Police PS Critique Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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coobs
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Police PS Critique Please

Postby coobs » Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:16 am

edited
Last edited by coobs on Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Moon_Man
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Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby Moon_Man » Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:47 am

What you need to do is to put the beginning of your 2nd paragraph, "Though somewhat of a cliché...," as the VERY FIRST line of the essay and then go from there, expanding on why you became a cop and how, despite the cliche, the work is meaningful. From there, you need to transition into talking about law and how you are a good fit. Think deeply about yourself and your values, and let that shine through in your writing. Recounting your activities on the job, as commendable as they may be, is not going to give the admissions people a good idea of who you are.

I am not exactly sure why you included the anecdote about the crime scene at all- surely you did a good job but it doesn't really say much about you as a future law student.

There are also idiomatic, usage, and wording errors throughout and you should get a careful proofreader.

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coobs
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Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby coobs » Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:53 pm

thank you for your input.

Anyone else? Please...this is a first draft and as I've never written anything like this before, I'd like as much additional feedback as can be given.

(the reason I started with the 1st paragraph was to capture the readers attention)

thanks!

Wahoo Law
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Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby Wahoo Law » Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:49 pm

The subject is worthwhile, but you don't necessarily need to be so explicit with why you want to go to law school. I would concentrate more on the thematic elements of your statement. What does this mean to you? What do you know about yourself re: this experience? What did you take away from it? What about it resonates with who you are?

Just my two cents. Good luck!

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coobs
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Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby coobs » Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:07 pm

Is this any better guys/gals?

edited
Last edited by coobs on Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

legallybound
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:33 am

Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby legallybound » Thu Feb 04, 2010 10:17 am

coobs wrote:Is this any better guys/gals?

As a Police Officer, my days at work are rarely routine. Many times I have been [strike]caught in the middle of[/strike]interupted from writing a report or investigating a less serious crime [strike]when I’ve been abruptly interrupted[/strike]by the hurried voice of a dispatcher requesting my response to ‘a baby having difficulty breathing’ or ‘shots fired’ at a specific location. While in the midst of chaotic and [strike]often[/strike] life altering situations [strike]for those involved[/strike], I [strike]have had to be[/strike]become a voice of reason, exemplifying strength and compassion while not getting lost in the emotions of the moment…a skill[strike]s[/strike] that many people[strike]are sometimes[/strike] never learn[strike]ed by some[/strike].Sentence is awkward, I'm just not sure quite how to fix it.

For more than 15 years, I have [strike]actively been involved[/strike]volunteered at [strike]in[/strike] my church[strike]; volunteering thousands of hours[/strike]by leading worship [strike]and speaking[/strike] in front of hundreds of people[strike],[/strike]organizing and teaching [strike]at[/strike] small groups, and mentoring [strike]people[/strike]members (other people/ be more specific). My faith in God and perseverance(word choice, persevered doing what?) in the church has helped mold my character in such a way that I can be that strength, that voice of reason in an otherwise riotous situations.I would honestly get rid of this paragraph. It doesn't fit with the flow of you PS. While being the voice of reason is a good message, I would just focus on one previous experience with it.

I will never forget the first time I saw a male [strike]shot[/strike]murdered (there is no mention of him getting shot in the story be more clear). The scene unfolded so quickly, yet seemed to be playing itself out in slow motion. It was ###, 200@ and I was working overtime as a #### Police Officer outside of a #### club. Gunshots rang and I immediately jumped out of a cold van. My heart racing furiously, I radioed to the dispatcher “shots fired…shots fired at ##### …parking garage north of club ##### ”. I began to cautiously run towards the parking garage where the gunshots came from with three other [strike]cops[/strike]officers (more professional sounding) [strike]I was working with[/strike]. I [strike]poked my head to look[/strike]peered into the driveway of the parking garage when I saw [strike]approximately (be confident)[/strike] 3 [strike]black (not relevant, and I imagine some AdComms my view the detail differently)[/strike] [strike]males[/strike]men kicking and punching another [strike]black male[/strike]man on the floor with dozens of onlookers. With our guns drawn, we ran in yelling ‘Police don’t move!’, but the 3 attackers jumped into a gray Chevy Impala and drove off through the opposite exit. As another cop helped give aid to the victim, I again got on my radio and told the dispatcher the description of the subjects, their car and direction of flight. I remember thinking the situation was so surreal, but I [strike]kept at my job as[/strike]focused on my duties until the EMT’s, now on scene, rushed the victim to the hospital where he ultimately died [strike]from his wounds[/strike]. He was murdered. [strike]Sometime[/strike] later, I learned that another team of [strike]cops[/strike]officers caught the attackers [strike]and I was commended for[/strike]by using my description [strike]which helped lead to their capture[/strike].

