Final Draft of my PS ---- Please provide your opinion.

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Santiago and Dunbar
Posts: 21
Joined: Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:36 pm

Final Draft of my PS ---- Please provide your opinion.

Postby Santiago and Dunbar » Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:48 pm

Listening to the monotonous humming of medical machinery reminded me of my reality. I was spending my first night on the cardiac floor of New York Presbyterian Hospital. Wallowing in self pity and desperation, I tried to understand why I had been diagnosed with myocarditis. Only a few days ago I was out enjoying myself with friends, now I wondered if anything would ever be the same. This situation was pivotal in my path towards self discovery, but I would be lying if I said I got through this on my own. I had the good fortune of meeting Joey.

A few hours ago the doctor had finished his nightly rounds and I asked if I would be ok. The doctor replied that only time will tell.

Hours passed as I stared blankly at the ceiling. I eventually turned off the lights and became consumed with tears. Thankfully, I was interrupted by the other patient in the room.

“Hey buddy, it’s going to be ok.”

Pausing out of shock and embarrassment, I offered my thanks and finally fell asleep. That was the longest night of my life.

The following morning I awoke to a stale bagel coupled with the hospital’s excuse for fresh fruit. Our curtains were pushed back, allowing me and the man behind them a chance for a formal greeting. Joey was sixty-five with a small frame and a distinguished goatee. He had been having heart problems for some time, but despite that his demeanor was positive. I thanked him again for helping me through the night before, to which he humbly replied, “You would have done the same if you had heard me.”

I thought about what he said and asked myself if I really would have done the same. I may have been too uncomfortable to say anything. I may have sat there selfishly worrying about how uncomfortable he was making me feel. As I asked myself these questions, Joey sat there awaiting a response but all I could do was smile uncertainly. This hospital stay was the crux in carving out the person I wanted to become.

I have become a person who understands how to work with others through times of difficulty. Recognizing my imperfections has strengthened me as a friend and leader. As a leader, Joey taught me I may need to step outside of my comfort zone to make a difference. Learning to stay positive in the face of adversity has helped mold me with confidence, yet he reminded me there are times to stay humble. Socrates says it best; “One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.” He understood that we are constantly in the process of shaping ourselves. I have gained insight about myself through my struggle and look forward to future challenges. For I once viewed challenges as cumbersome obstacles, I now see them representing an opportunity to grow.

With this application to ____________, I feel better equipped to work with both my colleagues and professors towards a successful career in law.

Santiago and Dunbar
Posts: 21
Joined: Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:36 pm

Re: Final Draft of my PS ---- Please provide your opinion.

Postby Santiago and Dunbar » Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:57 pm

The second to last paragraph may need some minor tweaking.

dwoof
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 3:15 pm

Re: Final Draft of my PS ---- Please provide your opinion.

Postby dwoof » Tue Mar 02, 2010 5:51 pm

I wouldn't just throw a law school name in at the end; I have read on TLS in the personal statement section that law schools don't like it. I like the story, but I would like to know why you want to study law. There are also a few grammatical errors. Socrates SAID. Don't start the last sentence of the second to the last paragraph with the word For. These are just a couple, and I would definitely proof read this many more times, because any grammatical error is likely to be caught by the admissions committee.




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