Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! REVISED!(pt3)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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soaponarope
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Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! REVISED!(pt3)

Postby soaponarope » Sun Feb 14, 2010 6:47 pm

Hey guys/gals.... I wrote a personal statement a few weeks ago with this same title. I had to scrap the whole thing because it might of been the worst ever :( Special thanks to YEFF for helping me out with all the info/links.

Anyway, I'm submitting all my apps in 2 days and was wondering if any of you miraculous folk could help me out with a little feedback :P This is the very first draft so there will be some grammatical errors. I'm more concerned with the flow, subject, and relevance, pertinent to the adcoms. (And I know I have to work on the ending some....)Thanks so much!


Personal Statement
My family has always been an exciting bunch. Exhilarating, and individually unique, we still share many common traits. One characteristic that my family, more so my siblings, certainly share is finding our craft late in life. My brother struggled to find his passion during the first years of college. He took several years off contemplating what to do with his life only later to attend law school and become a practicing attorney in New York. My sister had a similar experience in her studies until she was in her late twenties when she became a nurse. In my early twenties I found that I was in the same boat that my siblings were in, that is, until I left home to attend Florida State University.

When I first arrived in Tallahassee I was alone, friendless, and jobless. I was out of my element. It was a time in my life where I was maturing into a young man and started to act like one. Was I scared? Absolutely! I was going to pay for college, rent, food, and utilities, all of it, on my own. At the age of twenty two I did not want to burden my family with my wants and needs. They had their dreams too. Nonetheless, the responsibilities of “real world” life came fast. My first task was obtaining residency in the state of Florida. I had to obtain a job, file a declaration of domicile, and register to vote, amongst a myriad of other things. This was significant because for the first time in my life I was leading myself. I no longer had someone to push me to get it done, besides my own sense of urgency. I learned the value of leading a pro-active life, rather than a reactive one. I was about to enroll at Florida State, in my twenties, and trying to discover what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. (I know this paragraph needs some work)

During my undergrad at FSU I made it a point to take classes that dealt with conflict or injustice, especially dealing with minorities. I have always been fascinated by the difference in demographic norms. I was interested in how our society perceives themselves, and more importantly the function of our legislative system. I wanted to know why certain laws were created. I wanted to know why there was a Woman’s Suffrage Movement, a Civil Rights Act, and what laws influenced gender roles in our society. The more I learned about these conflicts our society incorporates the more I was inspired to pursue a career in law. My undergrad inspired me to fight for those who did not have a fair shake in life. To get a better perspective on the aforementioned I wanted to experience them on the front line.

I began to volunteer at the Tallahassee Homeless Shelter. It was a humbling experience. My job was physically easy, however, the mental assessment that I took from my short time there was invaluable. The time spent at the homeless shelter gave me an insight into the lives of the less fortunate. I got to see how certain laws affect certain demographics of society. If you were in a park dressed in ragged clothes, you were loitering; meanwhile, if you had a nice sweater on you were enjoying the park. Moreover, the people that worked alongside me were often court ordered. The stories, and caveats, of their actions only furthered my keenness to pursue a career in law. One example is from a young black man named Carl. Carl came from a single home and was involved in drugs. He got arrested for distribution of a controlled substance. The first day I worked with him I could sense that deep down he was a good person who was on the wrong path. Carl complained about the difficulty in obtaining a legal job, even when he had a clean record, so he resorted to selling drugs. Unfortunately, I have seen some of my previous employers disregard a person’s application based on race. I felt for the young man. I knew what he did was wrong, but I felt he was a good person who deserved a second chance. I wanted to help him. I remember wishing I had the resources and the knowledge to counsel him on his rights. I thought perhaps I could have done a better job than his public defender. I never found out if Carl turned his life around, but I do know stories like his helped me erase any doubts I had about pursuing a career in law.

My journey through undergrad has certainly had tumultuous moments, but the life lessons I learned are priceless. I learned to be composed in the face of adversity, the importance to get a strong start in my endeavors, lead a balanced life, and to finish what I start. My siblings and I may have all started off slow, but we all finished strong. I look forward to continuing my strong finish in the field of law, helping others, and making a difference.


ps... ending is a work in progress!
Last edited by soaponarope on Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:28 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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bees
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby bees » Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:59 pm

You start the first two sentences with "My family" and then use "my family" in the third sentence as well.

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soaponarope
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby soaponarope » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:04 pm

bees wrote:You start the first two sentences with "My family" and then use "my family" in the third sentence as well.


Yea... there are some grammatical issues with the ps statement that I will certainly clean up! Tis my first draft... thank you for the observation.

Anyway, I'm concerned more so with ps statement as a whole, i.e. is it what the adcoms want from the applicants? Is it boring, does it read well, any insights for improvement/topics that I should leave out, or maybe add in?

Any feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanx for taking the time to read my statement :P

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Threepeat
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby Threepeat » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:34 pm

I never comment on personal statements so take my advice with a grain of salt....but I personally don't think the topic (you getting almost screwed by an auto repair shop) works. I don't think it flows very well either. You talk about your family, then how you felt when you first went off to college, then how you have a car, then that you realized you were getting screwed by an auto shop, and now want to fight injustice. The organization didn't make sense to me.

