Two possible statements, please take a look :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
basicgrey7
Posts: 127
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 10:29 pm

Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby basicgrey7 » Fri Jan 29, 2010 1:13 am

A:
In the game The Game of Life, you have to make the decision whether to start your career or go to college. I’ve always known that the path that I wanted to choose was college. Gaining all of the essential skills that I would need to start my ideal, successful career would be secured through education. My desires at the time led me to prepare for a Management occupation. It seemed like a good fit; I enjoyed working at my retail job and could see myself managing in the future. I worked very hard to prepare myself for my career.
An important part of career building in the Business field is networking. It is very important to meet new people in your field, whether they are peers or employers. I took every opportunity that I could to network. I attended every Career Fair at my school, even when I was not looking for a job to gain interview practice. I was also getting my face out their in hopes of securing a job after graduation. A perfect resume is another significant piece of the Business world. I went to my Career Services center many times throughout my education to keep updating and perfecting my resume. I attended workshops that focused on making your resume presentable and had professors look at my resume to offer any additional advice. It was important to me that my resume was flawless and complete. Professional affiliations are crucial to building a resume; I was able to join one directly related to my major.
I joined the Society for Human Resources Management chapter at my institution. Our chapter showcased speakers open to the public to educate others about matters related to employment. Not only was I helping others shape their careers, I was learning more information about how to better mine by attending the speakers. To improve my mentoring skills, I held leadership positions in our chapter. I was the Webmaster and Vice President of Publicity for our chapter. By holding these positions I gained experience by mentoring new members to prepare them to take leadership positions.
Another important career building tool is an internship. During my internship, I realized that while I enjoyed Management and succeeded in it, it wasn’t enough for me. I realized that I wanted to focus more on the administrative dealings with employees. Halfway into my Management degree, I chose to add a Human Resources concentration. Taking care of your employees, through proper hiring/firing and training was very important to me. In the curriculum, I was required to take Employment Law. Out of the many classes that I have taken in my four years of school, this class is the one that stood out most. Employment Law seemed very interesting to me; I was going to have a career for around fifty years after graduation. I wanted the knowledge to protect myself against wrongful practices. I witnessed age discrimination in my workplace and realized that even Managers, who are supposed to be in positions of power, do not have this “essential knowledge”. Through this experience and the cases that I learned about, I wanted to further my studies. With my degree I would be able to secure a Human Resources job that would fulfill my goal of ensuring that employees are treated fairly.
Attending law school is the next step in my own Game of Life. I am still not ready for my ideal career. With my Law degree I would be able to secure a Human Resources job that would fulfill my goal of ensuring that employees are treated fairly. Over the summer, I attended a tour of Kent that confirmed Kent would be a good fit for me. Not only does Kent have an excellent writing program, it also has an Employment Law certificate that would help prepare me for my career.

