thanks...done

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

thanks...done

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:15 pm

not sure how to delete yet but thanks for your help...
Last edited by daizee on Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Dr. Review
Posts: 1797
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:51 am

Re: I'm terrified to submit this text

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:40 pm

daizee wrote:I could have been nothing more than a statistic. I could have been one of the nameless millions who succumbed to the ravages of poverty, war, addiction, and abuse. I could have been any one of the dead or walking dead. That I’m among the living continues to surprise me. That I lost one life saddens me. That I have this second life from the ashes of my past gives me heart and commitment to spend this one in deference, perhaps reverence, for that life lost. That life, though gone, prepared me well for the study and practice of law in ways I could not have predicted.


Somewhere in here, I was looking for a location that would put you in dangers like the ones you described. You said you traveled to war torn countries, but you never really address where they are or why you did.

daizee wrote:As with many parents, neither of mine had any schooling for marriage or parenthood, and I matured without awareness of the nature of real love or healthy relationships.


There is something a bit awkward about the wording here. I can't decide what it is exactly. Maybe something like "As with many parents, neither my mother or father had...' This might just be me though, consult with someone else before you think about changing that.

daizee wrote:Even though I was a strong character, I wasn't a match.


To me, this says that you were a strong character, as in a book. I might go with something along the lines of "Even though I possessed great strength of character" or something along those lines. Also "I wasn't a match" leads me to think that you weren't compatible. Try "I was no match."

daizee wrote:The beginning of salvation for me came in the form of a woman, Adele, who had recently escaped her abuser, with the aid of the legal system, and lived with her 5 children.


I feel as though this may be a tad over punctuated. You might want to take the comma between "abuser" and "with the aid..." out. Again, you might want to consult your local English major before you do that. I'm just a lab rat, what do I know about commas?

daizee wrote:Utah was safety from abuser.


Try "Utah provided safety from my abuser" or "Utah meant safety from my abuser." At the very least, you need the word "my" or "the" before the word abuser.

daizee wrote:I wasted away and was one incredibly bewildered, lost soul.


This is a little passive for me. I like "I wasted away and became one incredibly..."

daizee wrote:Mercifully, I escaped six years ago again with the assistance of a kind counselor and the legal system.


"Mercifully, and with the assistance of a kind counselor and the legal system, I escaped again six years ago" or "Mercifully, I escaped again with the assistance of a kind counselor and the legal system." Either way, it's really up to you.

This is a very heartfelt, real story about your life. I applaud you for your success and I think that this experience will provide you with opportunities at attending a better school. The only other thing that I might change is that you may want to personalize the last paragraph for the school(s) that receive this PS. Let them know why you want to go there, specifically, as opposed to somewhere else.

Again, I'm no literary critic, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

P.S.

If you get a few minutes to look over mine, it would be greatly appreciated. It's posted on this forum as "Need another set of eyes! Critique away!" or something along those lines.

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daizee
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2010 1:16 am

Re: I'm terrified to submit this text

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:50 pm

Thank you SOOO much bedsole. Your comments are helpful and I'm working on fine-tuning it all. I just didn't know if it was too sad. I'm going to look at your statement right now!




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