I don't know, I didn't really care for the topic. I guess as I read it I didn't believe that this moment led you to be a fighter for justice. Personally, I think there is probably a story to be told about you working with homeless that would give a better picture as to who you are as a person and would be more believable. I just don't see this working as an effective PS. Just my opinion though.

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kittenmittons
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby kittenmittons » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:36 pm

-1 for imperturbable use. This screams "I used Roget's."

hth

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TTTennis
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby TTTennis » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:37 pm

Threepeat wrote:I never comment on personal statements so take my advice with a grain of salt....but I personally don't think the topic (you getting almost screwed by an auto repair shop) works. I don't think it flows very well either. You talk about your family, then how you felt when you first went off to college, then how you have a car, then that you realized you were getting screwed by an auto shop, and now want to fight injustice. The organization didn't make sense to me.

I don't know, I didn't really care for the topic. I guess as I read it I didn't believe that this moment led you to be a fighter for justice. Personally, I think there is probably a story to be told about you working with homeless that would give a better picture as to who you are as a person and would be more believable. I just don't see this working as an effective PS. Just my opinion though.


+1

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phoenix323
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby phoenix323 » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:40 pm

I won't mention the grammatical errors because I am sure you'll proofread thoroughly before submission. That being said, I notced that you began and ended with with late-bloomer sibling motif and I am not sure if it is compelling enough to serve as the backbone for your personal statement. I think the key to writing a great personal statement is to make sure that you stand out as a unique individual. Your personal statement should be something that could not be written by anyone else. The story about your family having a group of siblings who find their calling later in life is not that unique. I would focus more on your work at the homeless shelter. What were the stories they told you? Why did they affect you so deeply? Why did you choose classes focusing on minority injustices? These are all interesting things that you hint at in your PS.

All that being said, I defintely do not think this is anywhere close to being the worst personal statement ever. I actually liked a lot of what you wrote. I liked the realxed writing style (although in some places I feel it could be more formal). Definitely tighten up the introductory paragraph. Try and create a catchier and more unique opening line. But I think you are off to a good start. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like someone to look over a future draft.

Good luck on your cycle! :)
Last edited by phoenix323 on Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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soaponarope
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby soaponarope » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:43 pm

Threepeat wrote:I never comment on personal statements so take my advice with a grain of salt....but I personally don't think the topic (you getting almost screwed by an auto repair shop) works. I don't think it flows very well either. You talk about your family, then how you felt when you first went off to college, then how you have a car, then that you realized you were getting screwed by an auto shop, and now want to fight injustice. The organization didn't make sense to me.

I don't know, I didn't really care for the topic. I guess as I read it I didn't believe that this moment led you to be a fighter for justice. Personally, I think there is probably a story to be told about you working with homeless that would give a better picture as to who you are as a person and would be more believable. I just don't see this working as an effective PS. Just my opinion though.



Thanx for your input...

My ps statement is saying (at least what I'm trying to write) is about my personal growth and how it led me to pursue a career in law. I tried to illustrate that ideal through my journey in life, i.e. moving away from home, dealing with real world problems (the car example), my undergrad inspiring me to work at a homeless shelter, etc...

I don't know if you just skimmed through it, because I just didn't talk about a car, and college. I described the reasons why those events where important to my development, and why they led to me to pursue a career in law.

I'm not belittling your opinion in anyway, just a little confused. Thank You for your response though...
Last edited by soaponarope on Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Spaceman Spiff
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby Spaceman Spiff » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:47 pm

soaponarope wrote:I noticed there was transmission fluid leaking so I took it to a shop.

Just two years prior a new transmission was installed in my car!


There is no reason for either of these sentences to appear in a PS.

Threepeat wrote:I never comment on personal statements so take my advice with a grain of salt....but I personally don't think the topic (you getting almost screwed by an auto repair shop) works. I don't think it flows very well either. You talk about your family, then how you felt when you first went off to college, then how you have a car, then that you realized you were getting screwed by an auto shop, and now want to fight injustice. The organization didn't make sense to me.

I don't know, I didn't really care for the topic. I guess as I read it I didn't believe that this moment led you to be a fighter for justice. Personally, I think there is probably a story to be told about you working with homeless that would give a better picture as to who you are as a person and would be more believable. I just don't see this working as an effective PS. Just my opinion though.


+1

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UF Gators
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! (pt2)

Postby UF Gators » Sun Feb 14, 2010 9:06 pm

Being ripped off by a mechanic is nothing new, I think you should get rid of the entire second paragraph. This PS makes you sound immature and I don't think it will be effective. I agree with the others, focus on your experience at the shelter.

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soaponarope
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Re: Worst personal statement ever!!!!!!! REVISED!(pt3)

Postby soaponarope » Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:28 pm

k... I took out the car shtuff. Is this more suitable? TIA!




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