B: “This office is so bad that me and the Loss Prevention Manager could get in trouble if there was an audit.” The words of my District Manager rang through my ears as I stared into the catastrophe. What had I gotten myself into? Working as an Office Manager in my store for five years, I have received many praises from my District Manager on my outstanding work. Through my accomplishments, I have been picked to train new managers in the district in office procedures, as well as complete special assignments such as this one. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.
It is a running joke throughout the district of the stores that need extra attention. A store becomes infamous for its low standards. If your store is not performing well, everyone knows. When my District Manager said that I could have extra hours if I went to Decatur to organize their office and implement procedures for the managers to maintain the office, I agreed right away. I love office work, there is something rewarding to me about organizing all of that paper. After I started telling coworkers of my new commitment, I started getting scared. Comments about how it was a hopeless cause, it was a terrible mess, and good luck’s were all I heard. People are prone to over exaggerate, so I was hoping that it wasn’t that terrible. I was full of dread the whole hour drive to my first day of working.
Walking into the office, I immediately realized that everyone was right. My stomach sank. The store was operating with two Assistant Managers and one Associate Manager; their recent Store Manager had walked out. The Assistant Manger explained to me that the Store Manager never let them stay in the office to work; he always had to be in there. He never did any office work. She went on further to say that even if they had time, they really weren’t sure what needed to be done. She didn’t need to tell me; it was very apparent. There was no organization to even start from. There were piles of papers all over. Full binders and empty binders were laying everywhere. You could not see either of the two desktops because they were full of papers. This was going to be very time consuming- I would have to start from scratch.
I had a month to finish the office. I could work one eight hour shift per week to complete the project. I really needed to manage my time both in the job and in my personal life. I had to squeeze this into my school schedule, work schedule, and LSAT studying time. I used one of my off days each week to work.
I had a general vision in my head and only four weeks to complete it. I devoted the first week to getting rid of old documents and packing away items that were part of our document purge program. This task was daunting. I found payroll records in ten different spots, as well as other documentation that I had to combine. The second week I focused on going through the employee files to ensure that all documentation was current according to our Human Resources guidelines. I made a list of all the employees and what documentation was needed. I then made packets for the managers to give to the employees to fill out all of their needed documentation. The third week I focused on organizing all of the materials for everyday office work and for Loss Prevention. I had to set up all the binders, files, and folders for organization. I also had to make sure that all Loss Prevention documentation was up to date.

After I was done, in the fourth week, I needed to train all of the mangers in the store. I showed them what I had accomplished and how to keep it that way. I also educated them on all of the paperwork, Human Resources, and Loss Prevention policies of our company. This ensures that their store would be compliant in the Human Resources and Loss Prevention Audits. Teaching the managers was the easiest part. They were eager to learn and excited to be able to start fresh to gain a new reputation for themselves.
Through work and school, I have always needed time management and organization skills. I always juggle many different activities that are all equally important to my time. I am able to give one hundred percent to everything that I do this way. I need to be very organized to keep all of my materials for each activity in order. I feel that I have acquired excellent time management and organization skills that will be very beneficial in law school.

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MF248
Posts: 229
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:25 am

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby MF248 » Fri Jan 29, 2010 1:24 am

LOL -- Decatur.

Anyways, I'll try to be a little useful -- you have randome words with capital letters that I don't really think of as proper nouns -- Game of Life, Career Fair, "the Business world" etc. etc.

Other than that neither of them really came across as very engaging or for that matter, personal. I think part of it is that both essays, especially the first seemed to be a series of different events where "I did x for y reason, then I did w for z reason."

Sorry I couldn't offer any significant advice but I'm not in a very active state of mind right now.

Good luck applying to Kent.

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zimbadimp
Posts: 79
Joined: Tue Dec 01, 2009 2:44 pm

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby zimbadimp » Fri Jan 29, 2010 1:29 am

A little boring

lawman335
Posts: 104
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:15 pm

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby lawman335 » Sun Feb 07, 2010 1:02 am

very long to read this , just make your query short and sweet..........

User avatar
ConMan345
Posts: 577
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:08 pm

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby ConMan345 » Sun Feb 07, 2010 1:14 am

