Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
KarlZ06
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Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby KarlZ06 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:54 am

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Last edited by KarlZ06 on Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:58 am, edited 11 times in total.

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Dany
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby Dany » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:46 am

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Last edited by Dany on Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

musicfor18
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby musicfor18 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:51 am

Agreed. Definitely lose the opening quote.

KarlZ06
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby KarlZ06 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:55 pm

Appreciate the feedback. I'll def. take it into consideration. However, can we get to the "meat and potatoes" of the PS rather than the quote. Thanks again.

Karl

**Added the award I received from the President in the PS.

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Dany
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby Dany » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:00 pm

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Last edited by Dany on Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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JordynAsh
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby JordynAsh » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:01 pm

+1000000 DO NOT open with a quote!

bball999
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby bball999 » Wed Mar 03, 2010 5:13 am

Pushing aside for one moment those painful grammatical errors that color this body of writing, you still have some major problems. These three items should be your biggest concern:

1. It reads like a resume. Bad bad bad.

2. You come across as very arrogant.

3. There's no central argument. The grandma theme is weak.

Read some of the more polished PS's on this site, meditate about your life, and start over. You'll get it right eventually - practice makes perfect.

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Dany
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby Dany » Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:23 pm

bball999 wrote:Pushing aside for one moment those painful grammatical errors that color this body of writing, you still have some major problems. These three items should be your biggest concern:

1. It reads like a resume. Bad bad bad.

2. You come across as very arrogant.

3. There's no central argument. The grandma theme is weak.

Read some of the more polished PS's on this site, meditate about your life, and start over. You'll get it right eventually - practice makes perfect.

KarlZ, are you going to send a nasty PM to this poster, too? Just curious if you're rude to everyone who provides legitimate feedback or just me.

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lostjake
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby lostjake » Wed Mar 03, 2010 4:57 pm

1. If you have a TSC you're not supposed to disclose that to anyone.
2. TSC are case specific, thus.. ie, if you have a TS to work on a secret can opener, you'll need a new one to protect the first dog of the US

HBK
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby HBK » Wed Mar 03, 2010 5:27 pm

and at 24 years old became SGIS’ youngest P.M.

That's pretty impressive and you should feel free to include that. Compare that to the following:

I raised my base pay from 35k to roughly 130k (including commission) in one calendar year. To this day, one of my greatest obstacles was being promoted over and supervising an employee that was hired before me and much older than me. Truth be told, he was even ahead of me on the sales charts. According to SGIS, they “saw something in me…”.

Completely unnecessary and arrogant sounding. If you included a resume, and if you have an LOR from an employer, your ability to excel should come out there.

I was promoted above many, many people. I also made a pretty penny in my career.

My PS said something like: "I excelled at my job and enjoyed a fruitful career" or "Due to my hard work and ambition, I quickly ascended the corporate ladder. Within a year, I had been promoted X times to the position of XXXXX, where I supervised a team of 30 people." Nobody cares about how much you made. In fact, that's an area that is only going to make people to like you less. You can be proud of it, but it's not something adults talk about.

As far as getting promoted over someone else, why is that an obstacle? Was the obstacle that you had to manage someone who didn't like you? Did you have to learn to deal with an insubordinate employee? This seems more interesting, and a topic that would actually require elaboration.

Your current draft is a bit scattered. Your paragraph long resume doesn't segue well from the previous paragraph or into the last two paragraphs. There's the grandma thing, two quotes, a resume, then the optimistic "I want to heal the world" paragraph, then your conclusion.

Also: After completing my law degree, I plan on utilizing my T/S clearance to support the Government. is an awkward sentence. How are you going to support the government?

Hope this helps.

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DeSilentio2728
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby DeSilentio2728 » Fri Mar 05, 2010 3:55 am

Lots of punctuation/forgetting of small words like 'the' mistakes, but that all will be corrected later I'm sure.

DO NOT OPEN WITH A QUOTE!!! OTHERS ARE ADVISING THIS FOR A REASON, BECAUSE IT IS ONE OF THE TOP THINGS ADCOMS SAY THEY HATE!!!

The meat and potatoes: Well, from what I can tell, you have two different essays here. Either go with the grandma theme, or go with the climbing the corporate ladder theme, not both. The first half of your essay is entirely about your grandma, whereas your PS should be solely about you. It is a good thing to write how someone has influenced you, but you need to really find a way to limit their presence in your ps. Personally, I like the grandma thing best, as I believe it is some of your best writing, but what would be most effective, is if somehow you were able to translate that great work experience into a more promising ps. Perhaps, take just one instance where you shined, learned something, etc…in your job, and write a statement revolving around that one instance. This would then show both how important your work experience is to you, but more so, it would give the adcoms insight into how you think through situations.

Zatarra
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Re: Part 2. PS do over. Last time I got ripped apart. Feedback?

Postby Zatarra » Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:28 pm

KarlZ06 wrote:"If you don't stand up for what you believe in, who will?"
~Anonymous


To echo what others have said -- nix the quote.

KarlZ06 wrote:I was raised to put family and community above all else, which has guided my life’s direction. My parents and family have been an inspiration and driving force behind my commitment and compassion to others; but the greatest impact is owed to my grandmother, Georgianna Reichelt. This strong woman instilled in me perseverance and the will to fight for what I believe. Witnessing the hardships and challenges she overcame and knowing she continues to dedicate herself to serving others shaped the person I am today.

