personal statement critiques

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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personal statement critiques

Postby tsbotros » Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:03 pm

Last edited by tsbotros on Fri May 14, 2010 2:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: personal statement critiques

Postby Snuffie » Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:46 pm

tsbotros wrote:through my research of several law schools, I have determined that Illinois Law will give me the best tools to help others. Illinois Law's aggressive plan of attack and commitment to diversity provide an ideal setting for the pursuit of knowledge. I would like to be a part of this ongoing tradition and use this knowledge to fulfill my goals.

If you're trying to explain "why Illinois" then really explain why Illinois.

Will the adcomm know what you mean by "aggressive plan of attack?"

I don't know anything about Illinois' "committment to diversity" but how is it relevant? Seems boilerplate to me.

My only other comment is a resounding "well done" on overcoming your plight and taking decisive action.

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Re: personal statement critiques

Postby gmartin » Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:10 pm

Really hope you caught this error because I stopped reading after I saw it:

College was only a few days away and the anxiety was staring to build in my mind.

Should be STARTING

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Re: personal statement critiques

Postby mhernton » Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:22 pm

The other posters already caught what I planned on saying. You essay has potential. I would say that it is slightly above average, but not exceptional. With that being said, why did you wait so late in the game to apply to school? My suggestion to you is unless you have over a 170 on the LSAT, which you don't because you're applying to UofI, is prepare yourself for rejection, look for a job as a paralegal, retake the LSAT in June and apply in September for Fall of 2011. I don't say this to be cruel, but over 80% of the acceptances for most schools have already gone out. That leaves you to compete with everyone who is being considered right now. Good Luck

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Re: personal statement critiques

Postby bees » Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:34 pm

You can't really have a "barrage" of flips. That's not the way the word is supposed to be used.

The bit about Illinois is so contrived, you have to get rid of it.

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Re: personal statement critiques

Postby dynomite » Mon Mar 22, 2010 1:29 pm

I would cut all of this:

Once school started the anxiety only continued to build. This was college; it was supposed to be a time of independence and growth. But I could not even focus on my calculus homework. I began to wonder what I was even doing here. On several occasions my hand was on the phone ready to call my parents to tell them I was going to take a leave of absence. I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life -- quitting school or standing up and fighting this dilemma head on.

I chose the latter. My first objective was to find out what I was dealing with. The financial problems were the main challenge. But on a deeper level these financial burdens had taken a toll on my psyche. I found myself continuously trying to battle off the flurry of thoughts that told me to run as fast and far away from the situation as I could. Dealing with my state of mind was what I needed to pursue first. I immediately met with a school counselor to talk out all of my problems. Together we came up with a plan of action. With a plan in front of me, the paralyzing effects of the anxiety began to fade.

With this positive momentum it was time to take the next step.

While I'm sure you went through significant mental anguish, the rigors of law and pressures of law school are going to be enormous -- I don't think it's in your best interest to go into detail about that part of your experience.

Oh, I just realized you already sent this off... in any event, you write well. I'm sure it's fine.

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