NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.
Posted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:28 am
DEL
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You're right, it does sound awkward. The bolded part is the most awkward for me, but I'm not 100% sure how I would change it- it just seems to end abruptly.Thoms1919 wrote:PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks
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Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.
My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”
Volleyball was my favourite sport. I joined the volleyball team disregarding my physical awkwardness, being scrawny and thin like a twig. I was always eager to play but the coach was adamant with keeping me off the court. I never gave up and kept playing throughout high school. Volleyball became one of my favourite sports and I still play every week.
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Thanks...
In the first sentence you should say "was not my proudest moment". You don't need the "s" at the end of moments and if you use to recall you'll need to put the sentence in the present tense. So you should either say "Being called a flimsy street lamp is not my proudest moment to recall." or "Being called a flimsy street lamp was not my proudest moment." I like the second way better.Thoms1919 wrote:PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks
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Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.
My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”
Volleyball was my favourite sport. I joined the volleyball team disregarding my physical awkwardness, being scrawny and thin like a twig. I was always eager to play but the coach was adamant with keeping me off the court. I never gave up and kept playing throughout high school. Volleyball became one of my favourite sports and I still play every week.
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Thanks...
See above. You need more details. You say the coach wouldn't let you play, but then you never gave up and kept playing (?); I assume you mean practicing. It would be much more helpful if you including the next paragraph, or at least where you want the PS to go.Thoms1919 wrote:PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks
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Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.
[strike]My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”[/strike]Quote doesn't add much, and I wouldn't discuss your mother in your Intro unless you do later. I would just delete.
Volleyball is my favourite sport even though I lack the typical body type. In high school, I was always eager to play, but the coach refused to let me participate. I never gave up and kept [strike]playing[/strike]practing throughout high school. [strike]Volleyball became one of my favorite sports and I still play every week.[/strike]
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Thanks...