Any advice is better than no advice. Please Help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Gonzod23
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 8:45 pm

Any advice is better than no advice. Please Help!

Postby Gonzod23 » Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:03 pm

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE (No More than 600 words)

Midway through my junior year in college, I realized something every college student probably considers upon graduation: am I choosing the right profession? I always knew growing up I wanted to help the rights of victims in some way, the problem I struggled with was if being in law enforcement the right job for me. As young as I can remember, I grew up watching my mother get physically and emotionally abused by my father. When I was 10 years old he was finally taken away by the police and was out of my family’s life for good. At this age was when my interest of the legal system began and it is an interest that has always remained with me. As a young boy I quickly realized just how much the legal system could help victim’s rights, from saving the lives of children, mothers, to entire families. I knew somehow I wanted to play a part in helping this system.

That was why as graduation rapidly approached I knew I had a choice to make. I could continue pursuing a job in the field of criminal justice in order to fulfill my interest of helping victim’s rights or continue my work as a Transportation Security Officer with the Department of Homeland Security. However, both options seemed to fall short of my main goals in life. I wanted so much more for myself. I needed something that would challenge me more every day, something that would help me use this fire I have to succeed, something that truly fits my personality, but most importantly, something that will allow me to engage more in helping with victims’ rights.

I am convinced this something, is law school. By having the opportunity of attending (XXX) school of law program, I will finally accomplish what I have been striving for my entire life. Ultimately, I believe it is my desire of finding something that challenges me every single day and where I must persevere to achieve the very first goal I set in my life: helping, as much as I can, victims in need of assistance.

Looking back at my short but eventful life, I suppose my aspiration for greater heights is the core reason behind my ambitions in life. I’ve transformed my life tremendously from an innocent 10 year-old boy, to serving my country in foreign lands, and to finding creative ways to put myself through college; it seems I have always had this innate desire and motivation to succeed. Having realized this, I am now ready to pursue the Juris Doctor. I am confident I will be able to use the degree to help show people who have struggled in life and who may have struggles in the future that there are still people in our legal system who are more than willing to help protect them.

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scribelaw
Posts: 771
Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm

Re: Any advice is better than no advice. Please Help!

Postby scribelaw » Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:13 pm

Statement of purpose? Weirdly put.

The topic could work, but the writing is terrible here. You need much sharper, crisper sentences (you are partial to the run-on sentence, too. Wouldn't recommend that.). What you really need are details. You say you want to help victims rights, but don't provide much concrete to show why you're a good candidate to do that. Reading this, I learn nothing about why you're a good candidate for law school student or even anything interesting about you.

Also, don't say "Juris Doctor" in your PS, and nix phrases like "looking back at my short but eventful life" and "I've transformed my life tremendously from an innocent 10-year-old boy." Those are truly shudder worthy.

Basically, you just need to try again.

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Kiersten1985
Posts: 784
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 3:36 pm

Re: Any advice is better than no advice. Please Help!

Postby Kiersten1985 » Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:14 pm

This is very trite and doesn't really talk about who you are as a unique individual. I would start over and make it more focused. I don't see an actual event that "changed" YOU (everyone, as you point out, goes through the "what am I going to do in life" thing in college). I had to reread it to understand what the story/main point was and adcoms won't read it more than once.

Gonzod23
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 8:45 pm

Re: Any advice is better than no advice. Please Help!

Postby Gonzod23 » Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:41 pm

Thanks, I appreciate the help. This is just one of MANY drafts. I'll keep trying.

idylls
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:46 pm

Re: Any advice is better than no advice. Please Help!

Postby idylls » Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:54 pm

The first sentence is off - you say you realize something and your supposed realization is a question. I'd rework that. "help the rights of victims" is also awkward. I'm going to stop with the little stuff now - start with your mom and what you witnessed, and then detail how that made you want to get involved in law enforcement and subsequently law.

I'd agree that perhaps the best thing to do at this point is scrap the draft - scrap it or strip it down to bare bones and start rebuilding.




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