Please Edit and/or Trade With me!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
diblasz
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 10:30 am

Please Edit and/or Trade With me!

Postby diblasz » Sat Jan 30, 2010 10:33 am

:

Hi!
I am new here, and would like to post my personal statement for your pleasurable revision.

LSAT-164
GPA- 3.36

Thanks!

I am the oldest of five girls in my family. This is a statistic that is met, invariably, with expressions of surprise, shock, and even horror. „Your poor Dad!” people will say, and then follow up with a generality about the importance of being a role model to my younger siblings. It is an exchange I have at least once a week , even more often if I have a job interview or am seated next to an especially inquisitive stranger on the subway. Yet I rarely thought about the demographics of my family until I decided to attend law school. I realized that I have had 19 years of preparation to be a lawyer already, simply by being an older sister.
As the oldest, I am regularly deferred to as the source of authority and knowledge in the household. I am consulted to explain movies I have never seen, translate words in languages I have never learned, and help with reports on books I have never read. I must always be ready to gather information, investigate and evaluate. This role of mediator and interpreter is one that comes naturally to me. I do not limit myself to what I know for sure. Instead, I am willing to take a risk, to learn something I do not know if I believe that knowledge will help others. This is what drew me initially to the study of law. I see in it a similar necessity of intrepidness and willingness to find solutions to problems, no matter the cost or effort required.
My family is unique apart from its size. My parents immigrated from Poland a mere couple months before I was born. I went to kindergarten not knowing any English. As I grew up, I became better informed than my parents about the goings on in their adopted home, and thus duties such as calling credit card companies or helping with English homework were delegated to me. As a child I was frustrated with the cultural confusion of my household, but it has since proven a benefit.
In 2008, I accompanied my youngest sister Ania to Poland. I volunteer with a non-profit theatre organization in Washington, D.C., which conducts an outreach program with D.C. public schools, allowing students from economically disadvantaged areas of the city to attend free theatre programs and performances. Over the summer, a group of these children, and my little sister, were invited to perform across the country and for the First Lady of Poland. For the children, it was a unique opportunity to see the world, learn about a new culture, and enjoy a relaxing and fun vacation.
For me, it was a chance to draw from my 20 years of frustration stemming from the cultural differences I have to balance. Visas, immigration, child labor laws and the like had to be navigated. Thankfully, my years of translating between Polish and English, both in language and in custom, allowed me to more efficiently brdige the gap between the laws and the cultures of my two homelands. I was made acutely aware of the necessity of communication and mutual understanding between nations, and the mistakes than can occur when laws are not understood and respected.
My time volunteering abroad strengthened my resolve to practice international law. I believe that I can effectively draw upon my personal heritage and my international experience and add a unique perspective to your program at _____________.

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CardinalRules
Posts: 2332
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 5:20 pm

Re: Please Edit and/or Trade With me!

Postby CardinalRules » Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:57 am

diblasz wrote::

Hi!
I am new here, and would like to post my personal statement for your pleasurable revision.

LSAT-164
GPA- 3.36

Thanks!

I am the oldest of five girls in my family. This is a statistic that is met, invariably, with expressions of surprise, shock, and even horror. „Your poor Dad!” people will say, and then follow up with a generality about the importance of being a role model to my younger siblings. It is an exchange I have at least once a week , even more often if I have a job interview or am seated next to an especially inquisitive stranger on the subway. Yet I rarely thought about the demographics of my family until I decided to attend law school. I realized that I have had 19 years of preparation to be a lawyer already, simply by being an older sister.
As the oldest, I am regularly deferred to as the source of authority and knowledge in the household. I am consulted to explain movies I have never seen, translate words in languages I have never learned, and help with reports on books I have never read. I must always be ready to gather information, investigate and evaluate. This role of mediator and interpreter is one that comes naturally to me. I do not limit myself to what I know for sure. Instead, I am willing to take a risk, to learn something I do not know if I believe that knowledge will help others. This is what drew me initially to the study of law. I see in it a similar necessity of intrepidness and willingness to find solutions to problems, no matter the cost or effort required.
My family is unique apart from its size. My parents immigrated from Poland a mere couple months before I was born. I went to kindergarten not knowing any English. As I grew up, I became better informed than my parents about the goings on in their adopted home, and thus duties such as calling credit card companies or helping with English homework were delegated to me. As a child I was frustrated with the cultural confusion of my household, but it has since proven a benefit.
In 2008, I accompanied my youngest sister Ania to Poland. I volunteer with a non-profit theatre organization in Washington, D.C., which conducts an outreach program with D.C. public schools, allowing students from economically disadvantaged areas of the city to attend free theatre programs and performances. Over the summer, a group of these children, and my little sister, were invited to perform across the country and for the First Lady of Poland. For the children, it was a unique opportunity to see the world, learn about a new culture, and enjoy a relaxing and fun vacation.
For me, it was a chance to draw from my 20 years of frustration stemming from the cultural differences I have to balance. Visas, immigration, child labor laws and the like had to be navigated. Thankfully, my years of translating between Polish and English, both in language and in custom, allowed me to more efficiently brdige the gap between the laws and the cultures of my two homelands. I was made acutely aware of the necessity of communication and mutual understanding between nations, and the mistakes than can occur when laws are not understood and respected.
My time volunteering abroad strengthened my resolve to practice international law. I believe that I can effectively draw upon my personal heritage and my international experience and add a unique perspective to your program at _____________.


