Addendum. Is this a sufficient reason to write one?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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soaponarope
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Addendum. Is this a sufficient reason to write one?

Postby soaponarope » Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:58 pm

Spring 2007:
In the spring of 2007, my grandmother fell extremely ill, both mentally and physically. She eventually moved in with my parents. A problem arose when she was confronted with the decision that a nursing home would suit her best. My grandmother is a Cuban immigrant and speaks very little English. She was terrified to live in a place where no one could understand her, and thought nursing homes mistreated the elderly. She refused to live in a nursing home, and this created a tumultuous environment in my household. My grandmother would have daily panic attacks, and needed medical attention quite often. This drove my parents into a deep depression, and adversely affected my own mental health. My grandmother threatened to euthanize herself if she was forced into a nursing home. Both of my parents work full-time, my grandmother has only one child, and is widowed. There was no one around to watch her if she fell, or needed to use the restroom. With the occurrence of this unfortunate incident I withdrew from two courses, and received two C’s. I would like to ask the admissions committee to consider the circumstances during my undergraduate semester in the spring of 2007.

Should I add, or delete anything? Grammar ok? Appreciate any help, tia.

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voice of reason
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Re: Addendum. Is this a sufficient reason to write one?

Postby voice of reason » Wed Mar 03, 2010 1:19 am

I think this is at least twice as long as it needs to be. You had a bad semester because of eldercare challenges. Only give the details that are necessary to make the committee understand that you had something more important than school going on that term.

You need the info in the first sentence and the info from "Both my parents work full time..." forward.

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Mattalones
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Re: Addendum. Is this a sufficient reason to write one?

Postby Mattalones » Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:06 am

I didn't know why I was reading it until I got to the last sentence. Put the "I got Cs" stuff first, so that it reads "I got Cs and here's why," b/c right now it reads "Blah-bid-ee, Blah-bid-ee, Blah ... so I got Cs."

dynomite
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Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:58 pm

Re: Addendum. Is this a sufficient reason to write one?

Postby dynomite » Thu Mar 11, 2010 3:14 pm

My (quick and dirty -- didn't reread or check grammar) suggestion:

In the spring of 2007, my grandmother fell extremely ill and moved in with my parents. Because my parents both work full-time and my grandmother required constant supervision and attention, primary caretaking responsibilities fell to me. As a result, you will notice a significant drop in my academic performance. Please consider these circumstances when evaluating my course grades from that semester.




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