Please hate on my PS....I'd like to make it better

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
doriangray
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:28 am

Please hate on my PS....I'd like to make it better

Postby doriangray » Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:26 pm

I've decided on a delivery style for my PS and after some brief work on it was I hoping to get some feedback on what I have so far. Keep in mind, my medical setback is an incredibly large part of my application, it has essentially shaped who I am and how I came about to be in the situation I am currently in. It also justifies some discrepancies in my GPA and transcript, while also being important to understand the adversity I have overcome in my pursuit of law school. My PS needs a lot more content to be added, but I just wanted some initial feedback on style and notable gaps. Cheers!

Removed.
Last edited by doriangray on Mon Mar 01, 2010 12:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

doriangray
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:28 am

Re: Advice on PS style/content

Postby doriangray » Fri Feb 12, 2010 2:11 pm

Bump? Any noticeable faux pas made? Any suggestions? What does it feel like its missing?

Thanks in advance!

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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: Advice on PS style/content

Postby JustDude » Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:20 am

doriangray wrote:What does it feel like its missing?


Substance

Mosca
Posts: 251
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:10 am

Re: Please hate on my PS....I'd like to make it better

Postby Mosca » Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:43 am

.
Last edited by Mosca on Sun Jul 04, 2010 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

doriangray
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:28 am

Re: Please hate on my PS....I'd like to make it better

Postby doriangray » Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:31 pm

JustDude wrote:
doriangray wrote:What does it feel like its missing?


Substance


Thanks. Elaborate please.
Mosca wrote:I get the "repetition for emphasis" thing, but you use the word "how" 15 times in the last two paragraphs--6% of the words used. It's too repetitive.


Thanks. I think I'll scrap the 'how' method after the 2nd paragraph. Maybe provide a more direct analysis of how my experiences make me a good candidate.

Thanks for the feedback!

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jonas586
Posts: 90
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 1:21 am

Re: Please hate on my PS....I'd like to make it better

Postby jonas586 » Sat Feb 13, 2010 2:36 pm

OP I think you have successfully combined my two least favorite personal statement cliches into one, very unsatisfying, piece of prose:

1. Let me bore you to death by telling you why I want to be a lawyer/convince you that I want to be a lawyer
2. Allow me to inform you why my life has been challenging without providing any information that actually reveals what type of person I am.

Don't get me wrong, my hat goes off to you for the medical struggles that you went through, and if you feel it's best to write your personal statement on this subject then go for it. But if you're going to write about it, at least present it in a way that makes you compelling to your audience. You have to remember that your audience, in this case, will only know what you tell them, and thus, can only view you within the frame that you provide. If the only frame you provide is that: Event A happened to me, it was challenging, and then I got better, the adcoms are going to walk away with no appreciation for who you are, and remember you as that applicant with a medical condition.

Remember, you are the protagonist in your personal statement. When you write about something happening to you, you must also write about you happening back. You didn't just lay in a hospital bed, shitting your pants, and crying all day. And if you did, you did so with the resolve to lay, shit, or cry less the next day.

Also, I could be wrong, but I think starting your personal statement with the question of why you want to be a lawyer is a bad way to go. In fact, I think devoting any substantial bulk of your personal statement to this topic is a bad idea. Just my 2 cents, good luck.




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