!!!Pls review this PS!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
Ramsai
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:51 am

!!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby Ramsai » Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:02 am

I would be very thankful for your comments! Pls review the next PS....


Without any doubts the best investment is that made into people. I strongly convinced that it is true and this statement should not be proven as it is more than obvious. Of course, such general position does not specify someone’s personality as deeply as it should be thus the further will show my concern.

It is really interesting but from junior classes at secondary school I was always trying to vie superior and it was indicated in everything I did or wanted to do, namely education, personal character, sport activity. Further this inherent behaviour modified in conscious correction of my maturity. Thus, I have entered to the university and started to thrive in the way of becoming the real professional in the field of law. Actually, the character to succeed in everything I was involved continued to erupt and at the time of receiving my bachelor degree in law I was recognized student of my University, hold certain scholarships, among which was the President Fellowship. The thing, however, that influenced me the most and that directed me with my future steps was participation in management of the Student’s Association that opens before me the new world.

Currently I am employed with a leading ... law firm and my the nearest career plans will be definitely connected with legal profession as a counselor finance and corporate law matters.

The future of U... depends on intelligent students that love their homeland. To implement its ...- international ambitions, U... requires young and educated people who after receiving proper experience in the heart of the world will use it in their homeland.

The participation in the program will help me to reach my long term goal – law and economics literacy development from international perspective as through the specific and practically oriented courses of the University of Oxford and the possibilities of scientific researches. Among short term goals are to get practical international practical experience, to establish and discuss different approaches of problems solving related business lawyers practice, to receive more knowledge of corporate and finance law, finance instruments applied worldwide by multinational companies, which I obviously cannot get in my country.

I do expect to participate in this program and derive satisfaction from the knowledge and experience I get and the experience I share.

The best investment is that into a person. Make investments in me and it will surely bring profit. I will yield good results from this study during all my life. I have everything that guarantees successful and fruitful studying-good competence in English language, an incredible wish to study and a fair dream.

User avatar
devilishangelrjp
Posts: 257
Joined: Tue Jan 05, 2010 2:21 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby devilishangelrjp » Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:14 am

Ramsai wrote:I would be very thankful for your comments! Pls review the next PS....


Without any doubts the best investment is that made into people. I strongly convinced that it is true and this statement should not be proven as it is more than obvious. Of course, such general position does not specify someone’s personality as deeply as it should be thus the further will show my concern.

It is really interesting but from junior classes at secondary school I was always trying to vie superior and it was indicated in everything I did or wanted to do, namely education, personal character, sport activity. Further this inherent behaviour modified in conscious correction of my maturity. Thus, I have entered to the university and started to thrive in the way of becoming the real professional in the field of law. Actually, the character to succeed in everything I was involved continued to erupt and at the time of receiving my bachelor degree in law I was recognized student of my University, hold certain scholarships, among which was the President Fellowship. The thing, however, that influenced me the most and that directed me with my future steps was participation in management of the Student’s Association that opens before me the new world.

Currently I am employed with a leading ... law firm and my the nearest career plans will be definitely connected with legal profession as a counselor finance and corporate law matters.

The future of U... depends on intelligent students that love their homeland. To implement its ...- international ambitions, U... requires young and educated people who after receiving proper experience in the heart of the world will use it in their homeland.

The participation in the program will help me to reach my long term goal – law and economics literacy development from international perspective as through the specific and practically oriented courses of the University of Oxford and the possibilities of scientific researches. Among short term goals are to get practical international practical experience, to establish and discuss different approaches of problems solving related business lawyers practice, to receive more knowledge of corporate and finance law, finance instruments applied worldwide by multinational companies, which I obviously cannot get in my country.

I do expect to participate in this program and derive satisfaction from the knowledge and experience I get and the experience I share.

The best investment is that into a person. Make investments in me and it will surely bring profit. I will yield good results from this study during all my life. I have everything that guarantees successful and fruitful studying-good competence in English language, an incredible wish to study and a fair dream.

Assuming this is not a flame (and I'm not sure why you'd be doing this as a flame? I mean, who writes personal statements for fun?)

My personal opinion is that you won't be getting any points with this personal statement...

The first and last paragraph read very preachy, almost commanding, like you KNOW you deserve this, and they would be stupid to reject you. In a way, you want them to feel they would be stupid to reject you, but you want to SHOW it in your personality and your depth of reasoning.

In the body of the statement, you make assertions that you are U...'s model student, but I see very little to back that up, other than again what you TELL the reader. Leave the reader to determine the good quality you see in yourself through your story of yourself. Show how you are intelligent and love your homeland, tell about the proper experience you received at the heart of the world, blah blah blah. Try to lose what I see as a braggart's tone; when you talk about how interesting it is that you were always trying to outdo everyone else, or the bachelor degree in law (?!)... Your grammar and mechanics are not great, and your last statement is kinda laughable because of it.

