Anyone have input on my PS?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kaya_belly
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:00 pm

Anyone have input on my PS?

Postby kaya_belly » Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:31 pm

Thanks!
Last edited by kaya_belly on Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Anyone have input on my PS?

Postby Irrelephant » Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:59 pm

This is a great PS. The conclusion wraps it up nicely.

The "virtual autism encyclopedia" is a bit awkward and the first paragraph could use some reworking.

kaya_belly
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Anyone have input on my PS?

Postby kaya_belly » Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:59 pm

Thank you for the feedback! You are absolutely right about the "virtual autism encyclopedia"....it's out. As far as the first paragraph, I have really struggled with it. I can at least say that it isn't the crap that it once was, but I know it still needs work. Thanks again.

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Anyone have input on my PS?

Postby Irrelephant » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:46 pm

1st paragraph isn't bad.. It is just a little too descriptive and it kind of takes away from the purpose of your PS.

Id appreciate some feedback on mine if you have some time on your hands.

User avatar
ravens20
Posts: 192
Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:17 pm

Re: Anyone have input on my PS?

Postby ravens20 » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:51 pm

Good overall essay. The first paragraph seemed too flowery at times; you would be better served getting to the point of the essay in a more direct fashion. Also, in the sentence beginning with "Next" in the first paragraph, I don't think you need a comma.




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