lives of the many disadvantaged Latin/Hispanic persons whom struggle to find their niche in America. As I reflect back on my own family’s struggle with obtaining citizenship I cannot help but to hold the utopian ideal that I could help countless families with similar plights as mine.

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PlugInBaby
Posts: 387
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:40 am

Re: Urgent, I need your help!

Postby PlugInBaby » Thu Mar 18, 2010 4:24 am

You have writing skill, but the whole things seems out of order. I copypasted it into an order I feel would be more effective, omitting things that seem redundant or irrelevant and suggest to add things where the explanations seems lacking.

When I was six years old I saw my grandmother doing something I had never seen her do before; she was crying. (What qualities define her? Why is this out of character?) This was my second mother, and she was the woman who raised me while my mother worked late into the evenings. I wondered why the person who meant the world to me was so sad. Nonetheless, I asked my grandmother what was wrong. My mother shushed me, but then reluctantly whispered to me, “Mami’s citizenship was denied”. My mom explained the consequences of Mami’s failed test as best she could to a six year old. I lost a little bit of my childhood innocence that day. If Mami went back to Costa Rica my entire world would have been in disarray.

(Here I would go into those qualities you referred or hinted to in the previous paragraph as applied to Mami's determination to obtain citizenship. Follow that up with how these facets of her personality influenced you and how the gravity of her predicament inspired you to want to help others in similar situations without explicitly mentioning going into law.)

As I packed my belonging to attend college, my grandmother Mami gave me a kiss and wished me the best. I was excited to leave home, and experience a life on my own. At the same time, I was fortunate to know exactly what I wanted do with my life; to become an attorney. These newfound interests of mine led me to pursue my undergraduate studies in Political Science. I learned about many different laws, the legislative processes, and how such attributes of the American system affect the citizens in this country. When I learned about America’s public policy, and the legislative process, I began to think retrospectively about my life; for example, my parents’ divorce, and my mother and I losing the house in which we lived. (although these events are most certainly important in your life, for the purposes of the PS stick with your legal passion, immigration law, and the story which inspired it) I thought about how the law entered my family’s lives, and how it could act as a blessing, and a curse. I learned that life is not always easy, and typically lawyers meet people when they are experiencing some of the worst times of their lives. I have confidence that my past experiences have afforded me empathy and compassion for others. As an attorney, I will have a unique perspective in the court room when assisting non-native (born) Americans, because I understand how difficult it is to survive when one is out of their element.

As a young child the law impacted my life in numerous ways. (reassert inspriation here). would like nothing more than to the ensure immigrants who possess the American dream be afforded an ample opportunity to achieve their goal of citizenship. As a fluent Spanish speaking attorney, I know that I could make an important impact in the lives of the many disadvantaged Latin/Hispanic persons whom struggle to find their niche in America. As I reflect back on my own family’s struggle with obtaining citizenship I cannot help but to hold the utopian ideal that I could help countless families with similar plights as mine.

I feel the PS is more interesting and flows better in this order. Of course you certainly will make sure it flows together better than this slapdash copypaste. Remember that inspiration is the heartbeat of a PERSONAL statement, it must circulate throughout the entire piece.

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Gefuehlsecht
Posts: 113
Joined: Sat Sep 19, 2009 12:20 am

Re: Urgent, I need your help!

Postby Gefuehlsecht » Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:49 am

If I only had a dollar for every time I read about an inspiring grandparent I'd take care of the country's deficit myself. And yes, I know, your grandmother was important to you. Nevertheless, talking about the hardships of family members is extremely overused. Be careful when using that topic for a personal statement.

Also, I don't really buy the reasons you mention for becoming an attorney. Why did you feel inspired by divorce and immigration struggles? What exactly happened which made you decide that you want to become a lawyer?

Next is the citizenship part. I certainly might be wrong but last time I checked a failed citizenship test isn't grounds for deportation. Whatever happened to the permanent residency requirement before people go for their citizenship test? Wasn't your grandmother a greencard holder anyways as she geared up to take the test? If yes, then what's the big deal? If no, elaborate.

Take out the stuff about your fascination in the legislative process. Meaningless statement. Same with the life is not always easy. Law a blessing and a curse? Cliche. Don't do it. Finally, where is the interest in international law coming from? You aren't even a law student yet and your passion in life is international law? Are you sure about that? Last sentence is dangerously starry-eyed.

Take another look at this.

knightrider2002
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:50 pm

Re: Urgent, I need your help!

Postby knightrider2002 » Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:28 pm

Gefuehlsecht wrote:If I only had a dollar for every time I read about an inspiring grandparent I'd take care of the country's deficit myself. And yes, I know, your grandmother was important to you. Nevertheless, talking about the hardships of family members is extremely overused. Be careful when using that topic for a personal statement.

Also, I don't really buy the reasons you mention for becoming an attorney. Why did you feel inspired by divorce and immigration struggles? What exactly happened which made you decide that you want to become a lawyer?

Next is the citizenship part. I certainly might be wrong but last time I checked a failed citizenship test isn't grounds for deportation. Whatever happened to the permanent residency requirement before people go for their citizenship test? Wasn't your grandmother a greencard holder anyways as she geared up to take the test? If yes, then what's the big deal? If no, elaborate.


She had a hard time paying for the N-400 application fee.

andreea7
Posts: 142
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Urgent, I need your help!

Postby andreea7 » Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:38 pm

Just curious -- why is this urgent? aren't applications over? I am just wondering, really.

Not much to add about the statement. At first glance I can tell you that you will lose your readers after the first sentences. Someone embracing you and wishing you luck is interesting only if maybe you are going to war or something. Seems to me like you have way more interesting anecdotes to start with if that's the way you want to go.

It will take you many drafts and a lot of staring in the space to shape it up, but it will happen.

umichgrad
Posts: 381
Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am

Re: Urgent, I need your help!

Postby umichgrad » Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:52 am

Also:

Semi-colons separate two independent clauses. Ex: At the same time, I was fortunate to know exactly what I wanted do with my life; I wanted to become an attorney.

Both halves of the sentence can stand on their own. If you want to keep it the way you had it, you need a colon (:) or an em-dash (--). There's a couple of places in your PS where this happens.

houston
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Mar 14, 2010 10:16 am

Re: Urgent, I need your help!

Postby houston » Thu Apr 08, 2010 10:47 am

I heart spam. (LinkRemoved)




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