first draft PS, missing some major elements, help!

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getmeouttahere
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:49 pm

first draft PS, missing some major elements, help!

Postby getmeouttahere » Fri Feb 12, 2010 2:10 pm

Coming from a broken home with a mother who constantly reminded me to keep my goals realistic coupled with my father’s vision of me being nothing short from the next female President of United States, it was hard for me to place a value on my accomplishments. If I had achieved something substantial, for one parent it was remarkable that I even attempted the task and for the other it barely met his standards of acceptable. This scenario was often difficult to juggle, but the balance between the two left me with one constant thought to never settle for anything less than what I am capable of achieving.

Growing up as a talented athlete, my coaches always pushed me to set goals, short term goals, long term goals, practice goals, ego goals, lots of goals. As an awkward fifteen year old girl sitting in a circle with other teammates I announced that my long term goal was to earn a full athletic scholarship to a division one university. I received some raised eyebrows as I was a talented xxxxxxx, but certainly not the best in high school. However, as my senior year rolled around I was offered four scholarships. Two of which were full rides to play at either XX or YY. Everyone in my family wanted me to go to YY, and while YY is a fine academic institution, I did not want to settle and attend a university that was the norm for Y high school graduates. I wanted something bigger, something different where I could challenge myself academically, athletically, and also test my independent spirit in a large urban city 600 miles from home.

I choose XX because not only was I offered a full scholarship, but it was the best academic institution that I was accepted to, and accordingly I was challenged at XX in every aspect. I knew I was entering an academic setting where my high school statistics placed me below the average XX freshman, but I did not let statistics stand in my way. I used every resource to my advantage freshman year in order to achieve the grades I knew I was capable of receiving.

Life at the feild did not come as easily as I had expected either. I struggled to find my place on a team that had a less than perfect work ethic. I was the immediately threatening, talented, chipper, and hard working freshman they all feared would take their spot. My first year wasn’t easy, but it allowed me to grow into the strong, independent, and confident woman that I am proud to be today. That first year gave me the confidence to know that I have the will power to rise to the occasion of every challenge and know that I belong there, in the classroom, on the team, or whatever the case may be.

After a successful collegiate career, I was fortunate to be offered a great job fresh out of college. I have learned and experienced a wealth of knowledge, but none more valuable than the lesson that I will not be happy with my professional career unless I have pushed myself to achieve what I know I am capable of and suited for. For this reason I do not what to settle for a secure job or a good opportunity, but I want to challenge myself to attend an outstanding law school that will give me the opportunity to land my dream job. Due to my personal family experiences, I have developed an insatiable interest in the study and practice of family law for which I am extremely passionate. My passion for law along with my ability to overcome adversity coupled with my drive and determination to succeed will push me to obtain my law degree. I am ready to tackle my next challenge for which I will settle for nothing less than my best.

doriangray
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:28 am

Re: first draft PS, missing some major elements, help!

Postby doriangray » Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:40 pm

getmeouttahere wrote:Coming from a broken home with a mother who constantly reminded me to keep my goals realistic coupled with my father’s vision of me being nothing short from the next female President of United States, it was hard for me to place a value on my accomplishments. If I had achieved something substantial, for one parent it was remarkable that I even attempted the task and for the other it barely met his standards of acceptable. This scenario was often difficult to juggle, but the balance between the two left me with one constant thought to never settle for anything less than what I am capable of achieving.

Growing up as a talented athlete, my coaches always pushed me to set goals, short term goals, long term goals, practice goals, ego goals, lots of goals. As an awkward fifteen year old girl sitting in a circle with other teammates I announced that my long term goal was to earn a full athletic scholarship to a division one university. I received some raised eyebrows as I was a talented xxxxxxx, but certainly not the best in high school. However, as my senior year rolled around I was offered four scholarships. Two of which were full rides to play at either XX or YY. Everyone in my family wanted me to go to YY, and while YY is a fine academic institution, I did not want to settle and attend a university that was the norm for Y high school graduates. I wanted something bigger, something different where I could challenge myself academically, athletically, and also test my independent spirit in a large urban city 600 miles from home.

I choose XX because not only was I offered a full scholarship, but it was the best academic institution that I was accepted to, and accordingly I was challenged at XX in every aspect. I knew I was entering an academic setting where my high school statistics placed me below the average XX freshman, but I did not let statistics stand in my way. I used every resource to my advantage freshman year in order to achieve the grades I knew I was capable of receiving.

Life at the feild did not come as easily as I had expected either. I struggled to find my place on a team that had a less than perfect work ethic. I was the immediately threatening, talented, chipper, and hard working freshman they all feared would take their spot. My first year wasn’t easy, but it allowed me to grow into the strong, independent, and confident woman that I am proud to be today. That first year gave me the confidence to know that I have the will power to rise to the occasion of every challenge and know that I belong there, in the classroom, on the team, or whatever the case may be.

