TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
KarlZ06
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:27 am

TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby KarlZ06 » Sat Feb 13, 2010 5:27 pm

I don't really smoke crack... :shock:

Just smell it on occasion. :lol:

Below is the first draft of my personal statement. I understand I am a little late in the cycle. I had no intentions of applying to law school, but was recently laid-off from NASA. Any feedback is appreciated. It's quite long and I plan to trim some of the fat. Thanks again.

Be harsh!

I like it rough!


Great comments! Just what I needed to hear. I had to delete it before it got to ugly. I'll have to agree with the final verdict. Scrapped.

Coming up:
Draft 2.
Last edited by KarlZ06 on Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

KarlZ06
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:27 am

Re: TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby KarlZ06 » Sun Feb 14, 2010 4:24 pm

Anyone there...? :?:

Feedback would be huge.

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jonas586
Posts: 90
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 1:21 am

Re: TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby jonas586 » Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:10 pm

I'll give you a few points of criticism. First, it seems a bit long. I'm not positive about this, but I'm pretty sure that most schools ask for statements no greater than two pages, double spaced, and yours seems quite a bit longer. Then again, maybe I just thought it was really long because I get extremely bored after reading more than one sentence about someone else's grandma.

This brings me to my next point: lay off the grandma love a little. I feel like I know more about your two grandmas after reading your personal statement than I know about you. This only leads me to believe that you must be an extremely boring person if the most compelling thing you can write about is how your grandmas campaign slogan was "The Buck Stops Here". In fact, the only information you share about yourself seems to be a reiteration of credentials most likely found within your resume.

Finally, and feel free to take this with a grain of salt, but I don't necessarily think a personal statement is the best place to bring up your belief in god. I'm not saying such a belief is bad in any way, but it does seem like one of those risky sentences that doesn't really add to your statement, and would be really easy to take out (especially considering how long your ps is anyway).

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kittenmittons
Posts: 1453
Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2009 1:24 pm

Re: TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby kittenmittons » Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:32 pm

Definitely too long. Paragraph 6 seems like masturbation

earthlawyer
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2009 6:07 pm

Re: TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby earthlawyer » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:15 pm

First, most schools I looked into limit to three pages, not two. So check the directions on the website. Two is better, obviously. The ballpark number I've always heard is never more than 1200 hundred words.

Second, if you worked for NASA - I would think that law schools want to know why law school NOW? (don't say laid off -it sounds like you had nothing else to do and were like, okay, law school!).

It's fine to talk about someone who impacted you, but talking about both your grandmothers makes this essay needlessly long. Maybe just choose one, and move on.

And your whole sixth paragraph is a list. Literally, you listed off things like bullet points. This should be on a resume.

Finally, do you realize that the most important thing about a PS is NOT "why I want to be a lawyer?" -it's about showing that you can write. You should make a point, effectively, succinctly, and have correct spelling and grammar. I haven't checked spelling and grammar. But I don't really think you're effective in making any kind of point here. A lot of it comes off as cliche. ESPECIALLY: "I believe life is precious. I understand God has a plan for all of us. I know and have proven that I can push myself through difficult challenges. I have a positive outlook and a determination to succeed. Law school is the logical progression for my life; it will be built upon the foundation of my past and it will propel me into a future of service and value."


Personally, I don't understand why law school is the next logical step. Why not become a Teacher? A social worker? A missionary? These all seem more in line with God than being a lawyer does.

Just saying.

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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby JustDude » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:15 pm

Ok so first four paragraphs and a quote line (fifth-?) you spent on discussing your grandma. Its kinda weird, you started with both of them and then focused only on one. What she did in her life was incredibly irrelevant and giving quotes about her and mayor wa extremely cheesy.

The in paragrah 6 "Or should I call it paragraph "I") you basicaly presented a summary of your resume. Its painfully boring to read. I think I felt physical pain.

Then you switched to your second grandma. Yes she got cancer and that is unfortunate. I feel her pain (However it could be a leftover pain from reading paragraph "I"). How is it connected o you is not clear. Not clear at all.

And then you spent whopping 3 paragraphs on cliche excuses for why law school. Cliches are inevitable, but need to be kept within one paragraph.

Verdict: Scrap it.

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TTTennis
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2009 1:12 pm

Re: TLS is like crack. I need to lay off the pipe. PS! HELP!!

Postby TTTennis » Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:27 pm

JustDude wrote:
Verdict: Scrap it.


Sorry, I have to agree.




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