NEED A CRITIQUE AND CLOSE UNFINISHED PERSONAL STATMENT

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
RPEYTON365
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:29 pm

NEED A CRITIQUE AND CLOSE UNFINISHED PERSONAL STATMENT

Postby RPEYTON365 » Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:36 pm

The
Last edited by RPEYTON365 on Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ConMan345
Posts: 577
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:08 pm

Re: NEED A CRITIQUE AND CLOSE UNFINISHED PERSONAL STATMENT

Postby ConMan345 » Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:47 pm

This needs some pretty serious editing for grammar/punctuation/style.

acrossthelake
Posts: 4431
Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 5:27 pm

Re: NEED A CRITIQUE AND CLOSE UNFINISHED PERSONAL STATMENT

Postby acrossthelake » Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:43 pm

ConMan345 wrote:This needs some pretty serious editing for grammar/punctuation/style.

+1

First off, I'm really really sorry for your loss. It sounds really awful.

But moving on to my critique of your personal statement.

I'd scrap the personal statement completely. It has no coherence and no real theme. Your first paragraph is a combination of "here is this weak sentence stating why I want to go to law school(one course) and a regurgitation of some of my resume". Then your second paragraph is "here is some tragedy that I've dealt with that I think built my charcater". Most of your sentences are generic and there's no voice. Your loss, while tragic, doesn't really lend itself to why one should accept you to be a law student. I think it has no place in your personal statement in terms of how you've written about it. Perhaps if presented differently, but currently all it does is invoke sympathy, but sympathy isn't going to move them to accept you.

RPEYTON365
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 8:29 pm

Re: NEED A CRITIQUE AND CLOSE UNFINISHED PERSONAL STATMENT

Postby RPEYTON365 » Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:55 pm

Thanks for the advice!




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