Feedback please...Police PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
coobs
Posts: 46
Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:05 am

Feedback please...Police PS

Postby coobs » Wed Feb 03, 2010 5:18 pm

edited
Last edited by coobs on Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
BigFatPanda
Posts: 319
Joined: Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:47 am

Re: Feedback please...Police PS

Postby BigFatPanda » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:05 pm

coobs wrote:(Is there certain etiquette to follow on this forum? I posted a 1st draft and this is my 2nd draft on another post)

As a Police Officer my days at work are rarely routine. Many times I have been caught in the middle of writing a report or investigating a less serious crime when I’ve been abruptly interrupted by the hurried voice of a dispatcher requesting my response to ‘a baby having difficulty breathing’ or ‘shots fired’ at a specific location. While in the midst of chaotic and often life altering situations for those involved, I have had to be a voice of reason, exemplifying strength and compassion while not getting lost in the emotions of the moment…[strike]skills that are sometimes never learned by some[/strike] (Skills that are absolutely necessary for dispute resolution within legal discourse).

[strike]For more than 15 years I have actively been involved in my church; volunteering thousands of hours leading worship and speaking in front of hundreds of people, organizing and teaching at small groups and mentoring people. My faith in God and perseverance in the church has helped mold my character in such a way that I can be that strength, that voice of reason in an otherwise riotous situations.[/strike]

I will never forget the first time I saw a male shot. The scene unfolded so quickly, yet seemed to be playing itself out in slow motion. It was ###, 200@ and I was working overtime as a #### Police Officer outside of a #### club. Gunshots rang and I immediately jumped out of a cold van. My heart racing furiously, I radioed [strike]to[/strike] the dispatcher “shots fired…shots fired at ##### …parking garage north of club ##### ”. I [strike]began to[/strike]cautiously [strike]run[/strike] (ran) towards the parking garage where the gunshots came from with three other [cops] (officers) I was working with. I poked my head (out) to look into the driveway of the parking garage when I saw approximately 3 black males kicking and punching another black male on the floor with dozens of onlookers. With our guns drawn, we ran in yelling ‘Police don’t move!’, but the 3 attackers jumped into a gray Chevy Impala and drove off through the opposite exit. As another [strike]cop[/strike] (officer) helped give aid to the victim, I again got on my radio and told the dispatcher the description of the subjects, their car and direction of flight. I remember(ed) thinking the situation was so surreal, but I kept [strike]at my job[/strike] (my calm and did my duty) as the EMT’s [strike]now on scene[/strike]rushed the victim to the hospital where he ultimately died from his wounds. [strike]He was murdered.[/strike] Sometime later, I learned that another team of [strike]cops[/strike] (officers) caught the attackers and I was commended for my description [strike]which[/strike] (that) helped lead to their capture. That night symbolized why I became a cop and why I have decided to go to Law School…to selflessly serve and protect my country (Please elaborate in detail how going to law school would further serve and protect this country). That night, however, could have ended without the capture of the subjects who shot and mercilessly beat the victim had it not been for the skills I learned being a police officer and the qualities I had possessed stemming from my relationship with God and my time spent in leadership at my church. [strike]There have been many instances I can recall where other cops have in stressful situations forgot critical descriptions of fleeing subjects and have screamed into their hand-held radios causing only more fear and confusion[/strike] (is this really necessary? lts probably true but berating other officers is unprofessional).

For more than 15 years I have actively been involved in my church; volunteering thousands of hours leading worship and speaking in front of hundreds of people, organizing and teaching at small groups and mentoring people. My faith in God and perseverance in the church has helped mold my character [strike]in such a way that I can be that strength, that voice of reason in an otherwise riotous situations[/strike](to have the strength to be the voice of reason in otherwise riotous sitations; a skill that was diligently applied in service of my community and my country). [strike]Though somewhat of a cliché[/strike] (Its not cliche if you believe it 100%) (Thus,) I [strike]really did become[/strike] (became) a police officer ‘to give back’ to my country[.] Witnessing the disgusting attacks of 9/11 and the pain it caused New York & the United States, I realized the desire I had to ‘do something’ must be fulfilled [strike]and shortly after I became a ### Police officer[/strike] (This remark pertaining to 9/11 should be mention somwhere else in the statement because it creates a gap in your story).

(You need a transitional statement linking this paragraph to why you became a police officer in the previous paragraph) My career in law enforcement has thus far proved fruitful as I have had the opportunity to be trained as an FBI ##### Instructor, Certified through US Homeland Security in Weapons of Mass Destruction Protective Measures & certified through the ##### in Citywide and National Incident Management. My law enforcement experience now spans over more than half a decade where I have witnessed stabbings, shootings, armed robberies, burglaries and most other crimes you can think of. I have helped talk people out of committing suicide yet aided in females giving birth. I have given countless tourists directions, yet have had criminals cursing me because of the uniform I wore (I am curious, did they curse at you in English?). Throughout it all, whether being hit on by women or being bated into a confrontation with protesters, I have tried to remain a man of honorable character displaying patience, strength and poise.

I believe that with my character, ability to think logically and reasonably in stressful situations and my dedication to see freedom and justice prevail, I can contribute greatly to ##### Law School. In attending, my experience and training as a Police Officer will bring a unique perspective and I greatly anticipate attending your institution (This is a great conclusion to a diversity statement but i would write a statement on how your life experience inspired you to go to law school and what you would like to do with a law degree).


Above are just my opinion. Great stuff sir.

BTW, i was under the impression that "cops" is somewhat a deragotory term for depicting police officers and i am somewhat surprised that you refer to yourself and your collegues as such. Anyways, if you're on patrol tonight, B Safe.

User avatar
coobs
Posts: 46
Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:05 am

Re: Feedback please...Police PS

Postby coobs » Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:11 pm

bfpanda, thanks for the critique - I really appreciate it. Overall you think its a well written statement that reflects who I am, my experience and what I can contribute to a law school?

In my experience, I've never met another cop who was insulted with that word 'cop'. Maybe outside of ny its a big deal, but not in the city or surrounding areas. 'Pig', however, is another story =)




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.