If I were you, I would focus the PS around your Polish heritage and the experience that you had on your trip to Poland. It's a lot more unique than being an older sister and more inspiring to read.

User avatar
JustDude
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:07 pm

Re: Please Edit and/or Trade With me!

Postby JustDude » Sun Feb 07, 2010 6:04 am

Hi!
I am new here, and would like to post my personal statement for your pleasurable revision.


But of course!

LSAT-164
GPA- 3.36

Thanks!


Dont mention it!

I am the oldest of five girls in my family. This is a statistic that is met, invariably, with expressions of surprise, shock, and even horror. „Your poor Dad!” people will say, and then follow up with a generality about the importance of being a role model to my younger siblings. It is an exchange I have at least once a week , even more often if I have a job interview or am seated next to an especially inquisitive stranger on the subway.


Sorry, but do you have a habit of telling strangers in subway about your sisters? I mean if that was so frustrating to participate in those discussions, just dont metion it.


Yet I rarely thought about the demographics of my family until I decided to attend law school. I realized that I have had 19 years of preparation to be a lawyer already, simply by being an older sister.


Really??? Wow. I mean you know that law proffessors will possibly read that. Dont you think they will be offended???.. I mean just imagine that you graduated medical school, did residency, conducted cancer aids alzhaimers research for twenty years and then you read from some undergrad that his wearing at home his mom's lab coat since he was a kid for 19 years already count as 19 years of preparation to be a medical researcher. You wouldnt like it would you? You probably would resent it a bit.

As the oldest, I am regularly deferred to as the source of authority and knowledge in the household. I am consulted to explain movies I have never seen, translate words in languages I have never learned, and help with reports on books I have never read.


Yeah, so your sisters dont know the clue about you???.. They dont know which languages you speak. They just randomly come to you and ask. Hey How would be ******** in Aramaic. What about Sanskrit???. Thats a funny hpousehold. Plus your answer is easy here - I havent seen, I havent read I havent study the language. You probably can improve much by saying that they came to you for life advice. "What should I do in....." and "In *****" etc. Here, you are morally obliged to help your sisters with life advise, since, supposedly, you have more life experience.

I must always be ready to gather information, investigate and evaluate. This role of mediator and interpreter is one that comes naturally to me. I do not limit myself to what I know for sure. Instead, I am willing to take a risk, to learn something I do not know


Are you saying that learning something new is taking the risk???.. On the other hand learning about evolution in rural alabama could be risky, but that the only example that comes to mind so far.

if I believe that knowledge will help others.


Except knowledge about nuclear fission

This is what drew me initially to the study of law.


Antecedentless pronoun. Seriously what "this" refers to? And no this is not a grammar question.

I see in it a similar necessity of intrepidness and willingness to find solutions to problems, no matter the cost or effort required.


I hope you are not applying to JD/MBA joint programm. Definetly flawed cost/benefit analysis

My family is unique apart from its size. My parents immigrated from Poland a mere couple months before I was born.


Good timing. That makes you a 100% naturally born American citizen. Can be a president.

I went to kindergarten not knowing any English.


Thats normal here. Even if you had two english speaking parents

As I grew up, I became better informed than my parents about the goings on in their adopted home, and thus duties such as calling credit card companies or helping with English homework were delegated to me. As a child I was frustrated with the cultural confusion of my household, but it has since proven a benefit.


You can prove a theorem, but not a benefit. Also, why so negative about your parents. They brought you here. They made you who you are.

In 2008, I accompanied my youngest sister Ania to Poland.


"Ania" is a non-restrictive appositive, and should be punctuated. Unless of course she has a twin.

I volunteer with a non-profit theatre organization in Washington, D.C., which conducts an outreach program with D.C. public schools, allowing students from economically disadvantaged areas of the city to attend free theatre programs and performances. Over the summer, a group of these children, and my little sister, were invited to perform across the country and for the First Lady of Poland. For the children, it was a unique opportunity to see the world, learn about a new culture, and enjoy a relaxing and fun vacation.


For me, it was a chance to draw from my 20 years of frustration stemming from the cultural differences I have to balance. Visas, immigration, child labor laws and the like had to be navigated.
Thankfully, my years of translating between Polish and English, both in language and in custom, allowed me to more efficiently brdige the gap between the laws and the cultures of my two homelands. I was made acutely aware of the necessity of communication and mutual understanding between nations,

Between nations? You so far described (and only little) your household polish-american relations. And now you are implying there were some "nation level" implications?


and the mistakes than can occur when laws are not understood and respected.
My time volunteering abroad strengthened my resolve to practice international law. I believe that I can effectively draw upon my personal heritage


cultural heritage

and my international experience


Taking youngest sister Ania to birthpalce of your parents doesnt count as one

and add a unique perspective to your program at _____________.


Overall not that bad. Its definately dosnt say anything bad about you, but very little positive. For some reason it made me think that you are a candid honest person. You can rewite it by starting with youngest sister Ania trip. Then you can write that this trip evoked emotions of your second motherland. You went there. Customs, people, laws are different yet similar. Write about some polish american relationships. Describe that you were able to connect with both polish and american sides your yourself.

But take this advice with a grain of doubt. I do have a bias. Poland was the best european country I have ever visited. Psheprashem bardzo, chi to est dvozhec centralnyi?.. Happened to be kings castle.




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