PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ru2009
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PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby ru2009 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:28 pm

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Last edited by ru2009 on Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

glmn01
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby glmn01 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:51 pm

I like it. It totally works as is but I hope I don't piss you off with some suggestions. REMEMBER, this is just my opinion, use it/don't use I'm only trying to help and I have WAY too much spare time:

La Esperanza could (should?) be italicized when it is mentioned because it is not English. Also, "La Esperanza" means "The Hope" not just "Hope." So the town (in a literal translation) mean The Hope. The verb "esperanzar" means "hope" or "to give hope." (however, this is being somewhat picky and colloquially it works.)

You switch from "I" to "one" and then back to "us" and "I" example:

"I first visited the rural village while working with a small team of American doctors and volunteers. On the surface, it looked like any pastoral American town: the roosters crow at sunrise, a milkman comes to refill empty glass bottles once a week, and it always smells like home cooking. Looking closer however, ONE realizes that poverty and destitution has changed this cliché country town to an impoverished developing country."

Changing from something like "I realized" or "I spoke with" to "one realizes" and then back to "we saw" messes with the flow. I would stick with 1st person narrative strictly and stay away from the relflective 3rd person.

At the beginning, how about instead of: "After a three-hour drive, winding through the mountains, we finally reached our destination in La Esperanza, Honduras." You remove the double commas as you used it in the previous sentence as well. Instead, you could put something like: After a three-hour drive OF winding through the mountains, we finally reached our destination in La Esperanza, Honduras."

Hope this helps and good luck!!

ru2009
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby ru2009 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 9:03 pm

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Last edited by ru2009 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JustDude
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby JustDude » Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:13 am

So the white god from America had an internship into the reality, several hunderd miles to the south, in honduras. Locals greeted and pelased the god with thier musical performances, and in return he generously described them as poor, yet having lust for life; possesing little, yet having so much to give. Locals further pacified god by bringing a hefty sacrifice of coffee and sugar.

The god accompanied American doctors to that place. He is a no physician or surgeon, but I guess he is god, he will be usefull there. He can teach locals proper way to live.

The god conversed with locals. Locals do a lot things wrong and god decided to help them with advice. I mean it is unheard that army fiights with armored gangs that are completely out of control. The army is the reason for violence according to god. It was not obvious for locals. How could it be, it is so rediculous. The god teaches about human rights. Apparently if army backs from their arduous task, somehow locals will regain their rights such as safety and shelter. God knows better. Its easier to see from above.

But god is close to people and attended seminars of xxxx and zzzzzz, who apparently help drafted several international constitutions.

Poverty and destitution can change the cliché country town, but nothing can change the cliche God to locals PS.

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jks289
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby jks289 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:21 am

Delete the entire first paragraph. It doesn't paint a picture or draw the reader in, it just comes off as 8th grade expository writing. Edit the new first sentence to say:

I first visited La Esperanza, Honduras while working with a small team of American doctors and volunteers.

This is important. That first paragraph is a cheap gimmick and not well written. Axe it. The rest is fine, if a little self-indulgent.

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Zapatero
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby Zapatero » Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:33 am

La Esperanza could (should?) be italicized when it is mentioned because it is not English. Also, "La Esperanza" means "The Hope" not just "Hope." So the town (in a literal translation) mean The Hope. The verb "esperanzar" means "hope" or "to give hope." (however, this is being somewhat picky and colloquially it works.)


This person clearly does not speak Spanish. Please do not listen to him/her. Emotions like hope, love, happiness, etc. are often accompanied by an article in Spanish, though it's normally absent in English. Also, the verb is "esperar," not "esperanzar."

Edit: Further, you don't italicize a non-English word when it's a proper noun and retains the same name in both languages.
Last edited by Zapatero on Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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$1.99
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby $1.99 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:40 am

i agree with the above post, i remember learning about that when i studied abroad in madrid

glmn01
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby glmn01 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:30 am

Hey 'tards who just posted the two comments:

"esperanzar (V.) Dar esperanza a alguien: los últimos análisis clínicos nos han esperanzado mucho acerca de la curación de nuestro hijo."
(Dar esperanza a alguien translates to "to give hope to someone"
Esparanzar means to give hope (see above definition if you can read it). (BTW it is a verb)

Emotions can be infinitive form etc. without and article!

glmn01
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby glmn01 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:32 am

But for the record, I do think you are right regarding the not italicizing (which was why I put that I wasn't sure and added a question mark to that comment, duh).


