Your critique will be greatly appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jpalting
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:36 pm

Your critique will be greatly appreciated

Postby jpalting » Tue Feb 09, 2010 4:42 pm

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Last edited by jpalting on Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: Your critique will be greatly appreciated

Postby JustDude » Wed Feb 10, 2010 3:56 am

I hate the principals office, always have, and at age 40 it's the last place I thought I would find myself. Unfortunately at 3:30 pm on September 14th of 2009 that is exactly where I was. Principal Richard’s stern voice and disapproving looks brought a flood of childhood memories back, ones that I would sooner forget but fundamentally helped to shape the person I am today.


So you started you "shaping" at the age of 40??? Old English proverb. Fool at 40 is a Fool forever.

I looked over at my friend Marcus and caught him staring aimlessly at the ceiling as the litany of trumped up "charges" against him were read allowed for the benefit me and his foster mother.


Fast forward. I read the whole PS. Dude, Charges were not "trumped up". Retard. He was charded with bringing a weapon to elementary school. And you admitted he brought one.


Throughout the process I could see in his eyes that Marcus was bored, running mental laps around Principal Richards, and a trying to figure out a way to extricate himself from this situation. We spent the next two hours recounting the minutiae of the incident that had brought us here. The reason Marcus felt compelled to bring, and brandish, a 3-inch broken jigsaw blade that he found on his way to school that day.


Good grammar right there. What were you trying to say.?.

This, in the eyes of Principal Richards, constituted bringing a weapon onto school grounds, and was cause for an expulsion hearing.


Not only in the eyes of Principal Richards, But also in the eyes of law. I admire your respect for laws and authorities. Welcome to the Law School.

My heart sank when I heard the words " because of the hysteria and concern that this incident has caused among the parents of the other 5th graders I have no choice but to put Marcus on immediate and indefinite suspension and to recommend his expulsion to the school board."


Totally hysteria. Student brandishing a blade in elementary school is no big deal

20 minutes later Marcus, his foster mother, and I were standing on the sidewalk in front of Flowers Elementary School contemplating our short list of options. I explained the distinction between suspension and expulsion to 10-year-old Marcus, and it was then that the gravity of his situation took hold and he burst into tears. Marcus could see the disappointment in my eyes as I mustered up a few words of support, which I purposefully limited. I wanted this moment in to really take hold of him, for this new reality to be a catalyst in his young life, one that would deepen his resolve and show everyone around him the true limitlessness of his potential.


Limitness??? You mean he can bring guns?

I met my friend Marcus 3 years ago through the Big Brothers & Big Sisters of America organization. In many respects it was like looking at a mirror image of myself at age 10.


Logically should be at age of 7

We both come from multiracial backgrounds, we are both are exceptionally smart


No shit. If you wont comliment yourself, noone will

and have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and learning.


No shit part deux

We share a passion for the ocean, a love for skateboarding, and the enjoyment of bringing laughter and levity into our lives of those around us.


Laughter, levity and saw blades. Also, WTF is "our lives of those around us". I guess you missed and.

Officially I am referred to as his Youth Mentor or "Big", neither of which are titles that I am comfortable with or that accurately describe our relationship.


Chris Hanson alert??? Just kidding Just kidding.

I know that Marcus looks up to me and respects me as an elder, sees me as a role model, and that we inspire each other to do our best in every situation.

Marcus and I have both felt the sting of racism


Such as being accused of bringing broken jigsaw blade for bringing broken jigsaw blade. Also buddy, if you claim to be racially profiled, present a story or something. Enough with all those "hints".

and the toll that it exacts on ones view of humanity, however our other life experiences have been quite different. I am thankful that I will never know what it is like to be born addicted to cocaine because my mother abused drugs during my gestation. Nor will I know what it would be like to be snatched from my parents within days of my birth and permanently thrown into the dehumanizing abyss of the foster care system.


Wow, good way to take a dump on foster care system. You know, a lot off people actually do a good job and dedicate their life to it. Why not talk about "abyss of the Big Brother system", effing douche.

