All help was appreciated. PS has been submitted

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Dr. Review
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All help was appreciated. PS has been submitted

Postby Dr. Review » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:09 am

Thanks for the help :)
Last edited by Dr. Review on Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:21 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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James Bond
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby James Bond » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:10 am

I don't meant to be a dick, but I was honestly going to read it until I looked at the pillar of text you put before me. Please edit it so that it is able to be read...

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:24 am

biv0ns wrote:I don't meant to be a dick, but I was honestly going to read it until I looked at the pillar of text you put before me. Please edit it so that it is able to be read...



Yeah, sorry about that. On a different computer, so I copied it from a PDF copy that I had in my sent folder of my email.

Should be fixed.

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James Bond
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby James Bond » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:26 am

Bedsole wrote:Personal Statement

For the majority of people my age, life becomes clearly defined, or so we think, somewhere between the ages of seventeen and twenty two. There are those who find life’s calling even earlier, but for most people, it isn’t until we reach our undergraduate institutions that we can finally begin our pursuit in earnest. Most young adults base their futures on hopes, dreams, and what they intend to learn. For me, this ‘defining moment’ has been more along the lines of two years, and came later than I would have guessed. I spent my undergraduate years studying to become a high school chemistry teacher. In fact, I had the perfect scholarship for the job. I was a North Carolina Teaching Fellow, a program that provides some of the state's most promising future teachers with invaluable diversity training, cultural enrichment, and community service opportunities. I thought that this would be the perfect career for me. My student teaching internship proved to be challenging, rewarding, and at times, even entertaining. Still, something was missing. After being offered a few teaching jobs, I didn’t see anything in the field that appealed to me. Instead, I took a laboratory job at a bio-tech company, and decided to stick to the private industry. The money was better, and it had much greater opportunity for advancement.

Initially, the money and advancement opportunities were the driving force for my choice of jobs. These motivating factors would only last for a few weeks though, as I started to see the impact of my work. Each task that I performed impacted not only my coworkers, but it was also a part of something bigger. Talecris Biotherapeutics, my current employer, is a business that makes blood plasma derived products, primarily for people with rare autoimmune diseases. Every blood sample that passes through the lab is representative of a unit of plasma that goes into a life-saving drug. From day one, I did my best to become a subject matter expert in every realm possible within the lab. I quickly became a corporate on the job trainer, which suited my extensive training in education. It didn't stop there, though. I have ensured that everything that I do from the time I enter the building is at the highest standard, and I motivate my coworkers to do the same. We work with the knowledge that every sample marked positive for a virus is a sample that we don't need to worry about, should we ever fall ill and need the very products that we produce. In my enthusiasm to do well as a young, up and coming employee, I joined multiple committees devoted to workplace improvements in ways such as job safety and morale.

The last two years have provided me with a new found sense of ambition and hope for the future. I decided though, that I could not limit myself to the repetitive tasks of the blood testing lab, however important those tasks may be. I needed a way to apply my finely honed communication skills, both written and oral. I needed the chance to make a greater impact, and with it all the necessary challenges. I sought long and hard over the course of two years for the career that could provide these things. After much thought, there was really only one career that stood out in my mind: LAW. With my technical background in chemistry and work experience in a bio-tech field, I noted how suited I would be for intellectual property and corporate law. What could possibly be a better way to apply my skills than to ensure that every contract, every developing product, every regulatory document would be legally sound? I can think of no greater impact on a company such as my current employer than that of the general counsel. It would be my responsibility to ensure that in the development and production of life saving therapeutics, the company was observing all of the regulatory and legal guidelines, including the intellectual property concerns that come up so frequently in such a vastly innovative field.

I had always hoped that I would discover a career that suited me and my diverse skills as a communicator and as an educator. In the last two years, I have discovered that career, and I seek to achieve this goal through an education at your institution. [Here is where I put a few of the key points that led me to apply to the school, and why those things make it such a good fit for me.] I hope that you will consider me as strongly as I have considered you for the fall of 2010.


