another try! PS

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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

another try! PS

Postby ugobabe86 » Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:54 pm

There seems to be a cusp of chaos around me, some palpable sense of uncertainty, this has always been the way things worked in Nigeria. Growing up I usually spent time with my mother at work in the prison system which is vibrant in Nigeria, I remember getting my hair braid by the female prisoners who would usually go in for the cheeks whenever myself or my brother would come visit although there was an armed guard with us. I always found this aspect of my life interesting because children aren’t usually allowed into the inner workings of the prison life. Especially one as chaotic and uneasy as an African prison but this is one of my fondest memories with the occasional unconscious prisoner on the ground in nothing but his white shorts and one sandal on his feet. Discussing this now with my mom often leads to the phrase “well…I wanted you to see where I worked, and you had a good time” which is true. Coming from a country that has always been on the cusp of violence and has often erupted into such violence, much of my childhood was filled with bodies on the road either left as remains of a fight or neck laced man from the night before with smoke still rising in the morning dew.

I’ve incorporated my upbringing into who I am as a person, I’ve never taken for granted the reasons my parents decided to come back to the united states, because of the dangers of having several children kidnapped by mafia-style groups. The awareness of those events and the cause and effect of political instability and social strife led to my interest in learning more about the community around me. In the course of my education I came to the decision to take a degree in international studies, taking up the degree required my own assessment about the shape of my childhood home and the ways the individuals within have contributed to their well-being. Political history was my passion and I did well in the courses I undertook, in no way was law school in my sights but rather I wanted to join the foreign service because I felt that I could bring in a different perspective in the way people interact with each other in the political sense.

After graduating in 2008 I applied to become a volunteer in the county I lived with the local chapter of CASA becoming part a team of volunteers that would represent neglected and/or abused child in the court in which they had no representative. In some ways becoming a guardian was a way for me to reconcile some of the events that had been left behind me in Nigeria. Working on the first case gave me an insight into the inner workings of the legal system in the contest of family law; I became a detective investigating the complaints by the department of social services. Alongside the social worker, I took the time to look for services for the children I was representing, at the same time evaluating the behavior of the parents. In this regard working with social services and the court I’ve seen how working within a system can accomplish a goal of a safe and secure environment for children.

[Mind this is just a first draft any opinions would be welcomed.]

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BruceBarr
Posts: 279
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:26 pm

Re: another try! PS

Postby BruceBarr » Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:58 pm

Lose the first sentence.

It's way to dramatic.

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Anastasia Dee Dualla
Posts: 1165
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:03 am

Re: another try! PS

Postby Anastasia Dee Dualla » Thu Feb 18, 2010 9:06 pm

ugobabe86 wrote:There seems to be a cusp of chaos around me, some palpable sense of uncertainty, this has always been the way things worked in Nigeria. (I think this sentence is incomplete; or just not a very good way to start out your PS. Rework it a bit so its clearer. The last thing you want to do is to start out with a bad sentence.) Growing up I usually (remove usually) spent time with my mother at work in the prison system which is vibrant in Nigeria, I remember getting my hair braided by the female prisoners who would usually go in for the cheeks whenever myself or my brother would come visit although there was an armed guard with us. (This sentence is too long. Try to split it into two and maybe not so much detail. You are using words that aren't even about you here) I always found this aspect of my life interesting because children aren’t usually allowed into the inner workings of the prison life. Especially one as chaotic and uneasy as an African prison but this is one of my fondest memories with the occasional unconscious prisoner on the ground in nothing but his white shorts and one sandal on his feet. Discussing this now with my mom often leads to the phrase “well…I wanted you to see where I worked, and you had a good time” which is true. Coming from a country that has always been on the cusp of violence and has often erupted into such violence, much of my childhood was filled with bodies on the road either left as remains of a fight or neck laced man from the night before with smoke still rising in the morning dew. (There is absolutely no cohesiveness in this first paragraph...what are you trying to say here? Pick the subject at hand and stick with it. Is it the chaos in nigeria? Is it the memory, the feel of the prison walls? Is it your relationship with your mother? Or is the violent tension that permeated your childhood?)

I’ve incorporated my upbringing into who I am as a person (how?), I’ve never taken for granted the reasons my parents decided to come back to the united states, because of the dangers of having several children kidnapped( by mafia-style groups : remove this). (A comma does not serve as a way to separate two clauses...these are two separate sentences. Use a period...) The awareness of those events (which events? Why your parent's moved to the US? Clarify) and the cause and effect of political instability and social strife led to my interest in learning more about the community around me. (How?) In [This should read over or during] the course of my education I came to the decision (decided) to take a degree in international studies, taking up the degree required my own assessment about the shape of my childhood home and the ways the individuals within have contributed to their well-being. (once again, a comma is not a period...there should be a comma after studies) Political history was my passion and I did well in the courses I undertook, in no way was law school in my sights but rather I wanted to join the foreign service because I felt that I could bring in a different perspective in the way people interact with each other in the political sense.