You've got a lot of work to do on this statement.

User avatar
JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby JustDude » Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:28 pm

Assuming this is not a flame (and I'm not sure why you'd be doing this as a flame? I mean, who writes personal statements for fun?)


It is a flame.


You've got a lot of work to do on this statement.



Pressing "delete" button is not that difficult

User avatar
Ramsai
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:51 am

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby Ramsai » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:11 am

:oops: :oops: :oops:

well...this was the fist (very first) draft, but below is modified version

When I was a child I always enjoyed reading adventure stories, watching action films and dreaming to become a jet pilot. However, after having read John Grisham’s novels at school, analytical and logical activity fascinated me more and from that time I started to think that scientific work is a way to more adventurous experience where intellectual stunts are oftentimes more exiting than navigate a plane. Currently my youth dreams and plans somehow intentionally come true, but I would like to point out that the path and challenge I met stepping toward this.
For me it was not an easy task to choose the only one future educational interest. There were a lot of reasons. Being extremely active during high school years, I tried to be involved in variety of educational, volunteering and sports events. Hence, it brought a success in almost everything I did – won a contest in chemistry, headed a branch of youth organization and became a sportsman of the year. To the contrary the last year was the most productive for me, because I definitely realized the role of law in my life in a life of the whole society and thereby entered to the one leading ... university (the only one in the field of tax and financial law).
As to my universities years, it should be stressed that these years were the best in my life. The main reason is that I open the world to myself from different angles. As a major effect I finally made a decision to pursue the way of international lawyer. Honestly, the role model for me in this case was ..., an outstanding lawyer with abroad education. He is the person who influenced me through his strong leader character and the desire to change people life. In addition, during the time at University I paid a lot of attention scientific work that finally showed me that only hard work would bring the successful results.
Also the tremendous part of university years I spent taking part in extra curricular activity. From the second year of study I became a consultant in the Legal Clinic. It was a time when I started my practice of law and provided free of charge legal advices for people in need. After a while I was nominated as Students’ Director and managed nearly 30 students who were almost the same age as me. The other the other my law related activity was bound with Association. activity in this organization opens me the European side of the education and its importance in future law practice.
Thus, I wish to continue my education abroad by pursuing a muster degree in European and International Law with specialization in Banking and Finance. My decision, actually, was not made by chance but it was a result of deliberate examination. First of all, modern conditions of the legal market show that it is not enough to receive education from domestic school and effectively practice law in advance. Of course, it is possible to get a job in a top company, for instance I was able to become a summer associate at international law firm from ... . To add to that currently I am employed with ... law firm and have learned and practiced all details and nuances of work of international lawyer. But at the same time it is difficult to serve foreign clients without a deep understanding of their needs taking into account that the vast majority of deals and international transactions governed by common law that is opposite to that we have in .... . Secondly, with gained practical experience I strongly disagree with the curriculum that students have at their universities because of its little inapplicability in real life circumstances.
The education in ... University as in one of the most prestigious Universities in the world will help me to reach my long term goal – .... legal practice development as through the activity and the scientific researches. As to my short term goals, the main of them are to get practical multicultural, international experience, to get strong preparation for PhD degree, to find the best methods of common law, US and international law practice; to receive more knowledge of ...., which I obviously cannot get in ... .
In a nutshell, I have already done a lot, but more should be done to get the apex of glory with my goals. Education in ... University is really what I need for further success in practice and science of law.

User avatar
Ramsai
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:51 am

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby Ramsai » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:15 am

Anyway Thank you a lot !!!

JustDude wrote:
Assuming this is not a flame (and I'm not sure why you'd be doing this as a flame? I mean, who writes personal statements for fun?)


It is a flame.


You've got a lot of work to do on this statement.



Pressing "delete" button is not that difficul
devilishangelrjp wrote:
Ramsai wrote:I would be very thankful for your comments! Pls review the next PS....


Without any doubts the best investment is that made into people. I strongly convinced that it is true and this statement should not be proven as it is more than obvious. Of course, such general position does not specify someone’s personality as deeply as it should be thus the further will show my concern.

It is really interesting but from junior classes at secondary school I was always trying to vie superior and it was indicated in everything I did or wanted to do, namely education, personal character, sport activity. Further this inherent behaviour modified in conscious correction of my maturity. Thus, I have entered to the university and started to thrive in the way of becoming the real professional in the field of law. Actually, the character to succeed in everything I was involved continued to erupt and at the time of receiving my bachelor degree in law I was recognized student of my University, hold certain scholarships, among which was the President Fellowship. The thing, however, that influenced me the most and that directed me with my future steps was participation in management of the Student’s Association that opens before me the new world.