This is what I meant lol. I'll read it over and comment either tonight or tomorrow (it is 2 am :wink: )

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:33 am

Haha. Thanks for fixing it for me. Like you said, it's late.

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James Bond
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby James Bond » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:33 am

Haha it's cool. Welcome to TLS. :mrgreen:

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:06 pm

Trades are cool too

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Jan 31, 2010 3:57 pm

Really hoping to submit today or tomorrow if anyone has any input. Haven't heard a peep yet.

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:16 pm

For the majority of people my age, life becomes clearly defined, or so we think, somewhere between the ages of seventeen and twenty two. There are those who find life’s calling even earlier, but for most people, it isn’t until we reach our undergraduate institutions that we can finally begin our pursuit in earnest. Most young adults base their futures on hopes, dreams, and what they intend to learn.


Ok, finally trying to figure this out and help. I'm not clear on these first few intro sentences. Too much talk about 'most' 'majority' an it's confusing. What exactly is your stance?

Working on the rest:-)
Oh, and overall, I like it. Just needs some fine-tuning, and please, I'm not an expert on PSs. Please take all with lots of grains of salt!

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:19 pm

the money and advancement opportunities were the driving force

forces? not sure if plural in this case, perhaps look up definition

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:20 pm

impact of my work. Each task that I performed impacted not only my coworkers,

perhaps 'results' of my work?

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:23 pm

Yeah, after re-reading that part I took out the last sentence. When I wrote it, I was working towards another point, but I never developed it, and neglected to take out the sentence.

Basically what I am trying to say here is that most people my age knew what sort of work they wanted before they got to where I am. I, on the other hand, worked very hard towards one goal, then switched careers, and then figured out what I wanted to do long term, well after college.

I also noticed that 'impact' was repeated so closely to the first time... I think I'll go with results on the first one.

As for the force vs. forces, you're absolutely right, the [s] is necessary.

TarHeel2010
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby TarHeel2010 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:25 pm

Bedsole wrote:Personal Statement
For the majority of people my age, life becomes clearly defined, or so we think, somewhere between the ages of seventeen and twenty two. There are those who find life’s calling even earlier, but for most people, it isn’t until we reach our undergraduate institutions that we can finally begin our pursuit in earnest. Most young adults base their futures on hopes, dreams, and what they intend to learn. For me, this ‘defining moment’ has been more along the lines of two years, and came later than I would have guessed. I spent my undergraduate years studying to become a high school chemistry teacher. In fact, I had the perfect scholarship for the job.

I was a North Carolina Teaching Fellow, a program that provides some of the state's most promising future teachers with invaluable diversity training, cultural enrichment, and community service opportunities. I thought that this would be the perfect career for me. My student teaching internship proved to be challenging, rewarding, and at times, even entertaining. Still, something was missing. After being offered a few teaching jobs, I didn’t see anything in the field that appealed to me. Instead, I took a laboratory job at a bio-tech company, and decided to stick to the private industry. The money was better, and it had much greater opportunity for advancement.

Initially, the money and advancement opportunities were the driving force for my choice of jobs. These motivating factors would only last for a few weeks though, as I started to see the impact of my work. Each task that I performed impacted not only my coworkers, but it was also a part of something bigger. Talecris Biotherapeutics, my current employer, is a business that makes blood plasma derived products, primarily for people with rare autoimmune diseases. Every blood sample that passes through the lab is representative of a unit of plasma that goes into a life-saving drug. From day one, I did my best to become a subject matter expert in every realm possible within the lab. I quickly became a corporate on the job trainer, which suited my extensive training in education. It didn't stop there, though. I have ensured that everything that I do from the time I enter the building is at the highest standard, and I motivate my coworkers to do the same. We work with the knowledge that every sample marked positive for a virus is a sample that we don't need to worry about, should we ever fall ill and need the very products that we produce. In my enthusiasm to do well as a young, up and coming employee, I joined multiple committees devoted to workplace improvements in ways such as job safety and morale.

