Personal Statement Lacking Objectivity

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Chroanizz
Posts: 16
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:49 pm

Personal Statement Lacking Objectivity

Postby Chroanizz » Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:17 pm

... Thanks you 2 for the help. I'm definately tearing my paper apart right now and saving few parts for a new PS.
Last edited by Chroanizz on Fri Feb 05, 2010 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

legallybound
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:33 am

Re: Personal Statement Lacking Objectivity

Postby legallybound » Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:59 pm

I think when people said it lacked "meat," they meant it wasn't focused. After reading it, I don't get a clear impression of who you are. You add some interesting topics but don't elaborate:
1) Accident- did you learn something? you were "forced to make tremendous changes to [your academics, finances, ethics, and respect for the community." Wait, that sounds like a good topic.
2) 1st school not a good experience (I wouldn't dwell on this)
3) Transferring was difficult, but you got something out of it
a) leadership roles (excellent essay topic)
b) adapting and excelling in unfamiliar situations (excellent essay topic)
4) Studied abroad
5) I like law (do NOT write about this)

In you PS, you just say these things happened, but I don't understand why, how, end results, the process, etc.

My advice is pick one of these topics, and write a new essay focusing on specific experiences that relate to you overall topic/message. To sum it up in one word, focus.

cubswin
Posts: 618
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 4:40 pm

Re: Personal Statement Lacking Objectivity

Postby cubswin » Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:00 pm

The subject of this thread leads me to believe you don't know what objectivity is. Perhaps you do, and you mean to say that you need an objective evaluation of your statement. But it made me think you believed your personal statement lacks objective descriptions of you.

I don't mean to be a jerk by pointing that out, but I think the title is emblematic of the problems that characterize your entire personal statement. Your language just has a general, hard-too-define awkardness to it.

Take, for example, the first sentence of this paragraph:

The new location, individuals and education offered by this new university was a fresh start which I immediately took advantage of. Through


It is difficult to pinpoint precisely why this sentence is such a disaster, so I will go over a few of them in no particular order. First of all, you use "new" twice, which is redundant. Secondly, why not tell me what the location is? Saying something along the lines of "New York offered me x, y, and z," or "Ann Arbor was everything I imagined a college town would be, and i took advantage of x, y, and z." Actual details paint a picture, instead of simply saying "the new location," and I expect that this is partially what people meant when they said your essay lacked "meat."

Next, to say "individuals" were "offered" by the university is a bit awkward and vague in the extreme. I'm not sure if you mean the faculty, the students? Presumably both, but still.

Most importantly, this decision would eventually lead to, six years later, my application and undeniable desire to attend [Law School].


I am sorry, but the "undeniable desire" part just seems odd to me.

It would be an understatement to describe the academics in my first year of college as devastating.


"the academics in my first year"? Devestating as an understatement? Isn't there a better way to say everything in this sentence?

I have never been one to make excuses, but chronic physical pain and sleep deprivation associated with this accident were the reasons behind my hardship. Following a frustrating year of unhappiness, I recognized the need for change. My enthusiastic spirit, quick wit, and ability to command social situations have instinctively led me to assume leadership roles among my peers throughout my life. It is my ability to adapt and excel in unfamiliar situations that define me as an individual.


Now you're just stringing together positive buzz-words to form sentences. The last two sentences in this quote have little or nothing to do with the topic of your paragraph.

Idea for concrete details: one or more of the "leadership roles among my peers."

It is my ability to adapt and excel in unfamiliar situations that define me as an individual


There are two abilities listed here that define you as an individual. "Individual" seems superfluous. Why not just "define you" instead of "define you as an individual?" The latter sounds bullshitty, and I don't think it says anything the first doesn't.

In Australia, I was able to enroll in Business Law. In the first day of class, I instantly became captivated by the course material.


You started with "In" twice. The second one sounds worse, so change that one.

BTW: "was able" to enroll in Business law? First of all, get rid of the passive voice. Secondly, why not just "I enrolled in business law."

Thank you for your time and I hope to see you in the fall of 2010.


Do people do this? Thank ad-comms for reading their statement?

Forgive the harshness. Good luck.




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