(I stopped editing here because you really need to sit down and evaluate punctuation, sentence structure, and what you want your essay to say...its not clear, nor is it concise. I am certain that you have a moving story and you need to make the most of that.)

After graduating in 2008 I applied to become a volunteer in the county I lived with the local chapter of CASA becoming part a team of volunteers that would represent neglected and/or abused child in the court in which they had no representative. In some ways becoming a guardian was a way for me to reconcile some of the events that had been left behind me in Nigeria. Working on the first case gave me an insight into the inner workings of the legal system in the contest of family law; I became a detective investigating the complaints by the department of social services. Alongside the social worker, I took the time to look for services for the children I was representing, at the same time evaluating the behavior of the parents. In this regard working with social services and the court I’ve seen how working within a system can accomplish a goal of a safe and secure environment for children.

[Mind this is just a first draft any opinions would be welcomed.]

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BruceBarr
Posts: 279
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:26 pm

Re: another try! PS

Postby BruceBarr » Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:29 pm

Anastasia Dee Dualla wrote:
ugobabe86 wrote:There seems to be a cusp of chaos around me, some palpable sense of uncertainty, this has always been the way things worked in Nigeria. (I think this sentence is incomplete; or just not a very good way to start out your PS. Rework it a bit so its clearer. The last thing you want to do is to start out with a bad sentence.) Growing up I usually (remove usually) spent time with my mother at work in the prison system which is vibrant in Nigeria, I remember getting my hair braided by the female prisoners who would usually go in for the cheeks whenever myself or my brother would come visit although there was an armed guard with us. (This sentence is too long. Try to split it into two and maybe not so much detail. You are using words that aren't even about you here) I always found this aspect of my life interesting because children aren’t usually allowed into the inner workings of the prison life. Especially one as chaotic and uneasy as an African prison but this is one of my fondest memories with the occasional unconscious prisoner on the ground in nothing but his white shorts and one sandal on his feet. Discussing this now with my mom often leads to the phrase “well…I wanted you to see where I worked, and you had a good time” which is true. Coming from a country that has always been on the cusp of violence and has often erupted into such violence, much of my childhood was filled with bodies on the road either left as remains of a fight or neck laced man from the night before with smoke still rising in the morning dew. (There is absolutely no cohesiveness in this first paragraph...what are you trying to say here? Pick the subject at hand and stick with it. Is it the chaos in nigeria? Is it the memory, the feel of the prison walls? Is it your relationship with your mother? Or is the violent tension that permeated your childhood?)

I’ve incorporated my upbringing into who I am as a person (how?), I’ve never taken for granted the reasons my parents decided to come back to the united states, because of the dangers of having several children kidnapped( by mafia-style groups : remove this). (A comma does not serve as a way to separate two clauses...these are two separate sentences. Use a period...) The awareness of those events (which events? Why your parent's moved to the US? Clarify) and the cause and effect of political instability and social strife led to my interest in learning more about the community around me. (How?) In [This should read over or during] the course of my education I came to the decision (decided) to take a degree in international studies, taking up the degree required my own assessment about the shape of my childhood home and the ways the individuals within have contributed to their well-being. (once again, a comma is not a period...there should be a comma after studies) Political history was my passion and I did well in the courses I undertook, in no way was law school in my sights but rather I wanted to join the foreign service because I felt that I could bring in a different perspective in the way people interact with each other in the political sense.

(I stopped editing here because you really need to sit down and evaluate punctuation, sentence structure, and what you want your essay to say...its not clear, nor is it concise. I am certain that you have a moving story and you need to make the most of that.)

After graduating in 2008 I applied to become a volunteer in the county I lived with the local chapter of CASA becoming part a team of volunteers that would represent neglected and/or abused child in the court in which they had no representative. In some ways becoming a guardian was a way for me to reconcile some of the events that had been left behind me in Nigeria. Working on the first case gave me an insight into the inner workings of the legal system in the contest of family law; I became a detective investigating the complaints by the department of social services. Alongside the social worker, I took the time to look for services for the children I was representing, at the same time evaluating the behavior of the parents. In this regard working with social services and the court I’ve seen how working within a system can accomplish a goal of a safe and secure environment for children.

[Mind this is just a first draft any opinions would be welcomed.]




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