Non-Traditional Diversity Statement. Please critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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SMUDallas2010
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Non-Traditional Diversity Statement. Please critique!

Postby SMUDallas2010 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:24 pm

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Last edited by SMUDallas2010 on Tue Feb 02, 2010 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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SMUDallas2010
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2009 7:00 pm

Re: Non-Traditional Diversity Statement. Please critique!

Postby SMUDallas2010 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:41 pm

Pretty please?

kaya_belly
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Non-Traditional Diversity Statement. Please critique!

Postby kaya_belly » Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:36 am

My former president and COO once called me a “maverick” during a professional evaluation. With a smile on her face she said, “If you were to become an office manager under my supervision you would be a huge pain in my ass.” She elaborated and said I was the type of person who enjoys being given a task because I am capable of executing any assigned tasks brilliantly. She went on to say I was also the type of person who detests being told specifically how to go about accomplishing that task. I couldn’t have agreed more with her assessment. People who go through life abiding by an invisible set of rules no one has placed on them frustrate me. I also reject labeling others and myself, politically and otherwise, because there is always an exception to every rule. Moreover, there is always an opposing point of view, which implies one side is right and the other is wrong. I prefer to keep my mind open to possibilities and am not ashamed to change my mind or admit when I’m wrong. My beliefs are ever changing and fluid. Much like our justice system and the laws it creates.

I haven’t always been the self-confident person most of my close friends know me to be today, but I have always possessed unconventional tendencies. I am gay but have always eschewed the publically accepted stereotype of the effeminate gay man, another label that did not apply to me. Perhaps because of this, I became a very accomplished high school athlete. I played four years of varsity baseball and could throw an 88 mph fastball. I was also a perennial top ranked tennis player in the state of Texas and went on to have a successful collegiate tennis career as well. Despite my athletic skills I found it difficult to instinctively relate to my male peers. Being an accomplished athlete I was frequently around other male athletes, this only served to expose my social deficiencies; however, I refused to blame my lack of self-confidence (and friends) on the fact that I was gay. That would be placing too much importance on my sexuality and would give it more significance than I felt it deserved. Unlike most other coming out stories, I did not want to come out and then struggle to find peace with myself. Rather, I wanted to do it my way. This meant becoming comfortable in my own skin first, at which point I would then come out to those people who meant the most to me.

After two failed attempts to fit in at two different schools my freshman year, I fortuitously discovered Blank College where I enrolled in fall 1997 as a sophomore. It was here I found a social environment in which I thrived. I am honestly unable to articulate why things were different for me here other than I simply arrived in the right place at the right time in my life. Nevertheless, being unable to relate to many of my peers during my teenage years allowed me to genuinely appreciate my newfound social status in college. I consistently championed and engaged my fellow students, regardless of their social standing; something I wished others had done for me in high school. I joined a fraternity, something I never anticipated I would be able to do, and was nominated for Homecoming King my senior year, which bolstered my self-confidence to unprecedented heights. It was an amazing feeling to finally have friends from across all social strata who liked me for who I was as a person and nothing more. Admittedly, my social growth during my time at Blank College distracted me from my academic studies and contributed to a less-than-stellar undergraduate GPA, but I have no regrets. My academic and social experiences at Blank College were responsible for laying the foundation for my post-college success.

Several years after graduating from college I was asked to serve on the Blank College Alumni Board. It is here, among my fellow graduates from all decades and across many different professions, I have grown to value education and have honed my leadership skills. Additionally, working amongst a group of individuals with such varying interests has taught me to be shrewd yet compassionate. In addition to volunteering my time to recruit students and attend college fairs at local Dallas high schools, I also chaired the committee that is responsible for establishing Blank College’s first ever on campus tailgate event during Homecoming. The event is now in its fifth year and continues to grow in attendance. Being a part of, and experiencing, institutional issues such as fundraising, budget cuts, expansion, curriculum changes, etc. from the college administration’s point of view has given me tremendous insight and respect for education. Because of these insights I have a healthy and well-rounded appreciation of the educational process and no longer view higher education as a means to an end. Utilizing these experiences helped me to achieve a 4.0 GPA during my masters program, which is also where I first discovered my growing interest in becoming a college professor.

I am applying to ABC School of Law not as an immature idealist naively hoping to change the world. Nor am I applying to law school because I have been laid off, or because I dislike my current career. On the contrary, I am applying to ABC School of Law as a successful business professional and experienced leader with clear goals and a fervent desire to utilize my dormant skills and talents in order to take advantage of the opportunities your part-time evening program offers. My leadership skills, academic success and professional achievements since graduating from college demonstrate I possess the qualities necessary to succeed in law school and beyond. Moreover, I believe my varied experiences and maturity make me an inimitable candidate that will add to the breadth of the ABC School of Law academic community.


I think that your former president's discussion goes on too long. I don't know if you need it at all.

I would not use contractions (I'm, couldn't)

Being an accomplished athlete I was frequently around other male athletes, this only served to expose my social deficiencies; however, I refused to blame my lack of self-confidence (and friends) on the fact that I was gay.

You need a comma after "accomplished athlete" and a period after "male athletes." Or you need to reword it. As it is, you have two complete sentences seperated with a comma - comma splice.

I consistently championed and engaged my fellow students, regardless of their social standing; something I wished others had done for me in high school

That bothers me a bit. "Regardless of their social standing"......what social standing? Also, lose the semi-colon. Reword it or use a comma instead.

Admittedly, my social growth during my time at Blank College distracted me from my academic studies and contributed to a less-than-stellar undergraduate GPA, but I have no regrets.

I know that you are using this to set up your discussion of how you matured in graduate school, etc..., but the "no regrets" still doesn't sit well with me.

Other than that, I really like it.




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