New ParagraphThat night symbolized why I became a cop and why I have decided to go to Law School[strike]…[/strike]--to selflessly serve and protect my country. [strike]That night, however,[/strike]It could have ended without the capture of the subjects [strike]who shot and mercilessly beat the victim[/strike] had it not been for the skills I learned being a police officer and the qualities I had possessed stemming from my relationship with God and my time spent in leadership at my church(Ok, I think adding your religious experiences is good now, you just need to elaborate on it earlier. Essentially, what/how did you learn). There have been many instances I can recall where other cops have, in stressful situations, forgot critical descriptions of fleeing subjects. [strike]and[/strike]They have screamed into their [strike]hand-held[/strike]radios causing not control and _____, butonly [strike]more[/strike] fear and confusion.

[strike]Though somewhat of a cliché, I really did become a police officer ‘to give back’ to my country. Witnessing the disgusting attacks of 9/11 and the pain it caused New York & the United States, I realized the desire I had to ‘do something’ must be fulfilled and shortly after I became a ### Police officer. My career in law enforcement has thus far proved fruitful as I have had the opportunity to be trained as an FBI ##### Instructor, Certified through US Homeland Security in Weapons of Mass Destruction Protective Measures & certified through the ##### in Citywide and National Incident Management. My law enforcement experience now spans over more than half a decade where I have witnessed stabbings, shootings, armed robberies, burglaries and most other crimes you can think of. I have helped talk people out of committing suicide yet aided in females giving birth. I have given countless tourists directions, yet have had criminals cursing me because of the uniform I wore. Throughout it all, whether being hit on by women or being bated into a confrontation with protesters, I have tried to remain a man of honorable character displaying patience, strength and poise.[/strike](Whoah, where did this topic come from? It doesn't fit the rest of the statement

I believe that with my character, ability to think logically and reasonably in stressful situations [strike]and my dedication to see freedom and justice prevail[/strike], I can contribute greatly [strike]to ##### Law School[/strike]as a lawyer (remember you want to be a lawyer, not a law student).[strike]In attending, my experience and training as a Police Officer will bring a unique perspective and I greatly anticipate attending your institution.[/strike]


See comments above.

I think it is a great story, but be sure to stay on topic. Keep it focused, yet elaborate we can get a whole picture of you.

legallybound
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:33 am

Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby legallybound » Thu Feb 04, 2010 10:18 am

legallybound wrote:
coobs wrote:Is this any better guys/gals?

As a Police Officer, my days at work are rarely routine. Many times I have been [strike]caught in the middle of[/strike]interupted from writing a report or investigating a less serious crime [strike]when I’ve been abruptly interrupted[/strike]by the hurried voice of a dispatcher requesting my response to ‘a baby having difficulty breathing’ or ‘shots fired’ at a specific location. While in the midst of chaotic and [strike]often[/strike] life altering situations [strike]for those involved[/strike], I [strike]have had to be[/strike]become a voice of reason, exemplifying strength and compassion while not getting lost in the emotions of the moment…a skill[strike]s[/strike] that many people[strike]are sometimes[/strike] never learn[strike]ed by some[/strike].Sentence is awkward, I'm just not sure quite how to fix it.

For more than 15 years, I have [strike]actively been involved[/strike]volunteered at [strike]in[/strike] my church[strike]; volunteering thousands of hours[/strike]by leading worship [strike]and speaking[/strike] in front of hundreds of people[strike],[/strike]organizing and teaching [strike]at[/strike] small groups, and mentoring [strike]people[/strike]members (other people/ be more specific). My faith in God and perseverance(word choice, persevered doing what?) in the church has helped mold my character in such a way that I can be that strength, that voice of reason in an otherwise riotous situations.I would honestly get rid of this paragraph. It doesn't fit with the flow of you PS. While being the voice of reason is a good message, I would just focus on one previous experience with it.

