NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sscv1985
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:10 pm

NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby sscv1985 » Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:28 am

PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks

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Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.

My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”

Volleyball was my favourite sport. I joined the volleyball team disregarding my physical awkwardness, being scrawny and thin like a twig. I was always eager to play but the coach was adamant with keeping me off the court. I never gave up and kept playing throughout high school. Volleyball became one of my favourite sports and I still play every week.

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Thanks...

roadkilllaw
Posts: 72
Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 2:07 am

Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby roadkilllaw » Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:45 am

sscv1985 wrote:PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks

--------------------------------
Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.

My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”

Volleyball was my favourite sport. I joined the volleyball team disregarding my physical awkwardness, being scrawny and thin like a twig. I was always eager to play but the coach was adamant with keeping me off the court. I never gave up and kept playing throughout high school. Volleyball became one of my favourite sports and I still play every week.

----------------------------------
Thanks...


You're right, it does sound awkward. The bolded part is the most awkward for me, but I'm not 100% sure how I would change it- it just seems to end abruptly.
(I'll prbly actually help by changing it in the morning, i'm too tired now :( )

On another note, LOVE the suit in ur avatar pic :)

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sscv1985
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Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:10 pm

Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby sscv1985 » Thu Jan 28, 2010 2:50 am

Hey, thanks so much .. hmm .. well.. let me know if u can change anything in the morning ..
its just too awkward for me ... ughhh...

And thanks, its a nice suit haha .. i bought it for work

Captain Muscles
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:04 am

Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby Captain Muscles » Thu Jan 28, 2010 5:45 am

My question to you is where are you going with this?

Did you become good at volleyball?

I mean tenacity is important, but I think this personal statement needs to show that you grew in some way.

Granted, this is only the introduction but I just wanted to give you something to think about.

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sscv1985
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Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby sscv1985 » Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:36 pm

Captain Muscles wrote:My question to you is where are you going with this?

Did you become good at volleyball?

I mean tenacity is important, but I think this personal statement needs to show that you grew in some way.

Granted, this is only the introduction but I just wanted to give you something to think about.


Yes.. I still play and in some league....
IT connects to my later half of the story.. but i just feel weird how i phrased the first part ... -_-

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daizee
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Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby daizee » Wed Feb 03, 2010 8:53 pm

Do you have more text to work with? It doesn't flow but does have an interesting start!

Zara
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Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:37 am

Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby Zara » Thu Feb 04, 2010 7:53 am

sscv1985 wrote:PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks

--------------------------------
Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.

My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”

Volleyball was my favourite sport. I joined the volleyball team disregarding my physical awkwardness, being scrawny and thin like a twig. I was always eager to play but the coach was adamant with keeping me off the court. I never gave up and kept playing throughout high school. Volleyball became one of my favourite sports and I still play every week.

----------------------------------
Thanks...


In the first sentence you should say "was not my proudest moment". You don't need the "s" at the end of moments and if you use to recall you'll need to put the sentence in the present tense. So you should either say "Being called a flimsy street lamp is not my proudest moment to recall." or "Being called a flimsy street lamp was not my proudest moment." I like the second way better.

In the second sentence you could lose the "would" and just say "my mother often comforted me by saying..." That gets rid of the passive voice and makes it smoother to read.

In the sentence that starts with "I joined the volleyball team" i think you should say despite instead of disregarding. It just sounds weird. I would probably cut the "physical awkwardness" and use the more descriptive part of the sentence which allows us to see the awkwardness for ourselves.

It should probably be "adamant about" rather than "adamant with" in the last paragraph. You might also want to add some transitions between some of the sentences to help with the flow. Something like "...the coach was adamant about keeping off the court. Neverthless, I refused to give up..." Refused here makes it sound more like an action you took and makes you look more determined than simply saying "i never gave up."

The last sentence is kind of simple and feels very immature but that could be because you haven't related it to any bigger theme yet.

The quote from your mother is good and i'm sure you'll come back to it later on but as it stands it is unconnected to the things you are saying just before and just after. I mean of course we can guess the connection but you are making your reader work too much there. You should connect it somehow. Maybe after the part about how your coach didn't want you to play you could say "with my mother's words in mind, I vowed never to give up." or something like that.

I hope that helps! :)

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kinch
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Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby kinch » Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:16 am

Nice suit, not feeling the skinny tie though.

legallybound
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:33 am

Re: NEED HELP with Opening Section, Please edit.

Postby legallybound » Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:49 am

sscv1985 wrote:PLEASE help me edit this opening... I want to use this but it sounds awkward.... and i dont like the flow... But the meaning is all there.. I just want to make it work...
Please feel free to change words or rewrite any sentences..!
thanks

--------------------------------
Being called a “flimsy street lamp” was not my proudest moments to recall.

[strike]My mother would comfort me by repeating her favourite quote from Ghandi, “Strength does not come from a physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will.”[/strike]Quote doesn't add much, and I wouldn't discuss your mother in your Intro unless you do later. I would just delete.

Volleyball is my favourite sport even though I lack the typical body type. In high school, I was always eager to play, but the coach refused to let me participate. I never gave up and kept [strike]playing[/strike]practing throughout high school. [strike]Volleyball became one of my favorite sports and I still play every week.[/strike]

----------------------------------
Thanks...


See above. You need more details. You say the coach wouldn't let you play, but then you never gave up and kept playing (?); I assume you mean practicing. It would be much more helpful if you including the next paragraph, or at least where you want the PS to go.

I would progress by telling your story and not jumping to "I still play every week." Elaborate more.

I'd be glad to help, just give me some more information.




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