However, back to your previous point: ESPERAR means waiting or hoping. Por ejemplo: esperame (wait for me) y cuando era nino vivia en puerto rico cabron. So yes, I do speak spanish

glmn01
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby glmn01 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 10:35 am

$1.99 wrote:i agree with the above post, i remember learning about that when i studied abroad in madrid


Last thing: here is all of the conjugation of "esperar" (the verb you said that esperanza was from....dumbass (which it is not, it's from esperanzar!))
Present Indicative:
yo espero
tú esperas
él/usted espera
nosotros esperamos
vosotros esperáis
ellos/ustedes esperan
Imperfect:
yo esperaba
tú esperabas
él/usted esperaba
nosotros esperábamos
vosotros esperabais
ellos/ustedes esperaban
Preterite:
yo esperé
tú esperaste
él/usted esperó
nosotros esperamos
vosotros esperasteis
ellos/ustedes esperaron
Future:
yo esperaré
tú esperarás
él/usted esperará
nosotros esperaremos
vosotros esperaréis
ellos/ustedes esperarán
Conditional:
yo esperaría
tú esperarías
él/usted esperaría
nosotros esperaríamos
vosotros esperaríais
ellos/ustedes esperarían
Imperative:
tú espera
él/usted espere
nosotros esperemos
vosotros esperad
ellos/ustedes esperen
Present Subjunctive:
yo espere
tú esperes
él/usted espere
nosotros esperemos
vosotros esperéis
ellos/ustedes esperen
Imperfect Subjunctive:
yo esperara
tú esperaras
él/usted esperara
nosotros esperáramos
vosotros esperarais
ellos/ustedes esperaran
Gerund:
esperando Past Participle:
esperado

Enjoy it and take a spanish class

narkizopoint
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby narkizopoint » Thu Feb 11, 2010 10:36 am

Okay, whoa...no more coffee for u

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Zapatero
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby Zapatero » Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:46 pm

Emotions can be infinitive form etc. without and article!


No hablo del infinitivo, macho, sino del sustantivo. En español, sí es possible que lleve o que no lleve artículo, pero en inglés casi nunca ocurre. El amor, la felidicad, la esperanza, etc., son love, happiness, y hope. Por eso, la traducción inglesa para la esperanza será "hope" y no "the hope".

However, back to your previous point: ESPERAR means waiting or hoping. Por ejemplo: esperame (wait for me) y cuando era nino vivia en puerto rico cabron. So yes, I do speak spanish.


Reconozco la posibilidad de que esperanzar tenga significado en algunos países, pero nunca lo he visto yo. No obstante, acabas de decir tú mismo que esperar puede significar "to hope". Dado tu dominio del idioma, esperaría que entendieses que te has contradicho.

nguyenr22
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby nguyenr22 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:08 pm