I will never forget the first time I saw a male [strike]shot[/strike]murdered (there is no mention of him getting shot in the story be more clear). The scene unfolded so quickly, yet seemed to be playing itself out in slow motion. It was ###, 200@ and I was working overtime as a #### Police Officer outside of a #### club. Gunshots rang and I immediately jumped out of a cold van. My heart racing furiously, I radioed to the dispatcher “shots fired…shots fired at ##### …parking garage north of club ##### ”. I began to cautiously run towards the parking garage where the gunshots came from with three other [strike]cops[/strike]officers (more professional sounding) [strike]I was working with[/strike]. I [strike]poked my head to look[/strike]peered into the driveway of the parking garage when I saw [strike]approximately (be confident)[/strike] 3 [strike]black (not relevant, and I imagine some AdComms my view the detail differently)[/strike] [strike]males[/strike]men kicking and punching another [strike]black male[/strike]man on the floor with dozens of onlookers. With our guns drawn, we ran in yelling ‘Police don’t move!’, but the 3 attackers jumped into a gray Chevy Impala and drove off through the opposite exit. As another cop helped give aid to the victim, I again got on my radio and told the dispatcher the description of the subjects, their car and direction of flight. I remember thinking the situation was so surreal, but I [strike]kept at my job as[/strike]focused on my duties until the EMT’s, now on scene, rushed the victim to the hospital where he ultimately died [strike]from his wounds[/strike]. He was murdered. [strike]Sometime[/strike] later, I learned that another team of [strike]cops[/strike]officers caught the attackers [strike]and I was commended for[/strike]by using my description [strike]which helped lead to their capture[/strike].

New ParagraphThat night symbolized why I became a cop and why I have decided to go to Law School[strike]…[/strike]--to selflessly serve and protect my country. [strike]That night, however,[/strike]It could have ended without the capture of the subjects [strike]who shot and mercilessly beat the victim[/strike] had it not been for the skills I learned being a police officer and the qualities I had possessed stemming from my relationship with God and my time spent in leadership at my church(Ok, I think adding your religious experiences is good now, you just need to elaborate on it earlier. Essentially, what/how did you learn). There have been many instances I can recall where other cops have, in stressful situations, forgot critical descriptions of fleeing subjects. [strike]and[/strike]They have screamed into their [strike]hand-held[/strike]radios causing not control and _____, butonly [strike]more[/strike] fear and confusion.

[strike]Though somewhat of a cliché, I really did become a police officer ‘to give back’ to my country. Witnessing the disgusting attacks of 9/11 and the pain it caused New York & the United States, I realized the desire I had to ‘do something’ must be fulfilled and shortly after I became a ### Police officer. My career in law enforcement has thus far proved fruitful as I have had the opportunity to be trained as an FBI ##### Instructor, Certified through US Homeland Security in Weapons of Mass Destruction Protective Measures & certified through the ##### in Citywide and National Incident Management. My law enforcement experience now spans over more than half a decade where I have witnessed stabbings, shootings, armed robberies, burglaries and most other crimes you can think of. I have helped talk people out of committing suicide yet aided in females giving birth. I have given countless tourists directions, yet have had criminals cursing me because of the uniform I wore. Throughout it all, whether being hit on by women or being bated into a confrontation with protesters, I have tried to remain a man of honorable character displaying patience, strength and poise.[/strike](Whoah, where did this topic come from? It doesn't fit the rest of the statement

I believe that with my character, ability to think logically and reasonably in stressful situations [strike]and my dedication to see freedom and justice prevail[/strike], I can contribute greatly [strike]to ##### Law School[/strike]as a lawyer (remember you want to be a lawyer, not a law student).[strike]In attending, my experience and training as a Police Officer will bring a unique perspective and I greatly anticipate attending your institution.[/strike]


See comments above.

I think it is a great story, but be sure to stay on topic. Keep it focused, yet elaborate we can get a whole picture of you.


Just saw the note about it being a first draft. It's very good for a first draft. Keep revising.

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oberlin08
Posts: 426
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:37 pm

Re: Police PS Critique Please

Postby oberlin08 » Thu Feb 04, 2010 10:22 am

I hope to meet people like you in LS




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