basicgrey7 wrote:A:
In the game The Game of Life, you have to make the decision whether to start your career or go to college. I’ve always known that the path that I wanted to choose was college. Gaining all of the essential skills that I would need to start my ideal, successful career would be secured through education. My desires at the time led me to prepare for a Management occupation. It seemed like a good fit; I enjoyed working at my retail job and could see myself managing in the future. I worked very hard to prepare myself for my career.
An important part of career building in the Business field is networking. It is very important to meet new people in your field, whether they are peers or employers. I took every opportunity that I could to network. I attended every Career Fair at my school, even when I was not looking for a job to gain interview practice. I was also getting my face out their in hopes of securing a job after graduation. A perfect resume is another significant piece of the Business world. I went to my Career Services center many times throughout my education to keep updating and perfecting my resume. I attended workshops that focused on making your resume presentable and had professors look at my resume to offer any additional advice. It was important to me that my resume was flawless and complete. Professional affiliations are crucial to building a resume; I was able to join one directly related to my major.
I joined the Society for Human Resources Management chapter at my institution. Our chapter showcased speakers open to the public to educate others about matters related to employment. Not only was I helping others shape their careers, I was learning more information about how to better mine by attending the speakers. To improve my mentoring skills, I held leadership positions in our chapter. I was the Webmaster and Vice President of Publicity for our chapter. By holding these positions I gained experience by mentoring new members to prepare them to take leadership positions.
Another important career building tool is an internship. During my internship, I realized that while I enjoyed Management and succeeded in it, it wasn’t enough for me. I realized that I wanted to focus more on the administrative dealings with employees. Halfway into my Management degree, I chose to add a Human Resources concentration. Taking care of your employees, through proper hiring/firing and training was very important to me. In the curriculum, I was required to take Employment Law. Out of the many classes that I have taken in my four years of school, this class is the one that stood out most. Employment Law seemed very interesting to me; I was going to have a career for around fifty years after graduation. I wanted the knowledge to protect myself against wrongful practices. I witnessed age discrimination in my workplace and realized that even Managers, who are supposed to be in positions of power, do not have this “essential knowledge”. Through this experience and the cases that I learned about, I wanted to further my studies. With my degree I would be able to secure a Human Resources job that would fulfill my goal of ensuring that employees are treated fairly.
Attending law school is the next step in my own Game of Life. I am still not ready for my ideal career. With my Law degree I would be able to secure a Human Resources job that would fulfill my goal of ensuring that employees are treated fairly. Over the summer, I attended a tour of Kent that confirmed Kent would be a good fit for me. Not only does Kent have an excellent writing program, it also has an Employment Law certificate that would help prepare me for my career.

B: “This office is so bad that me and the Loss Prevention Manager could get in trouble if there was an audit.” The words of my District Manager rang through my ears as I stared into the catastrophe. What had I gotten myself into? Working as an Office Manager in my store for five years, I have received many praises from my District Manager on my outstanding work. Through my accomplishments, I have been picked to train new managers in the district in office procedures, as well as complete special assignments such as this one. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.
It is a running joke throughout the district of the stores that need extra attention. A store becomes infamous for its low standards. If your store is not performing well, everyone knows. When my District Manager said that I could have extra hours if I went to Decatur to organize their office and implement procedures for the managers to maintain the office, I agreed right away. I love office work, there is something rewarding to me about organizing all of that paper. After I started telling coworkers of my new commitment, I started getting scared. Comments about how it was a hopeless cause, it was a terrible mess, and good luck’s were all I heard. People are prone to over exaggerate, so I was hoping that it wasn’t that terrible. I was full of dread the whole hour drive to my first day of working.
Walking into the office, I immediately realized that everyone was right. My stomach sank. The store was operating with two Assistant Managers and one Associate Manager; their recent Store Manager had walked out. The Assistant Manger explained to me that the Store Manager never let them stay in the office to work; he always had to be in there. He never did any office work. She went on further to say that even if they had time, they really weren’t sure what needed to be done. She didn’t need to tell me; it was very apparent. There was no organization to even start from. There were piles of papers all over. Full binders and empty binders were laying everywhere. You could not see either of the two desktops because they were full of papers. This was going to be very time consuming- I would have to start from scratch.
I had a month to finish the office. I could work one eight hour shift per week to complete the project. I really needed to manage my time both in the job and in my personal life. I had to squeeze this into my school schedule, work schedule, and LSAT studying time. I used one of my off days each week to work.
I had a general vision in my head and only four weeks to complete it. I devoted the first week to getting rid of old documents and packing away items that were part of our document purge program. This task was daunting. I found payroll records in ten different spots, as well as other documentation that I had to combine. The second week I focused on going through the employee files to ensure that all documentation was current according to our Human Resources guidelines. I made a list of all the employees and what documentation was needed. I then made packets for the managers to give to the employees to fill out all of their needed documentation. The third week I focused on organizing all of the materials for everyday office work and for Loss Prevention. I had to set up all the binders, files, and folders for organization. I also had to make sure that all Loss Prevention documentation was up to date.

