Critique please (rush to submit) FINAL DRAFT?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Critique please (rush to submit) FINAL DRAFT?

Postby Irrelephant » Fri Jan 29, 2010 7:05 pm

So I was planning on waiting and applying next cycle but I just had the harsh realization that I'm not going to make enough money to comfortably put off law school. I'm also very excited to go to law school and I can't believe I was thinking about waiting!!! Probably submitting today or tomorrow and I would appreciate if anyone had any feedback on my PS. Thanks!

Final draft:

" At age six my family was severed by the untimely divorce of my parents. The result was limited visitation with my father and grocery shopping with government-issued food stamps. My mother, our sole provider, suddenly found herself working extra hours to support her two young children, and I found myself as my own primary caretaker, a difficult role for a child. After years of struggling to support her family, my mother worked her way to plentiful employment, and amongst it all, managed to find time to fall in love with my stepfather. My stepfather, a Los Angeles employment law and personal injury attorney, helped to fill a number of voids in all of our lives. My step-father was the first to open my eyes to a broader state of consciousness beyond the struggles that my own family had endured by fighting for the rights of the individual over the corporation in his law practice. It was because of this experience that I began to understand and develop a compassion for the plight of individuals and those less fortunate.

I further developed my social consciousness while working at the XX Public Defender's office. Prior to this internship, I often wondered how attorneys could represent individuals accused of crimes. However, my attitude changed when I took the lead on a multi-defendant case in which the defendants were charged with conspiracy to traffic narcotics. While working closely with our client and Deputy Public Defender XX, I came to realize that each and every person accused of a crime is not simply a number in a database, but an individual who is entitled to adequate representation and due process. A belief which was solidified when I was approached by the wife of our client after court. Distress emanated as she emphasized the effects of the case on her family who consequently would be deprived of their sole provider.

This experience began to resonate with my childhood conceptions of social justice as I saw a family about to be severed by the application of general laws to a specific case. Such an application brought with it a slew of charges for one illegal action and resulted in the possibility of two serious felony strikes and ultimately deportation. While the actions that resulted in the incarceration of our client were certainly to the detriment of society, this case highlighted the importance of our respective counsel and representation in preserving the right to due process. As we fought to preserve the rights of this particular individual by providing adequate counsel and narrowly defining the applicability of the relevant statutes to our case, XX and I were able to guarantee due process not only for our client, but for all individuals who may be charged with the crime.

Public interest advocates are able to serve the masses by first serving as the voice for one individual, and it is this relationship which allows me to relate my social consciousness to the legal profession. In taking the lead on this one case, I was able to reconcile my notion regarding the ethics in representing people accused of crimes by realizing that criminal defense serves the rights of all individuals. In doing so, XX and I were able to define the relevance of the statutes to our specific case and guarantee that only the applicable penalty would be imposed on our client and by extension, his family.

I am most drawn to the legal profession because of this unique opportunity to affect widespread societal change through local action. I am grateful for the perspective that I have cultivated throughout my life under my stepfather, as it has drawn me to a profession which allows for so much individual action. While this consciousness is one that I hopefully share with many of my colleagues, I realize that consciousness without action gets one nowhere and I am prepared to fully dedicate my life to the practice of law."
Last edited by Irrelephant on Mon Feb 01, 2010 1:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

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S de Garmeaux
Posts: 434
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2009 2:00 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby S de Garmeaux » Fri Jan 29, 2010 7:29 pm

Irrelephant wrote:
"At age six my family was severed by the untimely divorce of my parents. The result was limited visitation with my father and grocery shopping with government issued food stamps. My mother, our sole provider, suddenly found herself working extra hours to support her two young children, and I found myself as my own primary caretaker, a difficult role for a child. After years of struggling to support her family my mother worked her way to plentiful employment, and amongst it all, managed to find time to fall in love with my step-father. My step-father, a *Redacted* employment law and personal injury attorney, helped to fill a number of voids in all of our lives. For me, my step-father was the first to open my eyes to a broader state of consciousness outside the struggles that my own family had endured by always fighting for the rights of the individual over the corporation in his law practice. It was because of this experience that I began to understand and develop a compassion for the plight of those less fortunate.

My social consciousness was further developed during my time working at the *Redacted* Public Defender's office(too passive). Prior to working at this public interest firm(sounds weird) I often wondered how attorneys could represent individuals accused of heinous crimes and had several preconceived notions regarding their respective punishments. However, I was soon tasked(passive, want to emphasize you doing stuff, not stuff being done to you) with taking the lead on a multi-defendant case in which the defendants were charged with conspiracy to traffic narcotics. I was able to participate in conferences with our client through an interpreter with my immediate supervisor and confidant, Deputy Public Defender *Redacted*. Working closely with our client began to make me realize that each and every person accused of a crime has a unique history and identity, and is not simply a number in a database, a realization that was solidified when we were approached by the wife of our client after court. Distress and concern emanated as she emphasized the effects of the case on her family who consequently was deprived of their sole provider.


No time for the rest dooder

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby Irrelephant » Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:55 pm

bump

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby Irrelephant » Sat Jan 30, 2010 10:06 pm

I really need some advice on this statement.

kaya_belly
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby kaya_belly » Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:59 am

It's great. Here are a couple things, but I am certainly no expert...