“Four score and seven years ago,” as I was stumbling into Hoag chemical dependency center, frightened, I uttered these words to Nurse Greg, "Are you guys going to kick my butt in here?" "No, you kick your own butt in here!" he yelled. Little did I know then, that it was the day (July 7th, 2006) that I stopped kicking my own butt and began patting myself on the back. It was that day that I caught my first glimpse of a peak of the rainbow--a new life brought about not just ordinary rain. This rain quenched my decade-drought of drug addiction. “Everything happens for a reason.” So true. My drug addiction led me to snacking and napping at places beyond my imagination. It bonded me to individuals neglected and rejected by society and to those who shared similar dreams and fears as any average Joe. It showed me that food and safety are not guaranteed. Most ironically, however, it guided me to a career ambition. I learned that drug addicts and alcoholics deserve rehabilitation and not incarceration. We just strayed down a wrong road and needed to stop and ask for directions. “Why not, ”we asked, “help us out with a small map?” I want to go to law school because I really enjoy making a difference in people’s lives. I hope to be their “tour guide.” To me, an attorney should be well-equipped not just with knowledge but also with the compassion to serve the public. I have developed a strong foundation of both, yet there is always room for improvement.
I live my life abiding by two principles. One, most of my actions affect at least a friend and a stranger, thus I must constantly be proofreading my rhetoric. Two, with privileges come responsibilities; responsibilities require dedication; it follows, then, that dedication affords privileges.
My father once said, “Con hoc thi bo cho con.” That statement means my education benefits me. Sure. But my education not only benefits me, but it also benefits others. If I am educated, then in turn I can share my knowledge with others. Share is my favorite word of the English language. Mayor Foster of Long Beach, CA has said, “Community members are not interconnected just geographically, but also psychologically and mentally.” For most of my life, for example,I struggled with obesity. Having had too many lonely Friday nights lured me in joining a local gym. I began learning proper dietary and effective exercising regimens. Seeing me having lost 60lbs sparked Frank, a dear friend of mine, to adopt my practices. I shared with him that starving oneself and being a gym rat are not the bases of true nutrition. It is rather exercising in intervals and knowing that, on average,it is a 2000 calories deficit per pound of weight to be burned. Frank is now my workout partner thrice weekly.

My fitness education affected a friend. It also benefitted at least one stranger. Since my clothing size went from 2XL to a Medium, I donated my unused jackets to the homeless individuals on Fourth Street in Santa Ana. When it’s cold and it rains my heart goes out to them. I am humble that I helped six strangers stay warmer this cold winter. Mother Teresa said, “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.”

The reason I want to go to law school is that I want to continue to make a difference in people’s lives. A couple years ago, while I was at a law forum in Cal State Long Beach, a UC Berkeley admission officer shared a Noblesse oblige that I today hold dear to my head and heart, “With privileges come responsibilities.” I am privileged. How dare can I claim otherwise after chatting with Joe, a middle age heroin-addicted Marine veteran. He told me that he felt worthless to society and drugs help him to escape momentarily. I shared with Joe that I too felt worthless when having failed to quit umpteenth of times and that I was privileged to know someone who showed me how to stay off drugs. Thus it was my responsibility to pave for Joe the same path. One can’t shake years of addiction over night, however. Nothing in life comes easy. I continued to take Joe to self-help meetings everyday for the first thirty days. We were dedicated to our sobriety, and it afforded us the privilege of a changed life.

In conclusion, this ant is not any better than its neighbor. I set goals for myself and work hard at them one day at a time. My experiences of life have led me to conclude that the strengths and disciplines accumulated in the process of achieving a goal are often more gratifying than the attainment of the goal itself.

glmn01
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby glmn01 » Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:10 pm

ccs1702 wrote:
Emotions can be infinitive form etc. without and article!


No hablo del infinitivo, macho, sino del sustantivo. En español, sí es possible que lleve o que no lleve artículo, pero en inglés casi nunca ocurre. El amor, la felidicad, la esperanza, etc., son love, happiness, y hope. Por eso, la traducción inglesa para la esperanza será "hope" y no "the hope".

Reconozco la posibilidad de que esperanzar tenga significado en algunos países, pero nunca lo he visto yo. No obstante, acabas de decir tú mismo que esperar puede significar "to hope". Dado tu dominio del idioma, esperaría que entendieses que te has contradicho.


Si yo se esto... which is why at the preface of my suggestions, I put that it's just my opinion y ja! i know that it does depend on where you are from but I would still be careful about translating place names. Let us not forget that the city could be "The Hope" and not just "Hope" but your point: [Reconozco la posibilidad de que esperanzar tenga significado en algunos países, pero nunca lo he visto yo] is well taken and I have never been to to S. America

narkizopoint
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby narkizopoint » Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:19 pm

glmn01 wrote: I have never been to to S. America...

where they speak real spanish like spaniards. :twisted:

glmn01
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Re: PLEASE give me some feedback, anything will do! final draft!

Postby glmn01 » Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:59 am

narkizopoint wrote:
glmn01 wrote: I have never been to to S. America...

where they speak real spanish like spaniards. :twisted:



Nice!




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