3rd Draft- Please Help!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kristina88
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:03 pm

3rd Draft- Please Help!!!

Postby kristina88 » Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:03 pm

THANKS
Last edited by kristina88 on Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kristina88
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 6:03 pm

Re: 3rd Draft- Please Help!!!

Postby kristina88 » Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:30 pm

Please help me!!...Show me what the members of TLS can do :)

dlee975
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat May 02, 2009 2:28 pm

Re: 3rd Draft- Please Help!!!

Postby dlee975 » Tue Jan 26, 2010 12:17 pm

kristina88 wrote:As I arrived home from my university, the aroma of chicken and rice made me feel at ease. Family dinners are tradition and this is one tradition I deeply miss while I am away at school. However, tonight was unlike any other night. I could feel the tension in the air and see the sadness in my mother’s eyes. This was the night my life would change forever. While waiting for family dinner, I was aware that my younger brother was not home. I took the liberty to let myself into his bedroom to search for some sign of life. Although we are not the closest of siblings, my brother and I talked at least once a week.
My mother stated, “Alex will not be joining us this evening.” Catching my sister and I off guard, we inquired where Alex was. I could see the hurt my mother’s eye’s building, as she told us that Alex has been arrested and is currently serving time in the juvenile detention center. I could then feel the hurt growing through my stomach. My parent’s divorce had put my sister and I as the [strike]soul[/strike]sole providers for Alex growing up. I was his mother figure, chauffeur, chef and best friend.(you indicated earlier that you were not that close) [strike]Instead of discussing his problems with me, he grew up to become an out of control teenager with no direction and felt, as he could no longer turn to me for support[/strike]. I would re-work this sentence During this time several people saw my brother as a failure, I used to be one of them. There are many things I wish could have been done differently in order to protect my brother, my family, and myself from this tragic experience.
Since my brothers release from the juvenile justice system, I have taken it upon myself to help learn more about his experience in juvenile detention as well as possible post-traumatic stress disorder he may be dealing with. Being under 21 at the time of his incarceration, I was not able to visit my brother while in the detention center, instead I took it upon myself to research as much as I could about juvenile detention. Through my research, I was able to have a better understanding on what Alex was experiencing, and learned ways that I could help him reintegrate into society after serving a period in detention.
Through this experience, I have not only become closer with my brother, but also closer with my family. Coming from a Puerto Rican background, our family dynamics have always been strong, but going through this process has brought our family [strike]that[/strike] much closer. I [strike]now[/strike] feel more connected to them and [strike]try my best[/strike]make it a point to stay in contact amidst my busy schedule.
I have been able to not only watch my brother grow; I have noticed changes in myself.this is a very awkward sentence for me Prior to Alex’s incarceration period;is that proper use of semicolon? he was involved with the wrong crowd, had been doing drugs and would never listen to my family or I. After his dismissal from juvenile detention, Alex is now more motivated to complete tasks that other teenagers may take for granted, including getting a driver’s license, graduating high-school and getting accepted to college. Alex’s incarceration period has changed my identity for the better. From this experience, I have learned not to take anyone or anything for granted. I now have a new appreciation for my brother because he has survived through this experience and completed the impossible."impossible" seems a bit too over-the-top Alex has taught me that it is important to set goals in life. Although his goals may seem trivial, his yearningI would use a different word to accomplish those goals has helped me to continue to set goals for my life.
Not only have I witnessed a firsthand account of the legal system in action, Alex’s incarceration has inspired me to tackle a new challenge in life; becoming a lawyer. The legal system Alex went through has provided me with a desire to understand the deeper legal structures of the law. I hope that one day I may be able to help other troubled teens.
I have been through many obstacles in my life, and I know that while attending Law School, many more curve balls will be thrown at me. However, I believe this experience, as well as many other past and future endeavors will mold me into the lawyer I will be tomorrow.


I think you have to work on your flow quite a bit more. It doesn't read smoothly. Try to develop more relevance to Alex's situation and your desire to become an attorney. As I read it, I did not feel the connection between Alex's time in juvenile detention and your motivation be an attorney. Hope this helps and good luck with your process.




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