DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
upperscalekitten27
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DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby upperscalekitten27 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:09 am

hi all,

Can somebody please help me with this? How does this sound? Any suggestions?


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who came to visit me from out of state with her family. While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. The reason I drove is that the McDonald’s was serving only on the drive through at time. I got pulled over at a traffic light for crossing the stop line with my front tires of my vehicle. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed over the legal limit alcoholic consumption. I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that let to the arrest was very poor and that incident does not aberration to my normal pattern of behavior or character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please do not take this incident in evaluating my application and feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.

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vespertiliovir
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby vespertiliovir » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:13 am

Too long.

Also, this is kind of a dumb excuse -- no offense, just trying to be honest.

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Spaceman Spiff
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby Spaceman Spiff » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:17 am

Looks fine. Delete the last sentence, get rid of your comma splices, and I think you're good.

vespertiliovir wrote:Too long.

Also, this is kind of a dumb excuse -- no offense, just trying to be honest.


Agreed that it's not a great excuse, but OP isn't trying to excuse it so much as disclose it.

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phoenix323
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby phoenix323 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:24 am

upperscalekitten27 wrote:While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please do not take this incident in evaluating my application and feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.


I would REALLY avoid telling telling the committee not to take this incident into consideration as they evaluate your application because 1.) They will, and 2.) it seems like you are trying gloss over the incident, as if it is not important.

Other than that, I would would consider taking out the part about McDonald's. It's not necessary and it further calls your judgment into question.

If you edit these two things out, I think you should be fine. Disclosure is the main thing and there have been several years since the incident, which is also promising.

Best of luck on your cycle!

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pleasetryagain
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby pleasetryagain » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:27 am

either flame or worst addendum ever

While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. The reason I drove is that the McDonald’s was serving only on the drive through at time.


c'mon..

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GotYourselfAStewGoin
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby GotYourselfAStewGoin » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:30 am

upperscalekitten27 wrote:Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who was visiting from out of state with her family. While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. I drove because the McDonald’s was serving only via the drive through at time. I got pulled over at a traffic light for crossing the stop line with the front tires of my vehicle. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed over the legal limit for alcoholic consumption. I was arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that led to the arrest was very poor and that incident was an aberration from my normal pattern of behavior and character. I never had an incident prior to or after that.

I am not proud of that mistake, but I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to BYU Law School.


From one fan of McDonald's salads to another.

NewtonLied
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby NewtonLied » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:31 am

Also, aberration is absolutely not a verb. You could say this event WAS an aberration compared to your normal behavior.
And yea, ditch the Mcdonalds nonsense.

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JustDude
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby JustDude » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:32 am

upperscalekitten27 wrote:hi all,

Can somebody please help me with this? How does this sound? Any suggestions?


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who came to visit me from out of state with her family. While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. The reason I drove is that the McDonald’s was serving only on the drive through at time. I got pulled over at a traffic light for crossing the stop line with my front tires of my vehicle. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed over the legal limit alcoholic consumption. I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that let to the arrest was very poor and that incident does not aberration to my normal pattern of behavior or character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please do not take this incident in evaluating my application and feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.


So you decided to violate the law and put people at danger because you saw a commercial for McDonalds and decided to try it. It couldnt wait till next morning. Not a very upscale kitten.

Also add more details, such as chatting with sister, drinking wine, discussing carl (your ex BF), shopping on-line and watching sex in the city (The movie)

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pleasetryagain
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby pleasetryagain » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:35 am

also.. a "few" glasses of wine put you over the legal BAC?

also.. you were stopped for having your front tires over the line? you sure it wasn't your erratic driving/swerving/braking?

flame

upperscalekitten27
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby upperscalekitten27 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:32 am

thank you all for your input and feedback. this might not be the most common reason but that actually happened. your comments were helpful!

thanks !

engineer
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby engineer » Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:26 am

upperscalekitten27 wrote:hi all,

Can somebody please help me with this? How does this sound? Any suggestions?


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who came to visit me from out of state with her family. While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. The reason I drove is that the McDonald’s was serving only on the drive through at time. I got pulled over at a traffic light for crossing the stop line with my front tires of my vehicle. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed over the legal limit alcoholic consumption. I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that let to the arrest was very poor and that incident does not aberration to my normal pattern of behavior or character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please do not take this incident in evaluating my application and feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.


If admissions committees are run at all like MTV's "Next," you'll be NEXT!ed before you step off the bus.