She started her political career in elementary school by passing out campaign materials during the 1940 Roosevelt vs. Wilkie presidential campaign. She walked for Wilkie. Like my grandma, I too passed out campaign material in elementary school; I walked for her. (school board)

My grandma’s campaign flyer remains fresh in my mind: “The Buck Stops Here!” From that campaign on, I realized the impact a single person can have and the responsibility we all have to our community and our country. For 70+ years, her devotion and service has been constant and it is the most important lesson she taught me -- not through her words, but by her actions.

“Longtime community activist Georgiana Reichelt, during one of her many trips to the podium to criticize the Manteca City Council during Tuesday night’s meeting, asked at one point of Mayor Willie Weatherford “…may I call you Willie?”

The mayor, without missing a beat, shot back, “Georgiana, you’ve called me a lot worse than that.” (Wyatt, Dennis - Manteca Bulletin Aug. 2009)

I grew up reading about my grandma in the local newspaper; articles such as the excerpt above were routine. Her concern for those that needed a voice and her unrelenting actions taught me how to apply research, knowledge, strategy and compassion to help others. I truly began to understand and appreciate how the government operates during my freshman year of high school. I regularly attended city council and school board meetings with my grandma by my side. She continues to be my mentor and inspires me to stand up for what I believe. She is why I became active in student government, service clubs, community organizations, etc. Because of her, I became aware of my capabilities as a leader at a young age and have taken on a number of leadership roles in my school, work place, and community. My volunteer efforts have been recognized by local, state, federal officials and President, George W. Bush. To this day, I remember one distinct newspaper article, it was published on Thanksgiving Day, and named both my grandma and me as people to be thankful for in our hometown.

This is more or less 'part 1' of your essay, and really doesn't fit the next paragraph. Choose which of these two parts you prefer, and shift the focus to that. I recommend focusing on the above section, as your next paragraph reads like a resume -- which you're already submitting.

Echoing others once again, be wary of coming off a bit arrogant. Nix the final sentence in this paragraph -- show, don't tell. Demonstrate worth and value by accounting your actions, not by throwing in a laundry list of accolades without explaining why or how you earned them. Focus more on the process, not the awards here.

KarlZ06 wrote:Until recently, I was an employee of a federal government contractor, SGIS. I currently possess a Top Secret Clearance-SSBI (single scope background investigation). While at SGIS and as Project Manager (Account Manager), I was responsible for one of SGIS’ largest contracts; supporting NASA and JPL (Jet Propulsion Laboratory). I developed and implemented policy and procedures and ensured administrative and logistical need of 160+ SGIS contract personnel on-site at JPL were met, provided SGIS employee performance evaluation and reviews, and ensured daily work status of personnel on task. Performed business development activities, capture management, target identification, pricing strategy, contract management and teaming agreements. Planned budget and ensured profit and revenue goal were met. Met regularly with government representatives and Technical POCs, to coordinate and review contractual relationships user needs and requirements are met. Managed existing contractual obligations, negotiated for future opportunities and business development, and worked with other supporting corporations in pursuance of contractual and task obligations. I was first in my training class of 15 promoted and at 24 years old became SGIS’ youngest P.M. Through hard word and dedication, I raised my base pay from 35k to roughly 130k (including commission) in one calendar year. To this day, one of my greatest obstacles was being promoted over and supervising an employee that was hired before me and much older than me. Truth be told, he was even ahead of me on the sales charts. According to SGIS, they “saw something in me…”.


Nix this segment entirely, or find some way to make it fit better with the former segment. This should all be in your resume, and if you feel it needs further explication, modify your resume.


KarlZ06 wrote:I do believe, I was put on Earth to make a difference and the study of law will prepare me.
Get rid of this, and tone down or remove similar statements (again, don't state your self-worth outright, demonstrate it via examples!).

KarlZ06 wrote:Knowing what I do know, I find the aspect of law fascinating and intellectually stimulating; I am truly motivated to make the most of this opportunity. Earning a Law Degree is consistent with my commitment to employ the gifts I have received to make my world a better place. The building blocks of my life; family values and social responsibility, academic and professional accomplishments have molded a strong character that will enable me to excel in law school and in my legal career. The ideals my grandmother formed in me will continue to guide me through life, no matter what obstacles I encounter. I will bring to the law profession a unique perspective from my personal history and powerful work ethic. I have and will continue to dedicate myself to learning and becoming a person of value in our world. Dedication to and actively participating in the field of law, will allow me to combine my care for others with the necessary technical skills, and will provide me the opportunity to have a major impact on people's lives and our world.

After completing my law degree, I plan on utilizing my T/S clearance to support the Government. I strongly believe I have a realistic appreciation for the challenges -- mental, emotional and physical -- involved in pursuing a career in law. I am motivated and committed to persevere and prevail over the academic rigors of legal training. I am confident that I will become a valuable member of the legal profession. My grandmother taught me to be a compassionate and dedicated leader, and I intend to seek a leadership role in law school and through life. My experiences are unique, as is the person I have become because of them; my perspectives and dedication will set me apart from the masses.


Modify the above to reflect changes in focus. Once you've settled on your key points, do a few passes to tighten up the language and grammar. At the moment, the language and structure are still too rough for a top PS.

Hope that helps, and good luck! This is also very generic, which should be fine for many schools, but do remember you may want to tailor your statements a bit if your aiming for T14.




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