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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
clavell45
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:23 pm

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Postby clavell45 » Mon Feb 15, 2010 12:08 am

draft2
Last edited by clavell45 on Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:37 am, edited 2 times in total.

clavell45
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 6:23 pm

re

Postby clavell45 » Tue Feb 16, 2010 1:02 pm

,,
Last edited by clavell45 on Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

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autarkh
Posts: 314
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:05 pm

Re: PS Critique: Second Draft based on your input! Help!

Postby autarkh » Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:40 pm

A couple of things:

1. Even if it's true, being on the last plane to land, the last bus, and the last train strains credulity. You do a decent job of situating the reader in your narrative, but ultimately, there's no payoff. Why, exactly, were you so sure you were meant to be in Bath? (especially when you contradict this certainty in the next paragraph by saying that you could not have known it would be the starting point for your transformative journey)

2. Use stronger more direct language when possible. For instance, change: "to work toward helping to resolve these" --> "to work toward resolving these" or "to work for the resolution of these"

3. As a whole, it reads a bit generic. Sure, you've been exposed to all these great experiences, but you haven't interpreted and reflected on them for the reader. I don't get a sense of how they've changed you besides making your worldview less insular.

4. I'm not a big fan of saying "X experience demonstrates/has given me Y quality". Take, for example, your statement that you are an effective written communicator. Let your essay show that. Stating it explicitly detracts from the power of your argument.

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Zapatero
Posts: 517
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm

Re: PS Critique: Second Draft based on your input! Help!

Postby Zapatero » Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:48 pm

Standing there, amidst that great mass of humanity, I came to the realization that law school would give me the tools I needed to work toward helping to resolve these great issues.


Please. I'm sure that as you stood there watching cars being overturned and chairs thrown through windows, the first thing that came to your mind was, Hey, I should probably go to law school.

This is a typical study abroad PS, complete with all the clichés that make them so unbearable to read. Replace "London" with any other major European city, and change the cab driver's origin, and this essay could have been written by anyone.




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