After I was done, in the fourth week, I needed to train all of the mangers in the store. I showed them what I had accomplished and how to keep it that way. I also educated them on all of the paperwork, Human Resources, and Loss Prevention policies of our company. This ensures that their store would be compliant in the Human Resources and Loss Prevention Audits. Teaching the managers was the easiest part. They were eager to learn and excited to be able to start fresh to gain a new reputation for themselves.
Through work and school, I have always needed time management and organization skills. I always juggle many different activities that are all equally important to my time. I am able to give one hundred percent to everything that I do this way. I need to be very organized to keep all of my materials for each activity in order. I feel that I have acquired excellent time management and organization skills that will be very beneficial in law school.


tl;dr x 1000

User avatar
p_r
Posts: 49
Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 2:35 pm

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby p_r » Sun Feb 07, 2010 2:35 am

ConMan345 wrote:
basicgrey7 wrote:A:
In the game The Game of Life, you have to make the decision whether to start your career or go to college. I’ve always known that the path that I wanted to choose was college. Gaining all of the essential skills that I would need to start my ideal, successful career would be secured through education. My desires at the time led me to prepare for a Management occupation. It seemed like a good fit; I enjoyed working at my retail job and could see myself managing in the future. I worked very hard to prepare myself for my career.
An important part of career building in the Business field is networking. It is very important to meet new people in your field, whether they are peers or employers. I took every opportunity that I could to network. I attended every Career Fair at my school, even when I was not looking for a job to gain interview practice. I was also getting my face out their in hopes of securing a job after graduation. A perfect resume is another significant piece of the Business world. I went to my Career Services center many times throughout my education to keep updating and perfecting my resume. I attended workshops that focused on making your resume presentable and had professors look at my resume to offer any additional advice. It was important to me that my resume was flawless and complete. Professional affiliations are crucial to building a resume; I was able to join one directly related to my major.
I joined the Society for Human Resources Management chapter at my institution. Our chapter showcased speakers open to the public to educate others about matters related to employment. Not only was I helping others shape their careers, I was learning more information about how to better mine by attending the speakers. To improve my mentoring skills, I held leadership positions in our chapter. I was the Webmaster and Vice President of Publicity for our chapter. By holding these positions I gained experience by mentoring new members to prepare them to take leadership positions.
Another important career building tool is an internship. During my internship, I realized that while I enjoyed Management and succeeded in it, it wasn’t enough for me. I realized that I wanted to focus more on the administrative dealings with employees. Halfway into my Management degree, I chose to add a Human Resources concentration. Taking care of your employees, through proper hiring/firing and training was very important to me. In the curriculum, I was required to take Employment Law. Out of the many classes that I have taken in my four years of school, this class is the one that stood out most. Employment Law seemed very interesting to me; I was going to have a career for around fifty years after graduation. I wanted the knowledge to protect myself against wrongful practices. I witnessed age discrimination in my workplace and realized that even Managers, who are supposed to be in positions of power, do not have this “essential knowledge”. Through this experience and the cases that I learned about, I wanted to further my studies. With my degree I would be able to secure a Human Resources job that would fulfill my goal of ensuring that employees are treated fairly.
Attending law school is the next step in my own Game of Life. I am still not ready for my ideal career. With my Law degree I would be able to secure a Human Resources job that would fulfill my goal of ensuring that employees are treated fairly. Over the summer, I attended a tour of Kent that confirmed Kent would be a good fit for me. Not only does Kent have an excellent writing program, it also has an Employment Law certificate that would help prepare me for my career.