By contrast I am the son of highly educated academics whose never-ending unconditional love, loyalty and support have played a monumental role in helping me navigate the many barriers that I have faced in life.


Son of academics??? hMmm and why its inportant. Trying to capitalize on pedigree??? You already tried capitalized on marcus's race, isnt it a time to write something about yourself?

Marcus has mentioned to me, and others, that in me he sees prestige, and success, a man who is married, has been a successful business owner, now works for a top investment firm, and will soon be thriving in law school.


That was subtle. Very subtle. What else did he confide in you and others. I hope not your penis size (Chris Hanson, Where are you?)

These are the superficial things that are visible on the surface. What is not apparent is the immense struggle that it has taken me to reach those levels of achievement, and that tenacity, sheer will, and familial support have gotten me to where I am today.


Why not tell story about that???.. I wonder

The more substantive things that I hope to impart on Marcus are the importance of building good character and citizenship. That loyalty and dedication to family, friends, and the global community are necessary. How driving meaningful social change is done not only through ones words but also their actions. And finally, that touching the life of even just one person in a positive way pays huge dividends.

In the end we determined that Marcus had brought the broken saw blade to school because he had been receiving threats from a bully and he feared for his safety.


Gosh what a pathetic excuse. Thats why he was brandishing it??? Must be some prison, not a school.

I was then able to intervene not just as Marcus' friend but also as his advocate, and we drafted a compromise with Principal Richards. In the agreement Marcus was able to maintain his status in the GATE program (a California wide educational designation for academically gifted students), as well as spare the hardship of enduring a school board expulsion hearing if I found him a new school in another district. On the first day of his suspension I found a private day school in his area that was willing to admit him, and provide a needs based scholarship which would cover 50% of his tuition.


Dude, its your statement, not Marcus's.

I'm not worried about how Marcus will turn out because if there was one thing Principal Richards and I could agree on it's that he is destined for greatness if he chooses to share his gifts.


Gift being a broken jigsaw blade.

Marcus is flourishing and for that the world is a better place.


Flourish, not brandish.

It’s the many instances like this in my life that remind me of my strengths, the fact that I can analyze difficult situations and quickly devise creative strategies to address them.


Like inventing story of the bully.

Or, that I have the ability to bring people together to find common ground. And lastly that I enjoy bringing a voice and protection to those who cannot defend themselves. These are the attributes that will serve me well as a law student, and ultimately make me a successful lawyer.


Yawwwn. Fool at 40 is a Fool forever. Deal with that.
Last edited by JustDude on Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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CardinalRules
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Re: Your critique will be greatly appreciated

Postby CardinalRules » Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:31 am

In all seriousness, I agree that the PS says a lot about the boy that you are mentoring but very little about yourself. And it is hard to sympathize with someone who brings a weapon to school, regardless of how much he has been threatened by a bully. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but many Admissions Officers are parents and would be horrified at the thought of their child being exposed to such danger at school.

In short, I strongly recommend that you choose a different topic for your PS, in which you focus on your own accomplishments. This topic would have been fascinating had you been the boy whom you helped, but we learn very little about you beyond the extent to which your fondness for this individual blinds you to the very real threat that his actions posed to others.

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JustDude
Posts: 354
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Re: Your critique will be greatly appreciated

Postby JustDude » Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:45 am

managamy wrote:In all seriousness, I agree that the PS says a lot about the boy that you are mentoring but very little about yourself. And it is hard to sympathize with someone who brings a weapon to school, regardless of how much he has been threatened by a bully. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but many Admissions Officers are parents and would be horrified at the thought of their child being exposed to such danger at school.

In short, I strongly recommend that you choose a different topic for your PS, in which you focus on your own accomplishments. This topic would have been fascinating had you been the boy whom you helped, but we learn very little about you beyond the extent to which your fondness for this individual blinds you to the very real threat that his actions posed to others.


This is the first post on this forum that is longer then 5 sentences, yet has no grammar errors. Sad.......




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