can i get some critiques on this

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tsbotros
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:07 pm

can i get some critiques on this

Postby tsbotros » Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:11 pm

ss
Last edited by tsbotros on Fri May 14, 2010 2:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Billy Blanks
Posts: 107
Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 3:08 pm

Re: can i get some critiques on this

Postby Billy Blanks » Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:32 pm

Cut the last paragraph. Everything after "In being humbled..." needs to go.

Also, watch your tenses.
After my horrid start at Wisconsin things started to slowly change for the better. I started fighting for my life again and building back the self-esteem I so greatly needed. I was finally starting to make friends again. I was getting into a groove academically. I was finding myself. I had a new compassion and understanding in people and it was time to start being positive and loving life again.

This sounds good.

In contrast: [quote]This question has a few answers. At first, not so well. With this newfound depression comes my first year at the University of Wisconsin. I do not feel the same. The happiness and enthusiasm in my life have literally been zapped away.[quote]
Why is this in the present tense? Also, the reference to the question in the last paragraph gets lost by the second sentence and I had to read this over a few times to figure out whether the answers were going "not so well" or whether it was that your handling of the situation was going poorly. And I'm not sure you want to say that anything had been "literally zapped away." I'm not sure what it would be for something to be literally zapped (a verb that I associate with lasers and the dictionary treats as 1) force/striking, 2) killing, 3) nuking, or some other active event, none of which fit the mood here). Perhaps your happiness and enthusiasm were bled from you. Maybe they were dissapated by continuous betrayal.

A good first effort, though.

tsbotros
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:07 pm

Re: can i get some critiques on this

Postby tsbotros » Thu Feb 18, 2010 5:39 pm

Thanks. I didn't feel that great about the last paragraph either. Do you feel the topic is good for a personal statement? And do you have any recommendations for a concluding paragraph.




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