My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Captain Muscles
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:04 am

My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby Captain Muscles » Thu Jan 28, 2010 10:46 pm

It was 8:00pm backstage at the Roxy Theatre in Hollywood. I was sitting on the couch, surrounded by a frenzy of activity. I was about to play the biggest concert of my life. That night my band, ******, opened for Morbid Angel, a band whose music I greatly admired. I always dreamed to play with a well-respected band that had a worldwide following since I picked up the guitar at age 13. However, as I sat on the dusty, beat up couch in the green room, I was not practicing guitar. I was studying biology, feverishly looking through my notes I had prepared for my upcoming lab exam. This was my last semester at ******* and I really wanted to excel on the exam as I was transferring to ******* in the fall.

As we took the stage and proceeded to play our songs, the crowd came alive and cheered us on. I felt that my years of constantly practicing scales and carefully refining my technique were finally paying off. But while the energy of playing live music in the packed club was electrifying, a bittersweet sentiment swept upon me. I realized that this was going to be my last show with my band.

As I performed with my bandmates for the last time, I reflected on all the memories we had shared. We had been together for six years and these guys were my best friends. We played Death Metal, a highly orchestrated style of music that required precise technical execution. We worked very hard at perfecting our craft and we operated like a finely tuned machine. Having played shows with many of the top bands of our genre and having recorded an album together, the band was an immense source of personal pride.

Leaving my bandmates to go to school was one of the toughest decisions I had ever made, but I knew that attending ****** provided me with an excellent opportunity to further my education in a dynamic and exciting environment. I realized that if I wanted to be happy at *****, I would have to channel all of the energy I had devoted to my band towards this new endeavor. I decided to dive head first into my studies and become the best student I could be. I soon developed a strong interest in Politics, especially Political Theory.

Studying Political Theory provided me with many of the same satisfactions that I had enjoyed while creating music with my band. Just as I had enjoyed learning complicated musical techniques and incorporating them into the music that I wrote, I loved the challenge of having to decipher verbose texts and then applying the knowledge and theories into the papers I wrote. I studied everything from Plato’s Republic to Discipline and Punish by Michel Foucault and the experience gained in solving each academic puzzle proved invaluable. The study of Political Theory, just like playing music, was a collaborative effort and I greatly benefited from the spirited and insightful conversations I had with my Professors, fellow students and TAs.

While my love for the study of Political Theory was a big part of my life at ******, I never abandoned my interest in music. Although I no longer had my band, I remained committed to growing as a musician. I enrolled in Music Theory and Jazz Improvisation classes to further expand my knowledge base. Having developed a reputation as a talented musician on campus, I had the opportunity to perform with many interesting and talented musical personalities who ultimately helped me become a more well-rounded and diverse musician.

Naturally, I still missed my old bandmates, but the determination, critical thinking, and teamwork skills I learned collaborating musically and academically with my new friends allowed me to confidently create a new identity for myself in ******. I was beginning to realize how seemingly separate threads in my life were now coming together in ways I could not have predicted. As I constantly honed my craft on my instrument, I also developed a strong self-discipline in the classroom.

After graduating from ****, I returned to Southern California where I worked full time at my family business, a **** company specializing in ******. The job entailed communicating effectively with clients, negotiating with ****, **** and other suppliers and attention to detail. Although my work provided me with a steady paycheck, I gradually realized that I was not meaningfully satisfied.

As Shakespeare once said, “All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.” At this point in my life, I need a new venue in which to showcase my skills and unique talents. While I can fondly look back on my time spent playing music and attending *****, I must now look to the future and prepare for the next performance in my life.

It is with this unique background and desire for intellectual growth that I am applying to the JD program at ***** Law School. An education from your university would open up many doors for me by giving me an excellent opportunity to develop my analytical and critical thinking skills in the study and practice of law. I strongly welcome the challenge from your institution’s experts on law and the academic atmosphere that your school of law provides.

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superhands
Posts: 77
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 8:12 pm

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby superhands » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:02 pm

Overall, I think this was an okay personal statement. The only problem I have with it is the you talked too much about ****** and not enough about *****. Now, like most people in this world, I'm a huge fan of ******, but you crossed the line in your ps. Go ***** another draft. In the meantime I'll be flicking my ******, but you can **** me when you're done.

kasparov
Posts: 41
Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:04 am

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby kasparov » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:03 pm

Can you PM me your band. Morbid Angel is the shiznit, its awesome you opened for them.

Captain Muscles
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:04 am

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby Captain Muscles » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:03 pm

Haha, ok.

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superhands
Posts: 77
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 8:12 pm

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby superhands » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:09 pm

Captain Muscles wrote:However, as I sat on the dusty, beat up couch in the green room, I was not practicing guitar. I was studying biology, feverishly looking through my notes I had prepared for my upcoming lab exam. This was my last semester at ******* and I really wanted to excel on the exam as I was transferring to ******* in the fall.


By "studying biology" I hope to God you mean snorting coke off a strippers body, or boffing a [HI I'M THE WORD FILTER. THIS PERSON MIGHT BE A DICK.].

Captain Muscles
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:04 am

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby Captain Muscles » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:13 pm

[quote=By "studying biology" I hope to God you mean snorting coke off a strippers body, or boffing a [HI I'M THE WORD FILTER. THIS PERSON MIGHT BE A DICK.].[/quote]

No, I did that after reviewing the function of the Golgi Apparatus.

Jph408
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2009 11:19 pm

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby Jph408 » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:58 pm

I think your PS wold be more effective if you could explain how your experience will make you a good law student. It also wouldn't hurt to say why you want to go to law school. Right now, your PS sounds like a chronology of your life and you want the next step to be law school.

Also, you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. I think the paragraph about your work experience would be a good place to expand on. You mention communicating effectively, attention to detail, and negotiating. It sounds like you had a lot of responsibilities. You should mention specific examples. I think that would clearly demonstrate to Adcomms you possess these abilities better then just saying you have those skills.

I think you may want to reconsider using the quote here. The quote is from the Seven Ages of Man speech. The many parts are the different stages of man throughout life. It sounds like you are suggesting "parts" are different roles (student, attorney, etc). Using a quote is a big risk in writing a PS, especially if you are using it out of context. If an Adcomm is familiar with this quote (it's quite a famous speeck btw), you run the risk of them being turned off by you not knowing what it really means. You can try to make a stronger connection between wanting to go to law school and the speech by specifying how it pertains to one of the ages, otherwise strongly I suggest removing it.

I apologize if I sound harsh. I'm just trying to be honest so you can improve your PS.

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Jakealewis
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 1:46 pm

Re: My Final Draft. Tell me if you like it!

Postby Jakealewis » Fri Jan 29, 2010 2:49 am

I agree with the previous post. Also, politics, political theory, music theory, jazz improvisation, and professors should not be capitalized. And, the word "verbose" in the 5th paragraph seems a little forced, like you used a thesaurus. Verbose is more often used to describe one's speech not writing. Additionally, I think mentioning that you play death metal (which also should not be capitalized) may be a turn-off to some AC members. I understand that it's incredibly difficult (a guitarist myself), but it may conjure an image of a stereotypical death metal band member.

Keep working on it. Once you shape it a little more, I'm sure it'll be great.




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