I believe the problem with this personal statement is that you spend almost 3/4 of it describing sad portions of your life while only providing a brief introspection afterwards. Also your why law connection is quite weak.
Extremely weak!!!!!!!!!!! Almost nonexistent!!!!!!
That's the advice I need. I've got someone to do my proofing, as far as grammar and syntax goes, but these are the things I need help with.
Lol. I love when people pick out the most incidental or least negative advice and latch onto that.
The problem isn't that you don't have a why law connection. That's actually not even necessary. A lot of good statements don't have that.
Your statement is just strange, and you should start over. You talk about your sister, your mother's shoulder, her divorce....Get rid of all of that...Pick something interesting or unique that you have accomplished
and write about that. This has to be about you.
In addition, the notion of controlling yourself in stressful situations -- that's gotta go. First, the way you describe it is weird -- it's both something you were "determined to hone" and "took for granted." Can't be both. Plus, that's your subjective take on a personality trait, which perhaps most or all other applicants would say they also possess, and not a unique or compelling accomplishment that makes you an interesting candidate.
I'm sorry, but don't try to fix this. Just pick a new topic and take another swing. I'm sure you can do better and write a great statement.