The last two years have provided me with a new found sense of ambition and hope for the future. I decided though, that I could not limit myself to the repetitive tasks of the blood testing lab, however important those tasks may be. I needed a way to apply my finely honed communication skills, both written and oral. I needed the chance to make a greater impact, and with it all the necessary challenges. I sought long and hard over the course of two years for the career that could provide these things. After much thought, there was really only one career that stood out in my mind: LAW. With my technical background in chemistry and work experience in a bio-tech field, I noted how suited I would be for intellectual property and corporate law. What could possibly be a better way to apply my skills than to ensure that every contract, every developing product, every regulatory document would be legally sound? I can think of no greater impact on a company such as my current employer than that of the general counsel. It would be my responsibility to ensure that in the development and production of life saving therapeutics, the company was observing all of the regulatory and legal guidelines, including the intellectual property concerns that come up so frequently in such a vastly innovative field.

I had always hoped that I would discover a career that suited me and my diverse skills as a communicator and as an educator. In the last two years, I have discovered that career, and I seek to achieve this goal through an education at your institution. [Here is where I put a few of the key points that led me to apply to the school, and why those things make it such a good fit for me.] I hope that you will consider me as strongly as I have considered you for the fall of 2010.



I know this is not the point of your post, but my boss actually works for Talecris...small world.

I'll read and post again with feedback.

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:26 pm

Haha, weird. I grew up 5 minutes from the main facility, and my mother works there... so yeah.

Also... how does your boss work there, if you don't?

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:26 pm

It didn't stop there, though. I

I didn't stop there... (again, just suggestions, I'm not sure what is best since I'm so overwhelmed with my own writing right now but thankful you helped!)

TarHeel2010
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby TarHeel2010 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:28 pm

Bedsole wrote:Haha, weird. I grew up 5 minutes from the main facility, and my mother works there... so yeah.

Also... how does your boss work there, if you don't?


Ha good question...I left my consulting job to move down to NC to gain residency...took the year off from the business world to do something I enjoyed (I know that is something most people on here would think is ridiculous) anyway I love kids so I've been nannying for the last year for this family. The dad works there and actually has been transfered overseas. So I'm moving with them until school starts....funny how opportunities arise.

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:29 pm

Most people my age knew what sort of work they wanted before they got to where I am. I, on the other hand, worked very hard towards one goal, then switched careers, and then figured out what I wanted to do long term, well after college.


OK...not perfect but LOTS easier to understand:-)

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:31 pm

building is held to the highest standard,

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:34 pm

see what you think about this change...I didn't like the reference to the tedious nature of the work...

The last two years have provided me with a newfound sense of ambition and hope for the future. I decided that I needed a way to apply my finely honed communication skills, both written and oral. I needed the chance to make a greater impact. I needed a new challenge.


newfound is one word according to microsoft word....

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:38 pm

[strike]I sought long and hard over the course of two years for the career that could provide these things.[/strike]There was really only one career that stood out in my mind: LAW.

See if less is more by eliminating the first sentence...

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:46 pm

I can think of no greater impact on a company such as my current employer than that of the general counsel.


Turn to a positive about how you CAN greatly impact/help/strategize/assist your current employer as general counsel.

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daizee
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby daizee » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:56 pm

just written a bit differently:


My responsibility would be to ensure that in the development and production of life saving therapeutics, the company observed all regulatory and legal guidelines, including the intellectual property concerns that come up so frequently in this vastly innovative field.

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Dr. Review
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Re: Need an extra set of eyes! Critique away!

Postby Dr. Review » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:56 pm

I'm working on a few edits now. The suggestions are greatly appreciated. I've been having some trouble getting anyone who would/could effectively critique my resume.

Does it do a good enough job of presenting my softs and my reason for law school? Or do you think the general form/content is fine?




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