Honestly, this shouldn't be more than a paragraph. Do not try making excuses for bad judgment, and please refrain from asking them not to consider a lapse of judgment in their admissions decision. Instead, just mention the incident, acknowledge the bad judgment, explain how you've learned a valuable lesson, and tacitly link that lesson to how it will make you a better lawyer without being trite. (Pro-tip: "I was driving over the limit. Officer Buzzkill placed me under arrest. I learned my lesson. I will be a better lawyer because now I will be able to relate on a personal level to potential clients." is trite, hackneyed, cliche, and will get you rejected.)

umichgrad
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby umichgrad » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:05 pm

this mcdonalds business is ludicrous.

cavebat2000
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby cavebat2000 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:11 pm

upperscalekitten27 wrote:hi all,

Can somebody please help me with this? How does this sound? Any suggestions?


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who came to visit me from out of state with her family. While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. The reason I drove is that the McDonald’s was serving only on the drive through at time. I got pulled over at a traffic light for crossing the stop line with my front tires of my vehicle. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed over the legal limit alcoholic consumption. I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that let to the arrest was very poor and that incident does not aberration to my normal pattern of behavior or character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please do not take this incident in evaluating my application and feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.




The bolded part is quite lame, just being honest.

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PigNipple
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby PigNipple » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:21 pm

upperscalekitten27 wrote:
Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who came to visit me from out of state with her family. While chatting with my sister at home and drinking wine, I noticed a McDonald’s salad commercial on television and decided to drive to the nearest restaurant which was only two blocks away from my residence. The reason I drove is that the McDonald’s was serving only on the drive through at time. I got pulled over at a traffic light for crossing the stop line with my front tires of my vehicle. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed over the legal limit alcoholic consumption. I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.


This should contrast real nicely with your personal statement.
1) Your excuse for going to McDonald's because of a commercial - breaking off a conversation to go on a drunk impulse run to McDonalds - makes you sound ADD'ish.
2)Who cares if they were only serving drive through, drunk driving is against the law. - ridiculous excuse.
3) Your post sounds like a joke. Really.
Hope this helps, and if you are serious about this post you should really consider revising your explanation

upperscalekitten27
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby upperscalekitten27 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:35 pm

I appreciate your input! Here is my final one! Bring on the critique :)

DUI Addendum

Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence with my older sister who came to visit me from out of state with her family. That night I decided to drive to the nearest by fast food restaurant, which was two block away, and I got pulled over for disobeying the light. I took a breathalyzer test and it showed alcohol consumption over the legal limit. I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that let to the arrest was very poor and that incident is not aberration to my normal pattern of behavior or character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. As a future lawyer, this experience will allow me to relate on a personal level to potential clients. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.

umichgrad
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby umichgrad » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:00 pm

omg grammar/spellcheck.

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Big Shrimpin
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby Big Shrimpin » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:18 pm

.
Last edited by Big Shrimpin on Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PigNipple
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby PigNipple » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:31 pm

It's definitely shaping up. I agree with the above poster, though, make sure to stick with the DUI itself, your sister is not relevant.

upperscalekitten27
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby upperscalekitten27 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:47 pm

Thanks again for your comments. They're very helpful. Please feel free to comment on or edit my grammar as well since English is my third language.

Here is the final revision:


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under the influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence. That night I decided to drive to the nearest by fast food restaurant and I got pulled over for disobeying the traffic light. The breathalyzer test I took showed alcohol consumption over the legal limit and I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that led to the arrest was very poor and that incident is not aberration to my normal pattern of behavior or character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. As a future lawyer, this experience will allow me to relate on a personal level to potential clients. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.

umichgrad
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby umichgrad » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:11 pm

Much better. Corrections below. Also apologies for the snarkiness, I thought English was your first language.

upperscalekitten27 wrote:Thanks again for your comments. They're very helpful. Please feel free to comment on or edit my grammar as well since English is my third language.

