Please critique my ps

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:33 pm

Please critique my ps

Postby AllorNothing » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:08 pm

I'm hoping to submit this tomorrow. I would appreciate any feedbacks you can give me.
Please help. Thanks.
Last edited by AllorNothing on Fri Feb 05, 2010 3:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.


Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:33 am

Re: Please critique my ps

Postby legallybound » Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:48 pm

AllorNothing wrote:I'm hoping to submit this tomorrow. I would appreciate any feedbacks you can give me.
Please help. Thanks.

Sitting in a dark, stale basement room, I was feeling uncomfortable and I began to regret coming down here. Across [strike]from[/strike] the table was my landlord who was smoking a cigarette.
[strike]I was waiting in my landlord’s office because[/strike] he asked me to come down to his office [strike]for a conversation[/strike]because he needed to speak with me. He showed me the electricity bill and, to my surprise, insisted that my family pay it. When I signed my lease,I was [strike]under the impression[/strike]believed that the landlord was responsible for the electricity bills. The landlord[strike]’s[/strike] explained[strike]explanation was[/strike] that since the bills came up higher than before, my family should be responsible for it(Responsible for the difference, or for the whole thing?). Realizing that nothing could be resolved at that moment, I told him that I would relay this information to my family.
[strike]Being[/strike]As an eighteen year old[strike], high school student of[/strike] in an immigrant family, taking care of household matters was normal for me. [strike]In 2004[/strike]Three/XYZ years previously (you reference being 18, then 2004, so the timeline in confusing), my mother and I moved to a house above a deli after my brother left for college. The deli’s owner, our landlord, was nice to us at first. As my mother and I [strike]would[/strike] later find out, it was just a façade. Since My mother, acting as the sole provider for my brother and I, worked twelve hours hour shifts for six days a week, I would handle [strike]some[/strike]many of the household responsibilities. However, this time I couldn’t.
I told my mother about the landlord’s demand. At first, my mother [strike]was hesitant to pay[/strike]hesitated paying the landlord, because [strike]we knew that[/strike]the electricity bill also included the deli’s electricity consumption. My mother turned to our real estate agent to us for advice. Initially, the real estate agent assured us that the landlord was responsible for paying the bill, but after she talked to the landlord thought it best that we pay the bill. With both the landlord and the real estate agent pressuring us to pay, we had no choice but to oblige. However, that was not the end of our troubles. The landlord had stopped paying the utility bills [strike]which resulted in[/strike]causing our electricity [strike]being[/strike]to be cut off. We were forced to live in a house that had no heat for three months in cold winter.
With nowhere else to go(But you went to the lawyer later, therefore you had somewhere else to go), on the advice of a family friend, we called the Police because there was no way to contact the landlord. Even the Police could not do anything because it was a commercial property. Feeling desperate, we went to [strike]a place where we thought of[/strike]someone as the last resort.
Right away, we knew that consulting with an attorney was the right decision. After we explained our situation, the attorney explained to us that the real estate agent had no business interfering in the matter and that we were not responsible [strike]for paying[/strike]the bill. Although my mother and I chose not pursue legal action this meeting with the attorney was an eye[strike][/strike]-opening experience.
Coming from a culture where seeking the aid of an attorney is not popular(not popular, I don't understand...especially if you needed one), I had previously believed that going to the law for help was the last resort for solving any problem. From this experience, I learned that the law is more accessible than I previously thought and that the law could be a solution to resolve certain conflicts.
Through my glimpse into the authority of the law, I felt empoweredword choice, you felt empowered(?). I realized that the law is the just method in combating discrimination. With my new sense of empowerment, I began to consider a career in law. (honestly, I would delete this <-----paragraph)
My experience helped me realize that I wanted to help people who may not have the means or the knowledge to look to the law for help as I did(but you did, though not at first, Maybe include something about reaching out more, presenting a positive image of lawyers, etc.). I especially want to focus on helping immigrants who may face difficulties living in a new country like I did. My experience as an immigrant will be valuable in helping them. I know that law school will be a challenging journey. However, with my life experiences and genuine understanding of where I came from and where I am going in life, I can confidently say that I will succeed at [school name](Adding the school name doesn't add anything in this case. I would just put "law school," so you don't send the an essay to the wrong school. Or, you could just delete the last 2 sentences, they don't add much).

Looks good, see the comments above. You may want to include how the tiff with landlord ended because it just kind of drops. You may want to emphasize your background, the cultural differences and your struggles.


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Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:15 pm

Re: Please critique my ps

Postby lawman335 » Sun Feb 07, 2010 1:19 am

legallybound has edited the best ,u can submit this ps,it will be fine.......

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