Please Critique My Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
-austin-
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:04 pm

Please Critique My Draft

Postby -austin- » Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:19 pm

About to wrap this thing up and wanted some imput so far. My conclusion needs some work so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

All other general comments/critque are certainly welcome- Tear it up guys :)




“My goal is to outlive Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze,” he declared as we sat at his kitchen table eating an assortment of his favorite Chinese dishes. Being tethered to an oxygen tank made it difficult for Dr. XXX to maneuver down a buffet line so I brought the buffet to him. He made light of the situation because the reality of it all was harsh. XXXX, my professor and mentor, has terminal lung cancer; he is dying and there is nothing I can do. Dr. XXX had provided me with guidance during my time at XXX University, advocated my admission to the honor societies I now belong to and recommended me for my first job as a paralegal. I consider him to be the one who provided the opportunity for my legal career to flourish. A feeling of helplessness overwhelmed the multitude of other emotions I felt as I tried to cope with knowing his life was being cut short. My father and grandmother struggled with the disease and the battles they fought left a lasting impression on me. Until now, I had been unable to help those who helped me, and with Dr. XXX's deteriorating condition, I felt compelled to do more than just donate to a charity. I made the decision to help fight the disease that affects so many people, including those closest to me. I had no previous experience running a business but that did not deter me as I had a plan and the passion to make it work. My analytical thinking skills and systematic creativity fostered an idea into a reality and brought with it the potential to positively affect the lives of others. These are the same assets that will allow me to make a meaningful contribution to a law school’s dynamic and ensure my success as an attorney.

My desire to make an impact led me to start The XXXX Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to aiding the fight against cancer. Through its program, The XXXXX Project, we have geared a campaign towards young adults in an effort to increase awareness of preventative measures as well as the advancement of medical studies. Additionally, our mission is to raise funds for a chosen form of cancer research each year. I used my legal knowledge to streamline the initial start up and quickly found a graphic designer and team of marketers who were willing to help further my cause by providing their services free of charge. Utilizing free social networking websites, we have raised enough capital to host our first fundraiser to coincide with the launch of the redesigned website. This year, to honor Dr. XXXX, all proceeds will be donated to the XXXX Lung Cancer Research Center in his name, the research center of his choosing. My desire to serve the community has grown stronger knowing that the work I have done will have an impact on society. Given my undergraduate background in legal studies, I would like to continue my service through the legal system; law school is the next logical step in the progression of my goal.

Creating The XXXX Foundation has taught me the importance of my ability to articulate ideas, maximize resources, and apply textbook knowledge to real world solutions. Without these attributes The XXXX Project would not have grown to where it is now. Starting a non-profit organization is an arduous process but my determination to contribute towards a greater good as well as honor those who have struggled with cancer is what served as my motivation to follow through. The skills I used to make the XXXX Project successful thus far are the same qualities necessary to overcome the obstacles encountered in law school.

Although I am no longer his student, Dr. XXXX continues to teach me an invaluable lesson about the power of perseverance and determination. Not only has he accomplished outliving Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze, he has lived an entire year past the time doctors projected for him. Dr. Turk and others like him are the driving force behind my Foundation; and through it I have been able to make a contribution to them and my community. I view the law as another avenue in which I can continue making an impact and I am excited to take the next step toward achieving my goal.

-austin-
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:04 pm

Re: Please Critique My Draft

Postby -austin- » Fri Jan 29, 2010 1:17 pm

Nothing guys? It's perfectly fine? :lol:




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.