B: “This office is so bad that me and the Loss Prevention Manager could get in trouble if there was an audit.” The words of my District Manager rang through my ears as I stared into the catastrophe. What had I gotten myself into? Working as an Office Manager in my store for five years, I have received many praises from my District Manager on my outstanding work. Through my accomplishments, I have been picked to train new managers in the district in office procedures, as well as complete special assignments such as this one. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.
It is a running joke throughout the district of the stores that need extra attention. A store becomes infamous for its low standards. If your store is not performing well, everyone knows. When my District Manager said that I could have extra hours if I went to Decatur to organize their office and implement procedures for the managers to maintain the office, I agreed right away. I love office work, there is something rewarding to me about organizing all of that paper. After I started telling coworkers of my new commitment, I started getting scared. Comments about how it was a hopeless cause, it was a terrible mess, and good luck’s were all I heard. People are prone to over exaggerate, so I was hoping that it wasn’t that terrible. I was full of dread the whole hour drive to my first day of working.
Walking into the office, I immediately realized that everyone was right. My stomach sank. The store was operating with two Assistant Managers and one Associate Manager; their recent Store Manager had walked out. The Assistant Manger explained to me that the Store Manager never let them stay in the office to work; he always had to be in there. He never did any office work. She went on further to say that even if they had time, they really weren’t sure what needed to be done. She didn’t need to tell me; it was very apparent. There was no organization to even start from. There were piles of papers all over. Full binders and empty binders were laying everywhere. You could not see either of the two desktops because they were full of papers. This was going to be very time consuming- I would have to start from scratch.
I had a month to finish the office. I could work one eight hour shift per week to complete the project. I really needed to manage my time both in the job and in my personal life. I had to squeeze this into my school schedule, work schedule, and LSAT studying time. I used one of my off days each week to work.
I had a general vision in my head and only four weeks to complete it. I devoted the first week to getting rid of old documents and packing away items that were part of our document purge program. This task was daunting. I found payroll records in ten different spots, as well as other documentation that I had to combine. The second week I focused on going through the employee files to ensure that all documentation was current according to our Human Resources guidelines. I made a list of all the employees and what documentation was needed. I then made packets for the managers to give to the employees to fill out all of their needed documentation. The third week I focused on organizing all of the materials for everyday office work and for Loss Prevention. I had to set up all the binders, files, and folders for organization. I also had to make sure that all Loss Prevention documentation was up to date.

After I was done, in the fourth week, I needed to train all of the mangers in the store. I showed them what I had accomplished and how to keep it that way. I also educated them on all of the paperwork, Human Resources, and Loss Prevention policies of our company. This ensures that their store would be compliant in the Human Resources and Loss Prevention Audits. Teaching the managers was the easiest part. They were eager to learn and excited to be able to start fresh to gain a new reputation for themselves.
Through work and school, I have always needed time management and organization skills. I always juggle many different activities that are all equally important to my time. I am able to give one hundred percent to everything that I do this way. I need to be very organized to keep all of my materials for each activity in order. I feel that I have acquired excellent time management and organization skills that will be very beneficial in law school.


tl;dr x 1000

i hate it when i have to visit urbandictionary.com just to understand a post. but this time, it brought me to this:


Image

User avatar
CardinalRules
Posts: 2332
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 5:20 pm

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby CardinalRules » Sun Feb 07, 2010 3:13 am

I'd have to say that I prefer the second option, although it needs a good deal of work. It's unlikely that law schools would be flattered by being compared to something in a board game, however apt the analogy might be.

Feel free to PM me a revised version or a new one if you'd like.

User avatar
basicgrey7
Posts: 127
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 10:29 pm

Re: Two possible statements, please take a look :)

Postby basicgrey7 » Wed Feb 17, 2010 2:26 am

Thanks for responding everyone, I scrapped that one and went to work on my original again.




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