redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

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ugobabe86
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redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby ugobabe86 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 1:58 am

:oops:
Last edited by ugobabe86 on Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

bogwai
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby bogwai » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:16 am

Unecessary use of semicolons and I wouldn't use contractions.

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iShotFirst
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby iShotFirst » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:18 am

The first paragraph I really like, the second seems disjointed with lots of clipped sentences, I'm not sure how they relate to each other. I'm sure when you finish it it will link back to the first paragraph, but the second paragraph is just not coherent.

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ugobabe86
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby ugobabe86 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:21 am

@iShotFirst I agree, my brain went dead I'll work on the second paragrah.
@bogwai Thanks for being the first comment! and no more semicolons.

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JustDude
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby JustDude » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:46 am

Pretty lame, not worth line by line analysis.


So basically, you filed an immigration papers for your mother, (somethimng a retarded monkey can accomplish - majority of people are doing on thier own). It was not a complicated cas (I guess child US Citisen, there isnt even any wait period).
And this somehow qualified you for international law. And then you go on to discuss how to reconcile sharia laws with western laws. This attempt is not only completely absurd, but it has no relevance to "international law".

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bees
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby bees » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:52 am

You're not allowed to simply take out colons/semicolons and not replace them with anything.

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Zapatero
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby Zapatero » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:56 am

ugobabe86 wrote:
I couldn’t believe it had finally arrived after a nearly two year ordeal. I held the letter in my hand it felt like This is a run-on now. You have two independent clauses w/o any punctuation or conjunction an electrical charge through my body, racing up the staircase I finally felt Another independent clause w/o a conjunction like I was the end of my endurance race. Waving the letter in my hand I told my mother the decision had come through, ripping it open my mother’s smile said it all we had succeeded Another comma splice/run-on. I actually accomplished a feat that many hadn’t being? able or willing to accomplish, another comma spliceI had helped my mother become a permanent resident in the United States. The elation I felt was beyond any other emotion I had felt before or since. The process was daunting I didn’t have the luxury of getting legal advice on how to proceed nor did I have a working knowledge of legal jargon another run-on. Up to this point the issue of immigration hadn’t been of much thought to me now I had a personal stake run-on in the discussion. Refilling forms due to mistakes and missing information, frustration was a constant companion to me. I had grown cynical at the prospects of accomplishing what I had started a year plus before. When we finally received our interview date it seemed like the finish line was in sight, a point in the distance but visible. Sitting at the table with the immigration officer, I felt sick my hands sipped from the chair handles run-on wherever I tried to hold on them. My fear wasn’t comparable to my mother’s who had a look I haven’t seen before. The questioning went smoothly enough with the occasional lump in my throat I was able to run-on speak and defend my sponsorship. Going through the process let an indelible mark on me, one that I couldn’t possibly have had without going through this experience.

[Not finished]


Even without delving into the content, the syntax errors make this almost entirely unintelligible. Like I said before, you need to take this to your UG's writing center or hire an editor. The amount of help that you need to turn this into a coherent essay would pretty much require someone to rewrite it for you. Hate to be harsh, but it is what it is.

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JustDude
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby JustDude » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:00 am

Zapatero wrote:
Even without delving into the content, the syntax errors make this almost entirely unintelligible. Like I said before, you need to take this to your UG's writing center or hire an editor. The amount of help that you need to turn this into a coherent essay would pretty much require someone to rewrite it for you. Hate to be harsh, but it is what it is.


I will defend her a bit. She did have semicolons (legitmate way to connect two independents), but someone suggested removal of semicolons (probably meaning that sentences need to be revised as well). She just removed them.

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Zapatero
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Re: redux: I'M TRYING AGAIN

Postby Zapatero » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:06 am

JustDude wrote:
Zapatero wrote:
Even without delving into the content, the syntax errors make this almost entirely unintelligible. Like I said before, you need to take this to your UG's writing center or hire an editor. The amount of help that you need to turn this into a coherent essay would pretty much require someone to rewrite it for you. Hate to be harsh, but it is what it is.


I will defend her a bit. She did have semicolons (legitmate way to connect two independents), but someone suggested removal of semicolons (probably meaning that sentences need to be revised as well). She just removed them.


Ahh, didn't realize that. That makes sense. Like bees said, she'll have to replace them with something.




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