Start of personal statement - need feedback

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Start of personal statement - need feedback

Postby inmans » Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:57 pm

Last edited by inmans on Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:25 pm

Re: Start of personal statement - need feedback

Postby nouseforaname » Tue Jan 26, 2010 2:02 pm

inmans wrote:Curious if this is an appropriate topic for a law school personal statement... It's an experience that has certainly helped shape my world view (and role in society), but i'm not sure where to go from here.


I walked into the room with my teammates and sat down. I appeared cool, but my emotions would have told a different story. I sat down at an empty desk; my heart beat wildly in my chest. It was the fall of my senior year, and our coach was about to announce the captains for the upcoming lacrosse season.

Throughout my XXX career at XXX, it’s been tradition for the players to nominate the captains at the end of each season. The players submit their nominations, and the coaches use the input to make their decisions.

My coach announced the names. Mine wasn’t among them. Eager to appear modest, I feigned a smile and clapped along with those around me. I couldn’t help but feel resentful. Why not me?
I thought of all that I had been through: my family’s bankruptcy, my mother’s battle with breast cancer. My coach knew how far I had come. Didn’t my resilience count for something? Feelings of bitterness and betrayal plagued me for the rest of the day.

I resolved myself to answer my peers’ doubts. What was I lacking? I thought of the past three seasons. I had played well, but there was a trend in my attitude. After every game, I had to check my own statistics. My habit was indicative of something greater. After every game, my singular focus revolved around me; the team was an afterthought. In my searching, I realized that my teammates’ judge of character may have been spot on after all.

Three months later, I found myself in a conversation with my father. He asked how I expected the team to be for the upcoming season. I talked about the strides we had made in practice, the success we had experienced in our fall tournament, and the overall improvement in the team morale. Then, he asked how I was playing.

“Fine”. I responded without much detail. The truth was, I hadn’t really thought about myself in the last few months. My chief concern was the team’s improvement. I had come a long way.


I would take out the line "i sat down at an empty desk; my heart beat wildly..." because it is pretty repetitive. You already said that you sat down in the first line, and you already told us your emotions are running wild in the second line. Don't think this sentence adds anything.

The rest is written pretty well. I'm not sure what your overall direction is for this essay. Are you going to talk about the importance of teamwork or leadership? Are you going to describe how you applied this mode of thinking to other facets of your life?

I noticed you slotted in a line about your mother's fight with breast cancer and your father's bankruptcy. Are these things you are going to address later on in your ps?

Is the lacrosse team your main focus? If it isn't, you could probably cut down the beginning a little and make it more concise. If the lacrosse experience is the key to your essay, I'd leave it as is.

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