PS first draft... I appreciate your input!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:55 pm

PS first draft... I appreciate your input!!

Postby mplsrhymesayer » Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:02 pm

Boots gripping the flight deck non-skid and hot catapult steam engulfing the air, my bones rattled as the F-14 Tomcat thrust in to full power. Under tension, the steel war fighting bird was preparing for a night mission over the turmoil ridden land of ancient Babylon. As a flight deck aircraft director, I gave the final hand signal for launch and the Tomcat burst down the catapult at over 200 mph. The unique and exhilarating opportunity to serve my country aboard the flight deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. John F. Kennedy encouraged me to test my audacity and helped squash my fears. Four years of my life was supplemented with extraordinary Navy experiences chalk full of ups, downs, 16 hour work days, Persian Gulf port visits, sweat, aircraft fuel, group camaraderie, questionable food and haze gray paint. Departing the service was bittersweet but it was time to embark on an educational journey to test my mind and further expand my knowledge.

A deep interest in politics surfaced early on in my childhood. One of my initial memories concerning the unique structure of the United States’ government dates back to my 5th grade elementary classroom. Permanently pasted deep in my long term memory is a wall poster shaped in a triangle stapled to the classroom wall. Each point of the triangle represented a branch of the United States’ government, while the triangle as a whole represented the checks and balances among the three branches. I recall analyzing this triangle and pondering its governmental effects. This was the defining moment that I knew the composition and functions of American governance was excitingly unique, stimulating my curiosity and fueling a lifelong passion for the social sciences.

From a young age I thought critically of most things I was presented. I am sure all of the general questioning that constantly poured from my mouth annoyed my parents but thankfully they deeply encouraged it anyhow. The desire to question motives and the constant search for explanations were reoccurring patterns in my life as I aged into my teenage years. Joining the Navy out of high school, my knack for analytical and critical thinking forced me to question the motives for the “War on Terrorism.” Over half of the missions I participated in were involved in protecting oil wells, a task I had a difficult time identifying the worth in risking one’s life over. Docking at a few Middle Eastern sea ports, I met many locals who were, despite media coverage back home, very kind and accepting people. Working on the aircraft carrier’s flight deck in dangerous life threatening conditions, it was imperative to keep the conflict of my conscious in constant check. I would have to wait until the mission was over to further evaluate my positions on this complicated matter. At that time I knew that being patient would eventually pay off so I developed a plan to make this payoff happen. When I departed active duty, it was my main goal to use all of my energy to formulate the largest contribution to society I physically and mentally could. Hitting the books, I placed the entirety of my vigor into undergraduate school and quickly graduated with high honors in only three years after my armed forces departure. Additionally, I was working twenty hours per week in the hospitality industry to help supplement my G.I. Bill assistance while attending the University of North Florida in Jacksonville. Applying the same energy and dedication to an education in law, I seek to achieve parallel success.

Career wise, I simply aspire to never sell myself short of my capabilities. Earning a mass amount of Federal Reserve Notes has by no means ever been a desire of mine. I firmly yearn for a career in law that I find is the most constructive and beneficial to society rather than to my wallet. Attaining the qualifications to become a lawyer in the United States of America, I believe, is a livelihood that I was destined to follow. I aim to obtain the resources and credentials to assist others on the individual level and later on confidently influence public policy on up to the highest levels.

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Dr. Review
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Re: PS first draft... I appreciate your input!!

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:46 pm

I just skimmed over it a bit, and I can tell that punctuation is going to need some fine tuning. Try reading it aloud, see if it flows well to you with the current punctuation. If so, post on here again, and I'll see what I can do. I will warn you though, I am a chemistry major, so I give amateur advice on this type of thing.

I'll look over it again later for content if I get the chance.

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