Currently I am employed with a leading ... law firm and my the nearest career plans will be definitely connected with legal profession as a counselor finance and corporate law matters.

The future of U... depends on intelligent students that love their homeland. To implement its ...- international ambitions, U... requires young and educated people who after receiving proper experience in the heart of the world will use it in their homeland.

The participation in the program will help me to reach my long term goal – law and economics literacy development from international perspective as through the specific and practically oriented courses of the University of Oxford and the possibilities of scientific researches. Among short term goals are to get practical international practical experience, to establish and discuss different approaches of problems solving related business lawyers practice, to receive more knowledge of corporate and finance law, finance instruments applied worldwide by multinational companies, which I obviously cannot get in my country.

I do expect to participate in this program and derive satisfaction from the knowledge and experience I get and the experience I share.

The best investment is that into a person. Make investments in me and it will surely bring profit. I will yield good results from this study during all my life. I have everything that guarantees successful and fruitful studying-good competence in English language, an incredible wish to study and a fair dream.

Assuming this is not a flame (and I'm not sure why you'd be doing this as a flame? I mean, who writes personal statements for fun?)

My personal opinion is that you won't be getting any points with this personal statement...

The first and last paragraph read very preachy, almost commanding, like you KNOW you deserve this, and they would be stupid to reject you. In a way, you want them to feel they would be stupid to reject you, but you want to SHOW it in your personality and your depth of reasoning.

In the body of the statement, you make assertions that you are U...'s model student, but I see very little to back that up, other than again what you TELL the reader. Leave the reader to determine the good quality you see in yourself through your story of yourself. Show how you are intelligent and love your homeland, tell about the proper experience you received at the heart of the world, blah blah blah. Try to lose what I see as a braggart's tone; when you talk about how interesting it is that you were always trying to outdo everyone else, or the bachelor degree in law (?!)... Your grammar and mechanics are not great, and your last statement is kinda laughable because of it.

You've got a lot of work to do on this statement.
t

narkizopoint
Posts: 200
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:33 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby narkizopoint » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:17 am

A lot of people are really uncomfortable trying to write a PS because they feel they are going into uncharted territory in regards to their writing styles. Both PS's reek of a lack of comfort with the english language. This could be because its a second language for you? If that is the case, please do not try to "sound" smart by using complex sentence structure and weird vocabulary. I would scrap both of these PS's and try to write something super simple and comfortable. Then post that for refinement. It's easier to add stuff to make it better than to take away (and with these two you have to take away a lot.)

User avatar
T14_Scholly
Posts: 416
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 8:46 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby T14_Scholly » Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:33 am

You're going to have a tough time in LS if your English is this bad.

User avatar
RickyRoe
Posts: 137
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 5:53 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby RickyRoe » Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:59 am

Ramsai wrote:When I was a child I always enjoyed reading adventure stories, watching action films and dreaming to become a jet pilot. However, after having read John Grisham’s novels at school, analytical and logical activity fascinated me more and from that time I started to think that scientific work is a way to more adventurous experience where intellectual stunts are oftentimes more exiting than navigate a plane..


You should also add in that your favorite TV show was The Practice and your favorite movie was My Cousin Vinny.

Also, what school assigns John Grisham?

User avatar
Zapatero
Posts: 517
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby Zapatero » Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:04 am

:shock:

User avatar
Ramsai
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:51 am

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby Ramsai » Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:57 am

Ok...I am happy with your objective comments...start writing once again :)

User avatar
PigNipple
Posts: 77
Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:57 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby PigNipple » Fri Feb 26, 2010 6:53 am

Ramsai wrote:The best investment is that into a person. Make investments in me and it will surely bring profit. I will yield good results from this study during all my life. I have everything that guarantees successful and fruitful studying-good competence in English language, an incredible wish to study and a fair dream.


This has got to be a joke, a very time consuming one for the OP, but a joke.

User avatar
JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: !!!Pls review this PS!!!

Postby JustDude » Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:33 am

PigNipple wrote:
Ramsai wrote:The best investment is that into a person. Make investments in me and it will surely bring profit. I will yield good results from this study during all my life. I have everything that guarantees successful and fruitful studying-good competence in English language, an incredible wish to study and a fair dream.


This has got to be a joke, a very time consuming one for the OP, but a joke.


Flame but good one. As I read him I think I can hear an indoan accent HHhahahahahaa




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.