"At age six my family was severed by the untimely divorce of my parents. The result was limited visitation with my father and grocery shopping with government-issued food stamps. My mother, our sole provider, suddenly found herself working extra hours to support her two young children, and I found myself as my own primary caretaker, a difficult role for a child. After years of struggling to support her family, my mother worked her way to plentiful employment, and amongst it all, managed to find time to fall in love with my step-father. My step-father, a *Redacted* employment law and personal injury attorney, helped to fill a number of voids in all of our lives. For me, my step-father was the first to open my eyes to a broader state of consciousness outside the struggles that my own family had endured by always fighting for the rights of the individual over the corporation in his law practice. It was because of this experience that I began to understand and develop a compassion for the plight of those less fortunate.

My social consciousness was further developed during my time working at the *Redacted* Public Defender's office. Prior to working at this public interest firm, I often wondered how attorneys could represent individuals accused of heinous crimes and had several preconceived notions regarding their respective punishments. However, I was soon tasked with taking the lead on a multi-defendant case in which the defendants were charged with conspiracy to traffic narcotics. I was able to participate in conferences with our client through an interpreter with my immediate supervisor and confidant, Deputy Public Defender *Redacted*. Working closely with our client began to make me realize that each and every person accused of a crime has a unique history and identity, and is not simply a number in a database, a realization that was solidified when we were approached by the wife of our client after court. Distress and concern emanated as she emphasized the effects of the case on her family who consequently was deprived of their sole provider.

This new found understanding began to resonate with my childhood conceptions of social justice as I began to observe the repercussions of general laws being applied to specific cases. While the actions that resulted in the incarceration of our client were certainly to the detriment of society, I realized (or this case highlighted the fact?) that the importance of our respective counsel and representation was in preserving the right to due process. By fighting to preserve the rights of this particular individual through providing adequate counsel and narrowly defining the applicability of the relevant statutes to our case *Redacted* and I were able to guarantee due process not only for our client but for all individuals who may be charged with the crime. In taking the lead on this one case, I came to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of the judicial system, and was able to reconcile my past preconceived notions regarding defense attorneys and those charged with crimes. Quite simply, public interest advocates further the individual rights of all peoples by first representing one person. It is this relationship which allows me to identify and relate my social consciousness to the legal profession.

I am most drawn to the legal profession because of this unique opportunity to affect widespread societal change through local action. I am extremely grateful for the unique perspective that I have cultivated throughout my years as it has drawn me to a profession which allows for so much individual contribution. While this consciousness is one that I hopefully share with many of my colleagues, I realize that consciousness without action gets one nowhere. It is because of this, that I can ensure you that you will not find an applicant willing to work harder or who wants this more than I do."



I think the conclusion is strong, but I would take out the last line. Finish on the same note, but don't set yourself up there. For one thing, I definitely want this more than you... :D Joke, joke. But seriously, that is something better left proved rather than stated.


Also, there are a couple commas that I added at the end of some dependent clauses.


And there are a couple sentences where the wording could be improved...

"I often wondered how attorneys could represent individuals accused of heinous crimes and had several preconceived notions regarding their respective punishments."

I had to read this a couple of times. You have notions about attorneys or the individuals accused of crimes? It's just a little awkward.


By fighting to preserve the rights of this particular individual through providing adequate counsel and narrowly defining the applicability of the relevant statutes to our case *Redacted* and I were able to guarantee due process not only for our client but for all individuals who may be charged with the crime.

As it is, you need a comma after "case," but I think the wording sounds a little awkward....maybe "AS WE fought to preserve the rights of this particular individual BY providing adequate counsel and....."


Also, the "it" in the third paragraph bothers me a little. I know you are referring to the previous sentence, but "it" still sounds vague.


Overall, I enjoyed reading it. I appreciate that you demonstrate your ability to look at issues from various perspectives.

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby Irrelephant » Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:03 am

Thank you so much. That is some wonderful criticism.

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby Irrelephant » Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:18 pm

Should I write an GPA addendum for my first two quarters in college? I had a 2.5/2.0, yet my mother was diagnosed with cancer these quarters and I have documented medical reasons with my school as I had to withdraw from a few classes.


I have a very strong upward trend.

EzraStiles
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 3:52 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby EzraStiles » Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:33 pm

Ediot (that's me): I apologize, and redact my unhelpful statement.
Last edited by EzraStiles on Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kaya_belly
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:00 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby kaya_belly » Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:37 pm

I think an addendum would be appropriate in that case.

EzraStiles, are you sure you have the right PS?

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit)

Postby Irrelephant » Sun Jan 31, 2010 5:22 pm

I'm not sure the content of ezra's post.. it would be much easier on me if I would have seen it and not had this possible negative criticism hanging over my head hours before submitting!!!


kaya, what do you think about the first three sentences of second paragraph? I think that third sentence is sloppy and indirect.

Irrelephant
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:23 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit) FINAL DRAFT?

Postby Irrelephant » Mon Feb 01, 2010 1:02 am

replaced rough draft with what I believe is my final draft.

EzraStiles
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 3:52 pm

Re: Critique please (rush to submit) FINAL DRAFT?

Postby EzraStiles » Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:36 am

I'm so sorry if I gave you a bad feeling about your essay, I posted my comment on the wrong thread and tried to delete it before it was seen. I think you're essay was on the right track, and it certainly looks like through the posts here as well as your own posts that you found and fixed the mistakes on an already pretty good essay. Again, sorry about my post, and good luck with your apps!




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