PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

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onthecusp
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PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby onthecusp » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:46 pm

Thank you all for your help. Much appreciated.
Last edited by onthecusp on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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wadeny
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby wadeny » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:08 pm

It's decent - you get across a lot of details about your past and show perseverance in the face of adversity, which adcoms like to see in a DS. My only criticism is that it reads in too much of a linear fashion. You're basically listing events and experiences in chronological order and explaining them to the reader rather than showing them with more style. I mean, I think you could send it in as is, but if there was a way you could reshape it to focus on one or two more specific experiences (in the form of a story), I think it could be a lot stronger.

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LAWLAW09
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby LAWLAW09 » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:29 pm

The story has some kick to it. Good job. I'm curious how this fits into the larger story that your application is telling. Are any of your childhood experiences connected to why you're going into law? Connected to what's on your resume? Connected to qualities that your letters of recommendations are going to touch on (have they read this?)? Connected to GPA addendum? Personal Statement? And so on and so forth.

As an isolated essay this could read as: applicant wants to go to law school just to be different, break the mold, get over his past, evoke sympathy, etc. Clearly, your this essay won't serve as your entire app but I'm leaving these comments just in case more time could be spent tweaking parts of your app so that everything fits together as a coherent and powerful story.



One line made me pause when I read it:

"Anybody who sought academics in my family would have to be a person willing to stand opposed to the truth of inevitability."

"...truth of inevitability..." <-- what does that mean? I'm sure the adcomms are smarter than me but I feel as if I'm taking a guess if I attach any meaning to that phrase. You are trying to break strong familial and racial cycles by going to law school and you're telling them not just "I can" but "I will." If that is the case, are you really facing something that is inevitable or is there some illusion of inevitability or a force of improbability that your moving against?


I rarely post on here but this is one of the few essays that I read in its entirety so I wanted to try to be helpful.

I wish you the best. Keep representing. And when you get your shot...run with it and take a few ppl with you.

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onthecusp
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby onthecusp » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:36 pm

LAWLAW09 wrote:The story has some kick to it. Good job. I'm curious how this fits into the larger story that your application is telling. Are any of your childhood experiences connected to why you're going into law? Connected to what's on your resume? Connected to qualities that your letters of recommendations are going to touch on (have they read this?)? Connected to GPA addendum? Personal Statement? And so on and so forth.

As an isolated essay this could read as: applicant wants to go to law school just to be different, break the mold, get over his past, evoke sympathy, etc. Clearly, your this essay won't serve as your entire app but I'm leaving these comments just in case more time could be spent tweaking parts of your app so that everything fits together as a coherent and powerful story.



One line made me pause when I read it:

"Anybody who sought academics in my family would have to be a person willing to stand opposed to the truth of inevitability."

"...truth of inevitability..." <-- what does that mean? I'm sure the adcomms are smarter than me but I feel as if I'm taking a guess if I attach any meaning to that phrase. You are trying to break strong familial and racial cycles by going to law school and you're telling them not just "I can" but "I will." If that is the case, are you really facing something that is inevitable or is there some illusion of inevitability or a force of improbability that your moving against?


I rarely post on here but this is one of the few essays that I read in its entirety so I wanted to try to be helpful.

I wish you the best. Keep representing. And when you get your shot...run with it and take a few ppl with you.


Most of my application is based on my achievements. I would say my resume is par for the course, I have 5 years of work experience as a paralegal; I have some other stuff in there...ran 5 marathons, competed in Chess, run a baseball program for ex high school players looking to make college rosters. My personal statement doesn't include any of this; it is focused on my experiences in church leadership and challenging their authority to promote unethical practices on the members of the Church. I wrote this specifically to underscore where I came from, as initially, I didn't want to include any of it.

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onthecusp
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby onthecusp » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:40 pm

LAWLAW09 wrote:"...truth of inevitability..." <-- what does that mean? I'm sure the adcomms are smarter than me but I feel as if I'm taking a guess if I attach any meaning to that phrase. You are trying to break strong familial and racial cycles by going to law school and you're telling them not just "I can" but "I will." If that is the case, are you really facing something that is inevitable or is there some illusion of inevitability or a force of improbability that your moving against?


I rarely post on here but this is one of the few essays that I read in its entirety so I wanted to try to be helpful.

I wish you the best. Keep representing. And when you get your shot...run with it and take a few ppl with you.


I meant the last paragraph to address that statement exposing the truth of inevitability to be illusory. I'll try to tweak it and make it more clear. I really appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much.

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onthecusp
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby onthecusp » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:49 pm

I have edited the last paragraph to make the "inevitability" portion more clear. Does this sound better?

Reality has exposed the truth that inevitability is illusory when opposed. I am a man ready to stand opposed in the face of inevitability; grasping fully the opportunities set before me.

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LAWLAW09
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby LAWLAW09 » Wed Feb 03, 2010 8:03 pm

np.


If the rest of your app is strong, specifically gpa and lsat, I wouldn't close with "I'm looking for a shot." If you're not a gamble, there's no reason to risk that interpretation. If that line is in there for some of your reaches than I would still consider a sentence or two that links this to the rest of your app or why your background makes you an applicant that will improve their school. It jumps out that you can handle adversity but as a minority applicant how does your experience impact your every day thought process or how you plan to impact or use the law?

If I had your essay and another essay that said the exact same thing but gave me a few sentences not just on how the applicant wants a shot, but on how the applicant plans to transfer the benefits from getting that shot to the community he comes from, yours wouldn't be my choice.

As a urm my comments are consistent with my own personal bias (see "take a few with you" above) but I would think most would lean towards the applicant that says, "I have overcome much, will continue to, AND I'm going to make sure the next generation that faces similar undeserved challenges benefit from my opportunities."



No insult is taken if you disagree.

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LAWLAW09
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby LAWLAW09 » Wed Feb 03, 2010 8:20 pm

onthecusp wrote:I have edited the last paragraph to make the "inevitability" portion more clear. Does this sound better?

Reality has exposed the truth that inevitability is illusory when opposed. I am a man ready to stand opposed in the face of inevitability; grasping fully the opportunities set before me.





It seems unnecessarily wordy. Not to mention it seems like something someone could want to debate just for the sake of debating. Isn't death inevitable and does opposing it change that? Most would say that opposing death will not stop it from occurring and now your left with an adcomm having an intellectual conversation in their head over what they consider to be flawed reasoning.

I'd much rather see something simple while capturing the strength of your essay:

"When given an opportunity, I make the most of it. When faced with challenges, I overcome them. This is evident in my past. More importantly, this attitude is inseparable from my core values and how I intend to live the rest of my life."



Maybe not those words but something to that effect. stylistically. You've already given them beautiful language and imagery. Give them something that an adcomm can repeat if he/she has to fight for your application in a few seconds.

Woozy
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby Woozy » Wed Feb 03, 2010 8:44 pm

[quote="onthecusp"]I am hoping to submit this today, any criticism is welcome, and greatly appreciated.


You have lots of passive language I've activated a bit and some intermittent grammatical errors. I probably still missed plenty. Feel free to take what you want of my advice and leave what you don't.
Last edited by Woozy on Sat Jan 15, 2011 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ealvar01
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Re: PLEASE HELP...submitting diversity statement today....

Postby ealvar01 » Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:26 am

Good stuff. Good luck on your applications.




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