Here is the final revision:


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under the influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence. That night I decided to drive to the nearest by fast food restaurant and I got pulled over for disobeying the traffic light. The breathalyzer test [strike]I took[/strike] showed alcohol consumption over the legal limit and I [strike]got[/strike] was arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that led to the arrest was very poor and that incident is [strike]not[/strike] an aberration [strike]to[/strike] of my [strike]normal pattern of behavior or[/strike]character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. As a future lawyer, this experience will allow me to relate on a personal level to potential clients. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.

upperscalekitten27
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby upperscalekitten27 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:27 pm

NP umichgrad! I will take that as a compliment and thank you for editing! :)))

This is what I will submit:


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under the influence in . It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence. That night I decided to drive to the nearest by fast food restaurant and I got pulled over for disobeying the traffic light. The breathalyzer test showed alcohol consumption over the legal limit and I was arrested for driving under the influence that night.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that led to the arrest was very poor and that incident is an aberration of my character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. As a future lawyer, this experience will allow me to relate on a personal level to potential clients. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.

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T14_Scholly
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby T14_Scholly » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:27 pm

With regard to the first paragraph:

upperscalekitten27 wrote:
In 2006 I was arrested for driving under the influence in . [strike]It happened after having a few glasses of wine at my residence. That night I decided to drive to the nearest by fast food restaurant and I got pulled over for disobeying the traffic light. The breathalyzer test I took showed alcohol consumption over the legal limit and I got arrested for driving under the influence that night.[/strike]



They don't need/are not gonna care about those other details.

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sapp
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby sapp » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:44 pm

I agree with all the others about leaving out a lot of the details. They're not needed and to me they gave the image of you saying: I didn't really do that bad of a thing, the man just keeps trying to hold me down with bs rules about tires over the line.

Cut the details and play up the part about how you learned from this mistake a bit more (but don't make it too lengthy).

upperscalekitten27
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby upperscalekitten27 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 1:27 am

Thank you all!! Here is my final revision. Please feel free to comment :)


Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under the influence in . I drove to the nearest by fast food restaurant from my residence and I got pulled over for disobeying the traffic light.

I completed all my educational classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that led to the arrest was very poor and that incident is an aberration of my character. I never had an incident prior or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I regret my mistake, but I have no excuse for it. The results of my mistake were both expensive and embarrassing, and I'm only thankful that I did not hurt anyone. As a future lawyer, this experience will allow me to relate on a personal level to potential clients. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.

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sapp
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Re: DUI ADDENDUM CRITIQUE NEEDED

Postby sapp » Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:10 pm

Dear Law School Admission Committee:

In 2006 I was arrested for driving under the influence while driving from my residence to a nearby restaurant. [strike]in . I drove to the nearest by fast food restaurant from my residence and I got pulled over for disobeying the traffic light.[/strike]

I completed all my driver's education[strike]al[/strike] classes, paid my citations and reinstated my driver’s license successfully after a year of suspension. The decision I made that led to the arrest was very poor and that incident is an aberration of my character. I never had a[strike]n[/strike] similar incident prior to or after that.

While I am not proud of that mistake, I am happy to have learned a valuable lesson. I regret my mistake, but I have no excuse for it. The results of my mistake were both expensive and embarrassing, and I'm only thankful that I did not hurt anyone. As a future lawyer, this experience will allow me to relate on a personal level to potential clients. I hope to bring this lesson and the highest level of moral character to ______ Law School. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns regarding this matter.


I’m far from an essay or grammar expert, but here’s my input:

IMO you still don’t really need the details about it occurring while on your way to a restaurant, but if you want to add it in there omit the “fast food” part and “disobeying the traffic light.” Saying you disobeyed the traffic light makes it sound like you just totally blew it off and ran it.

Second paragraph changes are just style suggestions.

Third paragraph: you have the word mistake 3 times in a very short amount of time and it stood out to me while I was reading. Perhaps alter the way you reference the incident at least once in those three. I suggest: error, misstep, lapse/error in judgment, regretted act/action, etc.

The part that is bolded I really like. However, “The results of my mistake were both expensive and embarrassing, and I’m only thankful that I did not hurt anyone.” Could be put a little more simply.

Some things to think about with this sentence:
1. If you’re going to keep it all as one sentence, put that you’re thankful you didn’t hurt anyone (and perhaps or cause any (serious property) damage?) as the first thing you mention. This is the most important over $ and your pride so it deserves a little extra attention and shouldn’t be added as an additional side note.
2. The double “and” in there is also a little awkward. I would probably make it two sentences (and if you do then you don’t have to worry about putting the hurt anyone part first as much as you would if you kept it all as one sentence).

Just a rough rearrangement I threw together:
The consequences of my actions were both an embarrassment and expensive. However, these burdens were miniscule compared to what could have been. I am thankful that the results of my error did not injure anyone or cause any serious property damage.




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