WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Is this a better personal statement or diversity statement?

Poll ended at Thu Mar 04, 2010 7:35 pm

Personal Statement
2
33%
Diversity Statement
4
67%
 
Total votes: 6

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Waggly Toast
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:08 pm

WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby Waggly Toast » Mon Feb 22, 2010 7:35 pm

I am applying to some tier I schools with a 3.13 and a 160. Please be frank, blatant, and 110% honest in your evaluation of my PS. Thank you in advance for your time, it is greatly appreciated.

Could I use this as a diversity statement? I have another PS and would really like to use this as a DS. Let me know what you think.

The merciless sun spat fire and the intense, unbearable heat devoured everything that lay under the burning summer sky. The thermometer showed a blistering 105° Fahrenheit. I inched across the downtown sidewalk like a spider in thick webbed air. I was no stranger to the county courtroom and it would be my turn to stand before the judge in a few moments. My tardiness would not be appreciated. Dressed in my best suit and tie, and with my already sweat-stained shirt clinging like leeches to my chest, I entered the courthouse and inconspicuously made my way into the courtroom.

Immediately upon entering, my name was called. I wiped my forehead with my sleeve, already soaked from continuous use, and casually approached the bench as if I'd been waiting there for hours. Piercing my soul with his stern glance, I stood motionless as the judge lectured me. His subsequent summon left me speechless. After asking him to repeat himself twice, I felt a sharp, cutting pain run across my chest. What was he thinking? Is that legal? Can I really, as an interpreter, represent someone in a court of law? Apparently I could in his court room. As the defendant and I were escorted out, I knew that whether I was ready or willing, today, I was the defendant’s only hope.

As we proceeded down the narrow hallway into a small, prison-like grayscale room for 30 minutes of deliberation allotted by the judge, I reflected on the many times I had interpreted in hearings, interviews, and depositions. I had also worked as a claims adjuster, interrogating witnesses, engineers, doctors, attorneys, etc. Was this enough? The judge’s hard-nosed reputation of administering austere punishments and steep fines to illegal immigrants was ever-present in the back of my mind. With a DUI and tickets for speeding, not wearing a seatbelt, failure to provide proof of insurance, and driving without a valid license, the defendant pleaded for help. The fate of this man was the same as that of hundreds of similar illegal immigrants for whom I had interpreted, jail time. Jail time would potentially mean the loss of his job and an impending inability to support his wife and children. I felt a moral obligation to do my best to help this man. That end became my singular goal.

After what seemed like mere seconds, a loud, authoritative knock at the door interrupted our conversation, indicating to us that it was time to leave. The windowless, dimly lit hallway back to the courtroom stretched on for miles, casting an eerie, ominous feeling that enveloped me. I suddenly found myself staring into the judge’s eyes. He sat erect, his demeanor obdurate, and his iron face unbending. Raising his glasses, he glared at me intransigently, asking how the defendant pled. What ensued would be one of many notable genesises in my trek to pursue the study of law. After a very invigorating and intense debate, jail time and two of the defendant’s four tickets were dismissed and the judge agreed to allow the defendant to attend Alcoholics Anonymous for the DUI. I felt a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. My goal of helping this man was no longer the wild adventure I had once thought it to be, it had become a reality.

My service to the Hispanic community has inadvertently resulted in my being labeled an advocate of illegal immigrants by my American peers. Consequently, I have been excluded from social clubs, sports teams, businesses, and community organizations. As an entrepreneur, I have been denied contracts and lost clients. I live in Montgomery Alabama, the birthplace of civil rights, however, it is evident that racism, discrimination, and bigotry have not yet been laid to rest. Having to fight for and stand up for what I believe in, sometimes to my own detriment, has only strengthened my desire to serve and help Hispanics and other less fortunate and underrepresented individuals. The criticism, snarls, and prejudices I face are seemingly minute to those faced by those to whom I dedicate my service.

As an attorney practicing [international/private practice/criminal] law, I will be able to help mold a better world by being an impartial, informed, and well-reasoned decision maker. I'm confident that [XYZ School’s] excellent [international/private practice/criminal] law and legal writing programs will allow me to be among the best prepared attorneys in the legal community. My ability to objectively interact with people of different cultures, ages, and viewpoints coupled with my commitment to hard work and public service fit [XYZ School’s] goal of educating ethical students who will strive to make a profound difference in the world. I'm positive that with a distinguished education from [XYZ School], I can make a greater difference.

CMDantes
Posts: 420
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby CMDantes » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:42 pm

I enjoyed reading this. Whatever you decide to submit it as, good work.

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moandersen
Posts: 819
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:31 pm

Re: WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby moandersen » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:49 pm

I just read the first paragraph since thats what will either grab your readers' attention or not, and I found it well-written, but too theatrical. If this was a work of fiction, I think it would be great because of the attention to the minute detail and the descriptive analogies. However, since its a ps/ds, you might want to tone it down a bit. I prefer clean prose. Just my opinion though.

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Waggly Toast
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:08 pm

Re: WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby Waggly Toast » Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:50 pm

Thanks for your input and time.

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holydonkey
Posts: 1184
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 1:40 pm

Re: WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby holydonkey » Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:55 pm

I'd scratch the line -

"What ensued would be one of many notable genesises in my trek to pursue the study of law."

Other than that it was great.

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T14_Scholly
Posts: 416
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 8:46 pm

Re: WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby T14_Scholly » Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:59 pm

Wow, just recently read another PS on this board about a guy from Alabama who helped out Hispanics and got shunned for it...

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Waggly Toast
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:08 pm

Re: WANTED: PS critics, connoisseurs, and sharpshooters

Postby Waggly Toast » Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:05 pm

It's me, same guy.




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