After a successful collegiate career, I was fortunate to be offered a great job fresh out of college. I have learned and experienced a wealth of knowledge, but none more valuable than the lesson that I will not be happy with my professional career unless I have pushed myself to achieve what I know I am capable of and suited for. For this reason I do not want to settle for a secure job or a good opportunity, but I want to challenge myself to attend an outstanding law school that will give me the opportunity to land my dream job. Due to my personal family experiences, I have developed an insatiable interest in the study and practice of family law for which I am extremely passionate. My passion for law along with my ability to overcome adversity coupled with my drive and determination to succeed will push me to obtain my law degree. I am ready to tackle my next challenge for which I will settle for nothing less than my best.


Ideas seem good, just noticed that subtle mistake and thought I'd point it out. Good luck!

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scribelaw
Posts: 771
Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:27 pm

Re: first draft PS, missing some major elements, help!

Postby scribelaw » Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:46 pm

My advice is to start over.

First of all, you say you came from a "broken home" but I don't really see any evidence to back that up.

Second, this reads like a superficial, guided tour through your first 20 years. You might just want to pick one theme or topic -- perhaps your career as a D1 athlete -- and use that to illuminate some part of your background or credentials that you think will be relevant to law school.

You spend WAY too much time talking about what college you picked and why. Cut all of that. They don't care what school you picked --they want to know what you did when you got there.

Also, get rid of adjectives such as describing yourself as a "talented" athlete and your "successful" collegiate career. If the reader doesn't come to that conclusion on his own, based on the clarity of your writing and the strength of your story, you're nowhere.

Good luck!

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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: first draft PS, missing some major elements, help!

Postby JustDude » Sat Feb 13, 2010 7:54 am

Douchebaggery at it finest.

Coming from a broken home

Agree with a previous post. I mean, not only you didnt substantiate the claim, but you managed to transmit the idea that home was actually caring supposrtive and pushing to succeed.
with a mother who constantly reminded me to keep my goals realistic coupled with my father’s vision of me being nothing short from the next female President of United States,

Mother was coupled with fathers vision??? That was some messed up relationship right there.
it was hard for me to place a value on my accomplishments.

I will gladly help you with this. 5 cents. Thats the value.
If I had achieved something substantial,

The first (and sadly last) modest thing. The past tense and subjunctive mood indicate that you didnt achieve anything. First and only honest remark.
for one parent it was remarkable that I even attempted the task and for the other it barely met his standards of acceptable.

Did you inherit any of his genes??? You might wanna indicate he was step dad.
This scenario was often difficult to juggle, but the balance between the two left me with one constant thought to never settle for anything less than what I am capable of achieving.

Dont split infinitive without a good reason, dont juggle the scenario and...... Dont write anything like that.

Growing up as a talented athlete, my coaches always pushed me to set goals, short term goals, long term goals, practice goals, ego goals, lots of goals.

Your coaches were growing up as a talented athlete??? What about you
As an awkward fifteen year old girl sitting in a circle with other teammates I announced that my long term goal was to earn a full athletic scholarship to a division one university. I received some raised eyebrows as I was a talented xxxxxxx, but certainly not the best in high school.

I could understand if you said "Talented but not the best in nation". But talented but not the best in High School. One high school??? Just one???. You know, you dad wasnt really demanding. You mom just had low standards
However, as my senior year rolled around I was offered four scholarships. Two of which were full rides to play at either XX or YY. Everyone in my family wanted me to go to YY, and while YY is a fine academic institution, I did not want to settle and attend a university that was the norm for Y high school graduates. I wanted something bigger, something different where I could challenge myself academically, athletically, and also test my independent spirit in a large urban city 600 miles from home.

I choose XX because not only was I offered a full scholarship, but it was the best academic institution that I was accepted to, and accordingly I was challenged at XX in every aspect. I knew I was entering an academic setting where my high school statistics placed me below the average XX freshman, but I did not let statistics stand in my way. I used every resource to my advantage freshman year in order to achieve the grades I knew I was capable of receiving.


Seriously, You GPA, the number, tells the story OK

Life at the feild did not come as easily as I had expected either. I struggled to find my place on a team that had a less than perfect work ethic. I was the immediately threatening, talented, chipper, and hard working freshman they all feared would take their spot.

Nice way to take a dump on your classmates. I can see you are a teamplayer. No wonder "you struggled to ind the place on a team".
My first year wasn’t easy, but it allowed me to grow into the strong, independent, and confident woman

strong independent modest confident woman
that I am proud to be today. That first year gave me the confidence to know that I have the will power to rise to the occasion of every challenge and know that I belong there, in the classroom, on the team, or whatever the case may be.

After a successful collegiate career, I was fortunate to be offered a great job fresh out of college. I have learned and experienced a wealth of knowledge, but none more valuable than the lesson that I will not be happy with my professional career unless I have pushed myself to achieve what I know I am capable of and suited for. For this reason I do not what to settle for a secure job or a good opportunity, but I want to challenge myself to attend an outstanding law school that will give me the opportunity to land my dream job. Due to my personal family experiences, I have developed an insatiable interest in the study and practice of family law for which I am extremely passionate.

Lamest excuse to go to Law School of the week. Congratulations, you won again. Ring your father.
My passion for law along with my ability to overcome adversity coupled with my drive and determination to succeed will push me to obtain my law degree. I am ready to tackle my next challenge for which I will settle for nothing less than my best.


"X along with Y couples with Z" should be combined with something as well.


This first draft should be the last one. And I dont mean you should be using it without changes




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