1st draft PS, please share your thoughts, greatly apprec.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
astorlove
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2010 5:14 am

1st draft PS, please share your thoughts, greatly apprec.

Postby astorlove » Thu Jan 28, 2010 6:23 am

removed!
Last edited by astorlove on Thu Jan 28, 2010 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

umichgrad
Posts: 381
Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am

Re: 1st draft PS, please share your thoughts, greatly apprec.

Postby umichgrad » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:39 pm

astorlove wrote:"Boom, boom boom", the continuous [strike]gun shot like[/strike] noise came from outside the building and remembering what a coworker had said did not help put me at ease[strike],[/strike]--it was normal to hear gun shots [strike]going off[/strike]in the middle of the night.  The office location [strike]is[/strike] was not a neighborhood one would consider taking a leisurely walk in, end your sentences I proceeded with [strike]cautious[/strike] caution toward the front of the office making sure the door was locked.  Looking up at the clock [strike]and[/strike] I saw it was already [strike]passed[/strike] PAST nine o'clock at night and there was [strike]no-one[/strike] no one else in the office[strike],[/strike] . I thought to myself, it was time to wrap up and head home.  As I was about to turn off the computer, the loud booming sound felt as if it was just right outside the office building.  As I reached over to the phone to call 911, I felt a red glare in the corner of my eye, I slowly turned to the window and I let out a big sigh, I hung up the phone and felt relieved.  Looking at the heart shaped fireworks in the dark one after another, reminded me that I have not had the chance to visit the nearby park, the sounds were not from gun shots, they were from the near by amusement park's firework celebration.

umichgrad
Posts: 381
Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am

Re: 1st draft PS, please share your thoughts, greatly apprec.

Postby umichgrad » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:43 pm

Sorry I couldn't get through more, but there are glaring errors everywhere that make it very difficult to read for content. Please edit your work and re-post; we're not spell-checkers. Also, there are way too many run-on sentences.

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Zapatero
Posts: 517
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm

Re: 1st draft PS, please share your thoughts, greatly apprec.

Postby Zapatero » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:52 pm

Are you a native English-speaker? This is completely unintelligible.




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