PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ugobabe86
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PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby ugobabe86 » Sat Feb 20, 2010 9:16 pm

:mrgreen:
Last edited by ugobabe86 on Tue Feb 23, 2010 6:20 am, edited 2 times in total.

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T14_Scholly
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby T14_Scholly » Sun Feb 21, 2010 2:40 am

You attempt to say too much in individual sentences. And in the essay as a whole, probably. The sentences also don't flow logically from one to the next. They can be disjointed and again, say too much.

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ugobabe86
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby ugobabe86 » Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:24 am

THANKS! MORE OPINIONS

cylusr
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby cylusr » Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:35 am

PROOF READ. I don't mean to be rude but is english your first language? If not you shoud find someone who native english speaker to help you.

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EdmundBurke23
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby EdmundBurke23 » Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:38 am

cylusr wrote:PROOF READ. I don't mean to be rude but is english your first language? If not you shoud find someone who native english speaker to help you.


He has a valid point. The verbal embellishments that you've included here and there are surrounded by some awkward sentences. Your writing style needs to be shifted a bit. Try your best to mix in a combination of short sentences and long ones...

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EdmundBurke23
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby EdmundBurke23 » Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:38 am

T14_Scholly wrote:You attempt to say too much in individual sentences. And in the essay as a whole, probably. The sentences also don't flow logically from one to the next. They can be disjointed and again, say too much.


TITCR

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Zapatero
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby Zapatero » Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:39 am

ugobabe86 wrote:Growing up, I spent time within prison walls amidst the flourishing trees and dirt road lined by verdant weeds, an image of the ideal African scenery. My time in the prison involved getting my hair braided by the female prisoners, but always with an armed guard present. Occasionally, an unconscious prisoner on the ground with nothing but white short? White shorts or a white shirt? and one sandaled foot strange would be in the way In the way of what? I'm not sure what this sentence really says . My mother’s work as a nurse brought her to the prison system with its vibrancy in Nigeria This is confusing. What is the vibrancy of the prison system? . The tranquility of the internal walls of the prison played against the violence that would often envelop the country [strike]often[/strike]. The cusps of chaos seemed to hold the country together almost as a certainty of daily life I'm not sure what that means exactly. I think I know what you're trying to convey, but there's something off about the structure. I didn’t have much control over the social conflicts that involved conflicts reword this. surrounding ethnic or religious differences. The tensions that surrounded my world with threats of kidnapping and[strike]/or[/strike] murder my parents decided What is the subject of this sentence supposed to be? to return to the United States.


I've only skimmed the rest, and there are some things that I really like about this, but you have a lot of problems with the structure of your sentences. It's getting late, so I'm going to leave this for tonight, but I'll look at it again tomorrow.

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ugobabe86
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby ugobabe86 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:53 am

Ok I need some guidance here! I'm blanking out on how to proceed...it really weighing on me right now....opinions on what my direction should be now?

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JustDude
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby JustDude » Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:55 am

ugobabe86 wrote:Ok I need some guidance here! I'm blanking out on how to proceed...it really weighing on me right now....opinions on what my direction should be now?


To the grammar book

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Zapatero
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby Zapatero » Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:06 am

JustDude wrote:
ugobabe86 wrote:Ok I need some guidance here! I'm blanking out on how to proceed...it really weighing on me right now....opinions on what my direction should be now?


To the grammar book


It's really beyond grammar. For example:

I made traits to make my position clear to the parents that cooperation in the wellbeing of the children should the goal that we work towards.


I don't even know what this means. Is English your first language? If you're still in UG, you should take this to your school's writing center. The amount of work that this needs is beyond the help that you'll receive here.

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ugobabe86
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby ugobabe86 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:10 am

ccs1702 wrote:
JustDude wrote:
ugobabe86 wrote:Ok I need some guidance here! I'm blanking out on how to proceed...it really weighing on me right now....opinions on what my direction should be now?


To the grammar book


It's really beyond grammar. For example:

I made traits to make my position clear to the parents that cooperation in the wellbeing of the children should the goal that we work towards.


I don't even know what this means. Is English your first language? If you're still in UG, you should take this to your school's writing center. The amount of work that this needs is beyond the help that you'll receive here.


I made traits[straits] that's what I meant to say there... to make my position clear to the parents that cooperation in the wellbeing of the children should the goal that we work towards

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bees
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby bees » Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:14 am

On the plus side, this was very fun to read. I get bored about half way through most personal statements I read (including mine), but you had me intrigued all the way through. You kept me hoping for a coherent sentence the whole time, but one never came. You win.

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Zapatero
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby Zapatero » Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:17 am

ugobabe86 wrote:
ccs1702 wrote:
JustDude wrote:
ugobabe86 wrote:Ok I need some guidance here! I'm blanking out on how to proceed...it really weighing on me right now....opinions on what my direction should be now?


To the grammar book


It's really beyond grammar. For example:

I made traits to make my position clear to the parents that cooperation in the wellbeing of the children should the goal that we work towards.


I don't even know what this means. Is English your first language? If you're still in UG, you should take this to your school's writing center. The amount of work that this needs is beyond the help that you'll receive here.


I made traits[straits] that's what I meant to say there... to make my position clear to the parents that cooperation in the wellbeing of the children should the goal that we work towards


To be quite honest, I don't know what it means to "make straits." You made narrow waterways to make your position clear? You dug an isthmus in order to reach the parents to communicate with them?

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JustDude
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Re: PS: OPINIONS PLEASE

Postby JustDude » Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:34 am

ccs1702 wrote:
To be quite honest, I don't know what it means to "make straits." You made narrow waterways to make your position clear? You dug an isthmus in order to reach the parents to communicate with them?


Pretty good materila right there. I actually liked it :lol: :P :idea:




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